Dear Cat:

And last night when I looked at the time on my phone, it was 1:11… and I still don’t believe it is a sign from above.

Regarding not losing your post again, you can copy  it (Ctr+C) before you submit, then if it is lost, paste it (Ctrl+V).

You expressed this very well: “when I hear Georgia telling me about her suffering, it touches upon.. pain that I’ve suppressed and therefore I feel like I am suffering too”.

Georgia told you how her boyfriend was abusive to her, you suffered,  and then she said “that if I did do or say anything, then she wouldn’t be my friend again”-

– it is not fair- she vented to you, burdened and drained you and felt calmer and refreshed, able to resume the relationship she complained to you about  (“I managed to control my anger.. Which is so hard for me… After the Georgia weekend, I was completely drained”, and “She seemed to have a good night… She said it was surprisingly calm”)-

-It happens often that people complain and vent about their partners, relieve their distress that way and are therefore refreshed and able to continue the relationship. Later they complain and vent again, get a relief and continue. This is done at the expense of the person listening to the complaints, suffering the pain of the complainer only to see the complainer volunteering for another round of the relationship they complain about.

Basically, the complainer is using the empathetic friend as a way to get relief and resume the relationship they complained about and will complain about again.

Because that weekend drained you and you got your period, and maybe because your friend left and you missed her (?) you experienced depression, “the worst that I’ve ever had”, you wrote, “I was in bed all week with severe depression, paranoia and anxiety”. I am glad you followed up with doctors, making appointments. Reads to me that stopping  the cycle altogether will eliminate the PMDD disorder. At this point then you will be stopping the cycle, increase your anti depressants, wait to see if you are anemic and if your headaches have anything to do with your eyesight. You will keep yourself hydrated and maybe avoid gluten.

Emotional pain and physical pain, such as your headaches are likely to be connected, I think, because really there is nothing about our bodies that is not physical: everything we experience is physical.

Regarding your dream, that “warm wave, of warmth and happiness and security” that made you smile, that “heart space” as you called it, I think this is the feeling a child has when feeling safe, no  worries, no distress.

This feeling of early childhood safety, we all want to feel it. It is intoxicating, magical really. It is a feeling a child has on a good day, the sun is shining, the grass is green, flowers blooming, all laughter, life to explore, engaged in life to the fullest.

I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope you feel better and better.

anita