First, I want to say that I feel like this fear you’re feeling is somewhat normal at your age, especially for people who don’t necessarily like change. You’re sort of on the brink of it and that can be a scary thing because there’s a bunch of unknown out there. But life and full-on adulthood becomes a lot less scary as you go, and the older you get, the less you care about what people think of you, and that’s an awesome feeling. So far my 30s have been the best years yet, so the best is most definitely yet to come for you, too.

The first thing to do, though, is to stop comparing yourself to other people. Your journey is your journey and it’s okay if it doesn’t match anyone else’s or if you don’t have or do things when other people have or do them. I’m 36 years old and just started my 2nd semester at college, for example. And that’s okay. I had other priorities to attend to before going to school. My point is, though, that it’s okay to do things on your own timeline.

As for the fears, anxiety, and insecurities you’re feeling. There are ways to change that. I’ve found that being mindful helps when you’re always in your head and worried about the past or future. Pulling yourself back to the present as soon as you notice it and just being aware of things as they’re happening right in the moment can help, especially noticing things you like or that are pleasant. Pay attention to all of those awesome little things that happen around you at any given moment.

Meditation is definitely a good thing to try again as it can help you to feel less distracted by training your brain/mind to focus, as well as clearing your thoughts. Even 10 to 20 minutes once or twice a day can work wonders… just do simple meditation, sitting quietly and breathing in for 10 counts and then back out, focusing on the breath, letting thoughts come and go and refocusing on breathing every time your mind starts to wander. It takes practice, though, so don’t expect immediate changes in mindset. Just think of it like an exercise for your brain, training it to help you refocus quickly when your mind starts to wander into unhappy territory.

There is also a good book for managing social anxiety if you’re up for some reading. It’s called “Managing Social Anxiety: A Cognitive-Behavioral Workbook” by Debra Hope, Richard Heimburg, and Cynthia Turk. There are actual exercises in there that you can use to help change your thought patterns. That should really get you some results on a changed mindset, I’d think.

Just remember… you are so young, still. There are so many good things ahead of you and I think it’s a very good sign that you have the insight at such a young age to ask for help with how you’re feeling. A lot of people your age don’t do that, even when they feel much like you are now. These feelings you’re having now, if you let them guide you into finding the things that make you feel secure and good about yourself without the need for validation from anyone else… that is something that will make the rest of your life a lot easier. So these feelings you’re having now can be good in the way that they absolutely can help you to have a better life… just have to find the root cause of them and fix that, and if you can learn to do that, you’re way ahead of a lot of other adults.

In my opinion, it’s good that you’re noticing your irrational thoughts and are recognizing that they’re irrational. That’s good because that means you can change them. If you know something is irrational you can dig deeper into the WHY. Why am I thinking this? What is it that I really want? If I got what I thought I wanted, would it REALLY help me or is what I TRULY want something deeper than that?  Once you start questioning this stuff and really dig in there and hash out the root, it fixes the cause of a lot of this stuff.

The irrational thoughts that you’re having is where that book comes in handy too. There is a chapter on recognizing the “automatic thoughts” or “thought errors” as they call them, labeling then (overgeneralizations, mind reading, “should” statements, etc), and then rethinking/rationalizing a more adaptive thought. Once you practice doing this, your thoughts will likely turn from automatically maladaptive to more adative thoughts, so they’re more rational than irrational.  To change your mindset you just sort of have to retrain your brain, and that takes time.

With the meditation, if it’s leading you to pick out irrational thoughts, it might actually be working. Those bad feelings and thoughts are just there to show you what needs to be looked at and worked on, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing and definitely not a waste of brain energy. Recognizing and acknowledging your issues is how you fix them 🙂 So that’s actually really mindful… to be able to even recognize your issues. (and having issues/bad feelings/irrational thoughts also doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you… we all have them for different things. Life is a constant state of growth). Maybe try meditation again, a little more regularly for a bit… like set aside 10-15 minutes in the morning to do it and then another 10-15 in the afternoon, same time every day if you’re able to, and see what comes up.

No matter what, be gentle with yourself. All of this stuff takes time. Realistically, you’re at an age where you’re going to care what other people think at least to a certain degree. I think that’s normal, too. My advice is to just try not to actually compare yourself to them (not comparing will save you a ton of suffering), and just keep working on being okay with who you are because the RIGHT people for you will love you for exactly who you are. The right kind of people can really appreciate someone who is genuine, authentic, and loves who they are, so that’s a good goal to work toward… just figuring out who you are for yourself and being that person… and knowing it’s okay to be that person and that you don’t have to put on an act for anyone.  And it’s also okay for not everyone to like you.  One of my favorite quote is by Dita Von Tease and she said “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.”   And how true that is.

Dear Joe:

The way I understand it you are most often uncomfortable with people, worrying that they are not thinking well of you, thinking that you are not good looking or not smart or not funny or interesting..  or worse, that they will not even notice you. So you sort of mini-panic when around people, your mind rushing, planning what to say next that will be smart or funny.

It is anxiety, that very uncomfortable feeling that makes us feel that there is something wrong with us or about us … and other people are noticing!

It will be nice if you could be calm and comfortable, when alone and when with people, and it is possible for you. When calm and comfortable, you will actually listen to what people say, instead of planning what to say next. You will sometimes forget yourself, totally engaged in what is going on, listening and talking, feeling equal to others, not less than others and not in a competition.

I will soon be away from the computer and back in about 13 hours. I hope to read more from you when I am back and I will reply further.

anita

Dear Joe:

If you would like to tell me more about your life at home, particularly about your relationships with your parents, past and present, it will help me understand better and maybe offer you something potentially helpful about making that “far and unreachable” aim close and reachable, a reality for you.

If you choose to share, take your time doing so. I will read and reply in about thirteen hours.

anita

There is also something else that I want to talk about, ( and it annoys because I feel like im rumating), but I think I should acknowledge the fact that I have been very insecure about my nose since freshmen year. Back then it was not that bad, because I would just notice a hump (which was probably cause by playing rugby)  through a certain angle in photos.

If it helps you any, I was insecure about my nose when I was your age, too. Mine is very small but is what I call “ski slopey.” I have a bump at the bridge that slopes down and then the tip of my nose turns up a little bit at the end but it’s quite noticeable from my profile because of the bump. I felt weird about it…. but then I had 2 kids who both have my nose and I love it now because I think their noses are cute on them… so  that means mine probably doesn’t look so bad on me either.  It just goes to show how we can see things on ourselves that we don’t like but when we see the same things on other people, we realize they’re actually not as bad as we thought…. so it’s probably not your nose that’s the problem, it’s just the way you’re viewing your nose.

During junior year I was insecure about it, but at the same time I knew girls thought I was pretty good looking, but this year I’m barely attracting any girls and feel like I became uglier.

It’s likely the girls are sensing your insecurities rather than anything about your facial features. I’m sure your physical attractiveness hasn’t changed much in that time, but confidence is emotionally attractive, so if you can get back to feeling like you look good and you like what you see and how you feel, I’m sure you’ll experience a turn-around when it comes to attracting the ladies.