Hey Anita – Here goes. Bear in mind he is very much a closed book so getting info was very hard. He once made a comment once about he didnt agree with the way he was treated / raised as a child (I was quite shocked by this and tried to explore, but he got quite agitated and shut the conversation down. He said he wasnt abused.)

What he has said about his mum? She used to be a model, but then became a stay at home mum. She home-schooled him and his brother (i personally think this was more about control than a ‘need’ to do this.. he said she enjoyed it but it meant he didnt have many friends and then was different when he joined at about age 10) He mentioned that she used to have a loving relationship with his dad but the love died and just before she died, told my ex she was very lonely. I think this bred a very close relationship between them because she sought love from her son moreso than your average woman, in replacement of closeness with her husband (sorry – thats not objective is it!). She also doesnt talk to her oldest child – his brother – as his brothers wife didnt like his mum and found her overbearing. She disallowed his mum any contact with her only grandchild. His mother very much played the victim but i dont think Dan and his family saw it like that – it was just like “there’s an issue with brother and his wife, they are being unreasonable” etc.  No accountability accepted. For example, they told his family not to send a christmas card etc and she sent one – the police then came round and told her she’d be reported for harrassment. She blamed the wife for brainwashing her oldest son.

His dad was a manual worker, out all day earning a crust. Possibly cheated earlier in their relationship. There was a lot of tension from what i witnessed with what his mum wanted vs his dad. His mum wanted to move house, his dad didnt seem fussed. She took control of things – not just finances but social engagements. She had very little friends and both parents didnt seem to have anyone but each other. His mum was more engaging, his dad more awkward, almost in her matriarchial shadow. He wasnt a very emotional person until she died – but since has reverted back.

His brother tried and failed at the sport thing, hence Dan doing it and excelling. He has been successful in his field and i think his mum thrived off of this. She wasnt a horrible person but definitely ‘reactive’ so for example, if she was told she had to do mobility exercises for a bad circulation issue, she’d rather moan about not being able to get about, than get on with the resolution. Very much ‘victim’ which is one thing i definitely think has been passed on. Dan would not think for one moment, he has f*cked things up but he could also make them right. He would sit and dwell and moan and say ‘poor me’…. i am more a ‘lets see how we can fix it’ type person..

When his dad found out about his infidelity, he was apologetic and said things like “i dont know what he is playing at” and “i am going to have a stern word with him.”  But in reality, his dad is late 70s and has little control / knowledge. Dan lives literally next door to his parents home, so has to be quite deceptive with entertaining – hence his dad catching him with air hostess.

Hmm what have i missed?  They did stuff as a family in their later years or the years i knew them. UK breaks etc but it seemed very much like they were reliant on Dan for fun / entertainment.  I think actually when it was thir wedding anniversary, his mum expected (not his dad but) Dan to be providing the celebration which i thought was a bit odd. Maybe thats just me? But i think she actually said ” what are you doing for my anniversary”

Any thoughts welcome – maybe i have the odd family dynamic and the above is normal.

xx.