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Dear Anita,
we answer her and defend ourselves against her and try to protect and assert ourselves against her.
I would like to get back to this
Thank you for reminding me of this anniversary. It has been going very well, mostly because of exactly what you just stated. The here and now.
I observed this weekend, the idea of having free time to enjoy someone (my husband) but seeing where my thoughts go – to others..naturally
“oh what is this person doing, did I reply to that person, oh should I make plans with this person…”
I noticed all of my “distractions” away from my husband were not problem oriented – they were OTHER oriented.
The thesis of this would be this: Cali Chica is responsible for spending time with others, it is her duty to be occupied at all times.
The way I counter-acted it was to ask myself, what was going on with me? I asked myself and my answer was the following:
I feel guilty relaxing and spending a day of quality time with my husband WITHOUT worrying about anyone else.
anyone else – that’s the thing – well who are these “anyone else” just friends
BUT the anyone else – USED to be my mother, and so my mind is USED to by habit worrying about this “anyone else”
Perhaps as though I am used to having a pet to attend to, and even far after that pet is gone, I find myself feeling the need to “worry” about something, not giving myself the liberty to stay out as I please without running home. A simplistic and benign example, but one that comes to mind.
So in short, the last month has been excellent in my goal. I have noticed that I have control over my emotions, and even on bad days, or days where I feel less in “control” over my emotions – I see myself. I see myself through it and know its just a phase, moment, or day. I see me, and am no longer defined by these days that are no longer my norm. Nope, they don’t define me, Cali Chica.
My husband has noticed it to – and so its only more time until these patterns stick, and we can re-create new memories, focued on us, and not on others.