Hey Anita,

Im in my senior year of high school and going to a college next year.

I don’t really feel like I’m putting on an act, but I just feel like I don’t know how I behave, like I’m always in my head and thinking about saying a joke or just something to say and being aware of the presence of others. And I’m not always feeling shy, actually I can be quiet outgoing in certain situations but even then I am very aware of people liking me or laughing. Like Ill think: “oh they think Im funny”, so it feels good but not for a long time and when I dont say anything I feel like people don’t notice me. Its weird, but I think Im a little bit exaggerating comparing  to what others perceive, but it still feels uncomfortable and not right, like I was not being myself.

I should also say that I smoke pretty often with my friends. Usually I would love to smoke it would make things more fun and I would crack a lot of jokes with people. It would help me come out of my head and I would just have a good time. But slowly and slowly I started feeling insecure while high and it reflected in my perception of myself. I think I also became super aware when high and just getting lost in my head and having a bunch of negative thoughts. So now whenever I smoke I feel uncomfortable with people. Even when im sober I feel like i dont really know how hang out with someone one on one. I feel like this made me kinda scared of most social interactions and certainly have a weird feeling about them. I don’t really get stressed when sober but I feel kinda hollow and missing personality. I think I still come off as normal to people but its sure is a struggle inside.