Dear Anita

Thank you for your response! I love snow because the world becomes a winter wonderland and the trees that have snow on the branches glisten in the morning glow and it’s breathtaking. It’s moments like these out in nature that makes me grateful to be alive. I don’t mind shoveling the snow either because it’s a good workout and also I enjoy the feeling of pushing the snow forward well skating on the thin film of ice as if I am striving for my goals, pushing through obstacles and skating forward. It’s a lot of fun and it helps warm you up because the physical exertion generates muscle contractions that produce heat. The more I learn about the human body in Anatomy/Physiology, the more I appreciate the complexity of the person I am. It’s amazing that a person’s body knows how to heal a paper cut and grow and replenish new cells. Every 120 days, your blood cells are recycled by the liver and spleen and you create new ones. Your body is very busy on a cellular level keeping you healthy and keeping the bacteria levels low. The more I learn about the human body, the more I appreciate the amazing person each individual is and the more I can be grateful of the things in my life. I enjoy learning new things because it helps me better understand myself and the world I live in. It may be difficult at times because there’s so much to think about in the world, but I can take it one step at a time and appreciate each day as it comes. I found myself this morning worrying about my History III paper and physics exam and my inner critic was about to come in and make things worse. So I reminded myself that I should live one day at a time and take it one step at a time. Worrying will not help me and may fuel more worry. I will take little steps and focus on today. Each day is different and I cannot plan for every day, so I should be grateful for the moment I am living in. Even if I did plan everything out, I cannot guarantee things will go as expected, there may be detours but I’m in the journey of life and as long as I’m picking up the pieces and improving I’m okay. I don’t need to stress about what may happen because that may change on what I decide to do from day to day, so I should live in the moment and appreciate each day. As soon as I started to think this way, the clouds of my inner critic that were about to form seemed to disperse and I was left with thin wispy clouds in the sky. I was still a little nervous about my assignments, but I was not going to let them overwhelm me like a storm cloud. I took the impending storm cloud of the inner critic and with my reasoning I turned the clouds into cirrus clouds for fair skies to help give me clarity. There will be days when the inner critic takes over and the skies are filled with storm clouds and I find myself drenched in the rain of tears and shaking but behind every cloudy storm filled sky lies a rainbow and the sun will rise again. So even though some days gender dysphoria makes me lose my self, I remind myself that today I’ll hold myself together and tomorrow the sun will rise again and I will heal the broken pieces. The rains of sorrows wash away who I was so I can create the rainbow soul of who I want to be and I can shine brighter. Behind each storm that shakes the foundation is a way to clear the space and hold the pieces to the light for healing and rebuild a stronger foundation. I may have broken pieces and I am not perfect but I don’t need to be. The flaws within myself help me understand who I am and help me with my life’s journey. I met my special friend this past Saturday and he told me “You are more than the sum of your flaws and doubts. You’re beautiful being who you are. The world cannot tell you who to be because you hold the brush that paints the canvas, so paint it with the colors of your soul. I don’t see perfection, I see a flawed person worth loving. And even with broken pieces, you are healing and working on becoming whole. You are amazing and it’s not what the critics  see that matters, it’s how you see yourself. The critics cannot understand who you are because they don’t hold the pens in your life. They may write a page in your book, but you hold the pen in your hand and you create your life’s story. You are amazing and worth more than you believe. I don’t see the flaws, I see a beautiful soul who I love and believe in.” I was elated to hear his words and they helped me feel better about myself. I don’t have to fit into a box of what others think of me, as long as I’m improving and making myself better that’s what counts. I am not perfect and don’t want to be limited by fitting into a stereotype, I want to be the person I create to be and I think my special friend’s words made me realize more about who I am and who I want to be. I am grateful to have friends like you and him who encourage me in my darkest times and give me a sense of purpose. Thank you so much for being such a special soul Anita. I am grateful to have your light in my life. May you always have light to help you through the darkness and blessings of abundance to help you refuel the candle you light to guide others.