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Joe

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  • #288143

    Joe
    Participant

    I agree with you on that, If I cant love myself then how will I be able to love others

    And there the real struggle is to learn how to love myself which I find so difficult to do.

    #287889

    Joe
    Participant

    And because I want to stop being a gigantic dick because no one is perfect

     

    #286331

    Joe
    Participant

    I actually started seeing a therapist about a month ago and I will ask her opinion on that, but I find it easier to really gather my thoughts here.

    So if it is not possible to undo neuropathways, is it still possible to ignore them?

     

    #284837

    Joe
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I will think about all of those things

    Life is a weird experience

    #284497

    Joe
    Participant

    Valora, I dont know why but its so hard to accept it, Im really trying to be less harsh on myself but sometimes I just feel like so aware of it. I dont like videos or pictures of myself. But the thing is that some people say that im good looking, but I just cant see what they seem to see. Sometimes I feel good and then I see myself in a picture and it would bring my state down because it doesnt look like the image i have in my head.

     

    #284493

    Joe
    Participant

    Wow first of all I, I want to say that Im grateful that you guys are helping me with my problems

    And to respond to the question about my home country, which was France, I lived their with my step-dad and my mom too, my father died when I was young and my parents were already separated. So I consider my step-dad like my dad. I know he cares about me a lot, and I used to always have fun with him. But lately I have not been able to have the same feeling, its weird because I know he is super nice and smart, but I feel like we dont really have a connection. I don’t really like hanging out with him, I get annoyed by him sometimes just by the way he acts or tries to be funny but I dont say anything because hes just trying to be friendly.

    I wish that this feeling of irratation would go away and I could appreciate him a little more.

    #284347

    Joe
    Participant

    There is also something else that I want to talk about, ( and it annoys because I feel like im rumating), but I think I should acknowledge the fact that I have been very insecure about my nose since freshmen year. Back then it was not that bad, because I would just notice a hump (which was probably cause by playing rugby)¬† through a certain angle in photos. But during sophomore year I think my insecurity grew bigger and would get paranoid when I was high. I was obsessed with it and could not see anything else but that. I think this came around the same time that what I feel like social anxiety. I became so obsessed with it I would put ice on it in the hopes of straightening it and would also massage it. As time went by I felt like the hump on my nose got bigger and I didnt think it was in my head, and that I somehow made it worst by trying to fix it. So now when I look in the mirror I feel like there is something wrong with it. During junior year I was insecure about it, but at the same time I knew girls thought I was pretty good looking, but this year I’m barely attracting any girls and feel like I became uglier. So I dont really think about it often but I dont like too much what I see in the mirror. And sometimes I would tell myself that it was my fault that it happened this way.

    Its very annoying because adults tell me Im good looking, but at the same time I dont see that all when looking at myself in the mirror. Its not that Im being a perfectionist and pointing out the small details, but I really think that my nose ruins my face and I cant get used to it.

    This is probably one of the things that affected me and made me lose some of my confidence.

     

    #284343

    Joe
    Participant

    Sounds good,

    So my relationship with my parents is okay, I dont feel that close to my stepdad (who is like my dad) and I’m kinda disconnected from the rest of my family because I left my home country about 6 years ago. So when I see them we’re not as close as before.
    Ive had some rough moments during my high school year where Ive been caught smoking and doing other things which affected my relationship with my parents. I was angry at that time but still had a pretty good relationship with them. Now I often feel depressed and don’t really feel like hanging out with my family, like when they want to go the beach or to a barbecue. I mostly see them during dinner, the rest of time Im either with friends or in my room. I have a little brother and a little sister who are 7 and 11. I love and care about them a lot but don’t really like the childish atmosphere of the house most of the time and Im often annoyed by the stuff my brother says or even the way my dad tries to act cool. My mom is very loving and caring and shes always asking me how I feel. She wants to help me and is looking for therapy.
    As for the rest of the people I see, like my parent’s friends, who for some I traveled with and Ive known them for a long time, I feel like I dont have a close relationship with them even though I should. I don’t really like talking to adults because I often feel uncomfortable and almost never ask them about themselves.

     

    #284327

    Joe
    Participant

    Anita,

    This is exactly the stage I want to reach, but it seems so far and unreachable. I would like as you said to feel equal to people and be able to listen to them and appreciate them, rather than worry too much about myself.

     

    #284311

    Joe
    Participant

    Hey Anita,

    Im in my senior year of high school and going to a college next year.

    I don’t really feel like I’m putting on an act, but I just feel like I don’t know how I behave, like I’m always in my head and thinking about saying a joke or just something to say and being aware of the presence of others. And I’m not always feeling shy, actually I can be quiet outgoing in certain situations but even then I am very aware of people liking me or laughing. Like Ill think: “oh they think Im funny”, so it feels good but not for a long time and when I dont say anything I feel like people don’t notice me. Its weird, but I think Im a little bit exaggerating comparing¬† to what others perceive, but it still feels uncomfortable and not right, like I was not being myself.

    I should also say that I smoke pretty often with my friends. Usually I would love to smoke it would make things more fun and I would crack a lot of jokes with people. It would help me come out of my head and I would just have a good time. But slowly and slowly I started feeling insecure while high and it reflected in my perception of myself. I think I also became super aware when high and just getting lost in my head and having a bunch of negative thoughts. So now whenever I smoke I feel uncomfortable with people. Even when im sober I feel like i dont really know how hang out with someone one on one. I feel like this made me kinda scared of most social interactions and certainly have a weird feeling about them. I don’t really get stressed when sober but I feel kinda hollow and missing personality. I think I still come off as normal to people but its sure is a struggle inside.

     

    #284205

    Joe
    Participant

    Thank you Valora, I appreciate the time you took to write this reply

    You’re probably right on the fact that it’s normal to feel that way at my age and I should own my actions and my journey without caring about what other people think.
    In fact I try to tell myself that other people’s opinions do not matter, but still, I always feel judged and always feel like im putting on an act for other people to like me.

    And as for meditation I started doing it about six months ago, without having a strict routine. I do not feel i had an effect in my mood, but I feel like I notice these subtle thought patterns more than before, but it has led me to sometimes be scared of my own thoughts because they are so irrational and I feel like they’re wasting my brain energy.

    Is that normal in the process of midnfulness?

    And is meditation enough to change automatic responses during stressful situations.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  Joe.
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)