March 2, 2019 at 1:40 am #282487little beeParticipant
Thank you lostcloud, my comrade in arms 😉 You’re so right, I’ve found this (TinyBuddha, forum, sharing) all so incredibly valuable. It has cemented a lot of things in my head and I’m feeling pretty good right now!
You know, putting aside from the fact that he’s still trying to contact me for now, I found the fact my ex got married quite freeing. There was obviously a little bit of my ego crying ‘why couldn’t he have figured it all out for me’ but then I realised what it meant, I was free. There is no way that he is able to swan back in my life ever again. He is now legally someone else problem. I went back so many times over 8 years that it was a well known and lived cycle in our relationship. Yes, I finally completely broke the cycle long before his wedding but this was its death knoll for me. I do hope he has changed; his wife looks like a nice person, but 1, it’s unlikely and 2, not my problem anymore! I am now completely focused on putting me and my healing first. And I’m surprised and pleased that it’s clearly working. I am not dwelling on his call and all the possible reasons for it (albeit that I’m on this forum talking about it 😉 ). Small battles will win the war!
I like your mantra. I’d love to hear how it works for you. I also gave my thoughts a little pep talk before I started doing it – ‘I know I was hurt, and at one time I needed you (my thoughts) to go where you often do, but you don’t serve me any more so, with the greatest of respect, when I notice you coming back again, I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears’. It brought a little lightness to the process for me too.
That fate has tried to tell you about his behaviour for a long time completely resonates. I wilfully ignored every single warning – and there were countless warnings. Each time my gut that told me something didn’t sit right but I listened to him and not my gut. Another major lesson in itself – to learn to start trusting my instincts again and put me and my needs first above empty promises and words just because my emotions wanted them to be true.
Re trying to understand why he does what he does, it is of course valuable to learn about people. But make sure you put yourself and your healing first. The mind has an uncanny way of hiding its real motives and cheating you into doing its bidding. In my case, going back to the emotional (in)security of the past, which almost became like a drug.
My ex was abandoned by his mum as a small child and brought up by his step mum. When we were together he fought so hard to gain his real mum’s attention and affection, and never succeeded. The way he treats women is a reflection of this. I wonder if ‘Dan’ might have some similar underlying issues since you mentioned his mum expected him to look after her and his dad in their old age and he seemed to unquestioningly accept this was his role. Of course, it’s far more complex as he was also the apple of her eye. She was a strong matriarchal woman and he felt the need to please her (no questions asked re looking after them), did the fact that she only called him a ‘silly boy’ for cheating mean it was ok for him to do so? It’s hardly more than a rap over the knuckles. Had she responded more strongly would he have thought it wasn’t ok? Just some thoughts.
Thank you again for your story, your response and opening me to the power of sharing. Stay strong and true to you.
LBxMarch 2, 2019 at 1:49 am #282489little beeParticipant
GL – 110% EVERYTHING you’ve said!
xMarch 2, 2019 at 4:51 pm #282549lostcloudParticipant
Hey Anita – Here goes. Bear in mind he is very much a closed book so getting info was very hard. He once made a comment once about he didnt agree with the way he was treated / raised as a child (I was quite shocked by this and tried to explore, but he got quite agitated and shut the conversation down. He said he wasnt abused.)
What he has said about his mum? She used to be a model, but then became a stay at home mum. She home-schooled him and his brother (i personally think this was more about control than a ‘need’ to do this.. he said she enjoyed it but it meant he didnt have many friends and then was different when he joined at about age 10) He mentioned that she used to have a loving relationship with his dad but the love died and just before she died, told my ex she was very lonely. I think this bred a very close relationship between them because she sought love from her son moreso than your average woman, in replacement of closeness with her husband (sorry – thats not objective is it!). She also doesnt talk to her oldest child – his brother – as his brothers wife didnt like his mum and found her overbearing. She disallowed his mum any contact with her only grandchild. His mother very much played the victim but i dont think Dan and his family saw it like that – it was just like “there’s an issue with brother and his wife, they are being unreasonable” etc. No accountability accepted. For example, they told his family not to send a christmas card etc and she sent one – the police then came round and told her she’d be reported for harrassment. She blamed the wife for brainwashing her oldest son.
His dad was a manual worker, out all day earning a crust. Possibly cheated earlier in their relationship. There was a lot of tension from what i witnessed with what his mum wanted vs his dad. His mum wanted to move house, his dad didnt seem fussed. She took control of things – not just finances but social engagements. She had very little friends and both parents didnt seem to have anyone but each other. His mum was more engaging, his dad more awkward, almost in her matriarchial shadow. He wasnt a very emotional person until she died – but since has reverted back.
His brother tried and failed at the sport thing, hence Dan doing it and excelling. He has been successful in his field and i think his mum thrived off of this. She wasnt a horrible person but definitely ‘reactive’ so for example, if she was told she had to do mobility exercises for a bad circulation issue, she’d rather moan about not being able to get about, than get on with the resolution. Very much ‘victim’ which is one thing i definitely think has been passed on. Dan would not think for one moment, he has f*cked things up but he could also make them right. He would sit and dwell and moan and say ‘poor me’…. i am more a ‘lets see how we can fix it’ type person..
When his dad found out about his infidelity, he was apologetic and said things like “i dont know what he is playing at” and “i am going to have a stern word with him.” But in reality, his dad is late 70s and has little control / knowledge. Dan lives literally next door to his parents home, so has to be quite deceptive with entertaining – hence his dad catching him with air hostess.
Hmm what have i missed? They did stuff as a family in their later years or the years i knew them. UK breaks etc but it seemed very much like they were reliant on Dan for fun / entertainment. I think actually when it was thir wedding anniversary, his mum expected (not his dad but) Dan to be providing the celebration which i thought was a bit odd. Maybe thats just me? But i think she actually said ” what are you doing for my anniversary”
Any thoughts welcome – maybe i have the odd family dynamic and the above is normal.
xx.March 2, 2019 at 4:58 pm #282551lostcloudParticipant
Thanks GL – i think you are right, theres an element of wanting ‘justice’ but like you say, that may never happen and if it does, i will hopefully not give a **** by then!! haha!
Your explanation of charm rung true. You sometimes cant describe the process that is going on or how they are able to convince you to come back / try again / excuse their behaviour but your summary did it justice. I sincerley hope that I will be able to laugh about it in the future, but if not – at least put it down to a painful learning curve that i will never repeat. Feel inspired by the comments / tips on here and feel strong to not make contact or entertain communications, as i will be embroiled in his sticky web of lies yet again. It takes so long to get out, i am just not willing to go there again. i am not sure my heart can take it!!
Sincere thanks for your post xMarch 2, 2019 at 6:23 pm #282561anitaParticipant
I wrote to you earlier that I don’t need to know what his mother told you when she was alive, when you had conversations with her, but I do: can you tell me what she shared with you?
-what did she tell you about her husband? About Dan? About Dan’s ex girlfriends (with whom she had contact after the relationships were over)? About the concepts of Love, Marriage, Family?
-what about her words/ behaviors led you to believe that Dan was the apple of her eye?
-how did Dan behave around his mother, any physical affection, words of affection, was he respectful toward her?
* I will be back to the computer in about ten hours from now.
anitaMarch 3, 2019 at 2:41 am #282585JayJayParticipant
You may not realise it, but you may have been in a relationship with a person with a personality disorder. The one that springs to mind is actually narcissistic personality disorder. Go and see what these kind of people do to others and what they are capable of. If it is that, then going no contact is the best gift you can give to yourself.
Could be that he’s just a sex junkie. In which case, you need to respect yourself. It doesn’t sound like he deserves any respect at all. The current GF will soon find out he’s not capable of change, as you found out yourself.
So go no contact. Delete him and GF from your social media and think on them no more. Ever. Period. I’ve done it – it’s very hard at first, but so liberating when you actually realise that you didn’t lose anything you really wanted to keep.
jayMay 5, 2019 at 1:14 am #292409BubbaParticipant
Dear Lost cloud,
You asked in one of your posts if others have been in the same boat.
I have been and I gave almost a decade of my life. And then one day, I got up and started moving in the other direction. No contact with him whatsoever, no response, no seeking validation, there was no real remorse or validation he could give anyway or that I could trust.
It was a difficult journey, all the time I had spent in that drama, I spent on myself. He went on with another relationship. Good for him. Doesn’t change a single bit about my decision to move on. I had a similar journey, looking for validation, looking for answers, looking for justice, then came the more difficult but sooooooo much beautiful parts of my journey – knowing about myself, what led me to and kept me in that relationship. And once the pinky rose glasses were broken, they were broken..I realize I had often been surrounded by such assholes men and women in different relationships. The journey counties…there is a lot to be learnt but these years are the best years of my life. I have felt deep shame, regret, guilt, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, anger, rage, compassion, self-love, self-forgiveness, calm, peace of mind and peace of heart.
You will find that too. Just one thing – non negotiable, no contact, leave no way for him to reach you. You will find your way.