February 19, 2019 at 5:54 am #280729
I re-read the Feb 18- Feb 25 2018, page 4 of your thread. You wrote there: “I am now seeing the light on the other side.. I am seeing a more positive future… I am trying to focus on me and my life, rather than feeling like I need to reply to messages right away etc. I feel so much healthier… When I was young, my great gran died and I stopped listening to music, as a punishment. Because in my head, she couldn’t have the joy of listening to music anymore, wherever she was, which meant that I didn’t deserve to… I was always made to feel guilty for living my life… This is why I don’t eat or do things to benefit myself. It’s easier for me to focus on other people, like spending all my time making sure my friends are okay rather than getting on with my day.
They definitely instilled that idea that I’m a bad person if I don’t suffer too, that I’m a bad person if I focus on myself or did things that I loved etc. I always had to be doing something to please them…
I think that the purpose of me punishing myself, is so that it helps others. For some reason, if I stopped listening to music, then maybe my gran would have that pleasure up in heaven… I tell my sister to focus on herself, but then I don’t focus on myself.. I feel like it would be selfish of me to not put her first… the core belief is the thing that is stopping me from doing the things that I need to heal! such as aerobics, meditation, cooking etc!! I guess it’s gradually going ‘I’m worth this.. As for an update- good things- I put on a gig at the Pig n Fiddle on Thursday n it went really really well and everyone loved it”
Feb 22 2018 I posted to you the following:
Earlier in your thread you wrote: ‘I feel guilty for simply living my life… because my parents never had that freedom… if they can’t have it, why should I?… deep down I feel responsible for it all, and I really feel like a massive moral weight on my shoulder… it’s like being morally and soulfully contracted to carry out a life under their pains and misery, and feeling like I am harming them if I choose to love myself..’
… you suffer because as a child your parents imprinted in your brain the core belief that you are a bad person if you don’t suffer too. That you must suffer until and unless they no longer suffer.
If your sister no longer suffered, that would be a relief for you, but your suffering will resume when you notice that someone else is suffering, triggering your core belief formed in your formative years, those years of childhood. This core belief will not go away if and when your sister no longer suffers… The purpose of you punishing yourself is to be good, to punish the bad you and be a good person
.. In summary: this core belief will continue to inflict you with suffering for as long as it exists. There will be good days of hope and positive motivation, but unless you take on the slow and difficult process of healing, that is, changing the many neuropathways in your brain carrying this core belief, the misery will return”
My input today, a year later: the misery returned when Georgia shared with you what she did. Your core belief that you are a bad person who is responsible/ guilty for another’s suffering and therefore you need to be punished, to suffer too, this core belief got activated.
“I feel guilty living such a good life, knowing she’s going through” you wrote today regarding Georgia. This is the same guilt you felt when your parents suffered or didn’t have the opportunities they wanted, when your great gran couldn’t listen to music anymore, when your sister expressed to you her suffering and now, when Georgia expressed to you her suffering.
You are now inclined to punish yourself, to put your life on hold, to make sure you are unhappy and suffering too.
Resist this core belief, talk sense to yourself: you, Cat, are a good person. You didn’t cause Georgia’s suffering, not whatsoever, not your doing, you had nothing to do with it. You don’t deserve to suffer, you deserve to make the best of your life, today, so go and make the best of it!
March 17, 2019 at 1:15 pm #285023
- This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by anita.
How are you?
I wrote a reply to you earlier in the week… It was in depth…I clicked send and then my internet cut out!! So I lost it!! Typical!! xD
But I am glad that I am writing to you today – as lot’s happening my end, and lot’s to tell you and talk to you about.
Firstly, it’s 6.51pm here in Bristol. The sun has set, its Sunday and its fairly quiet outside. I am sat in my bed. Its been a busy day, so just sending a couple emails before preparing for work tomorrow.
Wow, where to even begin….
In response to your last message:
When Georgia told me about her suffering…it’s almost like I felt the despair. Because I can relate so much, and know how it feels to be in that position. I think it triggers some emotion in me, that I’ve buried from a young age (like suppressed emotion). Which I realised recently that I have ALOT of…. So when I hear Georgia telling me about her suffering, it touches upon that reaction and pain that I’ve supressed, and therefore I feel like I am suffering too.
Georgia came to stay with me a couple weekends ago. We had a lovely time together. On the second day, she arranged to meet with the guy… Whilst she was here, I accepted that she is an adult, and I am not responsible for her choices or happiness. She knew my opinion and advice. Before we went out on the 2nd night, she asked me, that if the guy was out, then for me not to say anything to him or start on him….. It was very difficult. As obviously I know all the awful things he’s done to her. But she said that if I did do or say anything, then she wouldn’t be my friend again. I had no choice but to respect this…. We got to the pub, and he was outside. (She had obviously arranged to meet him, which I suspected). I tried my best to keep out of any contact with him. She spent most of the night with him, whilst I was enjoying the gig and seeing other friends. I managed to control my anger…. Which is so hard for me, because when I feel like standing up for something, its so hard to hold back!!! But I did, by staying away from him. She seemed to have a good night. And she stayed at his that night, and stayed at his for the rest of her duration in Bristol. She said it was surprisingly calm, no physical abuse. But some verbal abuse before she left. As a friend, I can only be here as a calm ear, and to offer consistent advice.
Ok, so about me:
Wow. So much has happened, in this week alone!!
But first. Long story short. In my band, it’s been me and my friend – I’ll call her Dolly. We’ve known each other through the punk scene for years… She’s a few years older than me and has kids. She’s already in a band with her husband, I’ll call him Skelli. They’ve been married for years. Very much in love, very inspiring couple to me.
I’ve been hanging out with Dolly more, because of our band. It’s been really nice connecting with her and Skelli again.
When I was at university, I met a guy in my first year. This must of been, 2011/2012. He didn’t go to uni, but was friends with people I was friends with. I’ll call him Angel. We knew each other and hung out a couple of times. Not sure how it came around, probably talking about punk, but I mentioned Skelli and he said that Skelli was his older brother.
I haven’t seen Angel since 2011/12. But I’ve seen him more since hanging out with Dolly more. I went to Skelli’s birthday drinks in December, and saw him again. We hit it off, and both seemed to like each other. We are seeing each other/ talking/ hanging out etc. We talk about emotions and feelings and things like that. I know he’s been through alot, and going through alot right now. We talk about a lot of stuff. So yeah, this is something that I am trying to remain emotionally stable for as well.
So this week……
After the Georgia weekend, I was completely drained. And on the Sunday night I fell in to a state of depression. (Just to let you know, I came on my period the day before). This depression was the worst that I’ve ever had. I felt like I wasn’t myself, and I couldn’t see a future, could not see any hope for my life. I was in bed all week with severe depression, paranoia and anxiety.
I’ve had this before, on my period. I lose a lot of blood in the first 3 days – I’m waiting for my blood test to see if I’m anemic. That’s on the 25th. But this week, I called the Doctors, because I’m quite certain that I have PMDD. Not sure if you’ve heard of it? Basically, it’s PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It’s the symptoms of PMS but MUCH more severe. The on-call doctor called me back, and she said that she relates as she had a similar thing. She said that the only way to stop PMDD is to stop my cycle all together, which means I would need to choose a contraception option – either pill or coil etc to stop my cycle completely, and so to stop the hormonal changes in my body. I have a telephone appointment booked for 2 weeks time, to start this process.
The on-call Doctor suggested that I increase my anti-depressants, as they are meant to help balance the hormones in PMDD too. So they have been increased.
The blood test on the 25th will show whether I’m anemic, and also whether I am gluten intolerant as well.
I also realised this week, that I suffer from chronic headaches. These are something that I have had for a very long time, but always dismissed as depression. It was only when I couldn’t get to sleep AGAIN because of the headaches, that I realised that they might be separate from depression. Again, I spoke to the on-call doctor the next day, and he advised having an eye check and staying hydrated. I have an appointment with the doctor about this soon as well.
So basically, this week, I’ve realised alot about my physical health. Really being self-aware about how I’m feeling in every moment. And realising that I’ve supressed a lot of this pain for quite a while, and this week it all came to the forefront. I realised that with the mental pain: I have been surpressing it, and so it manifests itself as negative thoughts about different aspects of my life.
I had a dream. It was a bad dream, but there was one thing in it that helped me get through the dream. I woke up this morning, and I didn’t just wake up. I felt something, in my heart. It was like a warm wave, of warmth and happiness and security and it made me smile. I haven’t had that feeling in such a long time, that I actually cried. I actually released emotion. Usually I can never cry, and so I spent time allowing myself to feel and allowing myself to cry. It was this morning that I realised, this was my heart energy, and something that I have found hard to connect to for so long. It felt so good connecting to it. I was late for band practice, but when I did go, I wasn’t in my head like I usually was, and I felt like I was living from that heart space.
I can’t explain it right now, but this is something life-changing for me. Something I am trying to be more aware of in every moment. Instead of living from my head, living from my heart.
Would love to hear your thoughts on all of this,
CatMarch 17, 2019 at 3:25 pm #285033
I will read and reply to your thread when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. Interesting, I thought about you earlier today, before your recent post… I looked at the time on the computer and it read 11:11, I still don’t believe in it as a sign from above though!)
anitaMarch 18, 2019 at 8:03 am #285091
And last night when I looked at the time on my phone, it was 1:11… and I still don’t believe it is a sign from above.
Regarding not losing your post again, you can copy it (Ctr+C) before you submit, then if it is lost, paste it (Ctrl+V).
You expressed this very well: “when I hear Georgia telling me about her suffering, it touches upon.. pain that I’ve suppressed and therefore I feel like I am suffering too”.
Georgia told you how her boyfriend was abusive to her, you suffered, and then she said “that if I did do or say anything, then she wouldn’t be my friend again”-
– it is not fair- she vented to you, burdened and drained you and felt calmer and refreshed, able to resume the relationship she complained to you about (“I managed to control my anger.. Which is so hard for me… After the Georgia weekend, I was completely drained”, and “She seemed to have a good night… She said it was surprisingly calm”)-
-It happens often that people complain and vent about their partners, relieve their distress that way and are therefore refreshed and able to continue the relationship. Later they complain and vent again, get a relief and continue. This is done at the expense of the person listening to the complaints, suffering the pain of the complainer only to see the complainer volunteering for another round of the relationship they complain about.
Basically, the complainer is using the empathetic friend as a way to get relief and resume the relationship they complained about and will complain about again.
Because that weekend drained you and you got your period, and maybe because your friend left and you missed her (?) you experienced depression, “the worst that I’ve ever had”, you wrote, “I was in bed all week with severe depression, paranoia and anxiety”. I am glad you followed up with doctors, making appointments. Reads to me that stopping the cycle altogether will eliminate the PMDD disorder. At this point then you will be stopping the cycle, increase your anti depressants, wait to see if you are anemic and if your headaches have anything to do with your eyesight. You will keep yourself hydrated and maybe avoid gluten.
Emotional pain and physical pain, such as your headaches are likely to be connected, I think, because really there is nothing about our bodies that is not physical: everything we experience is physical.
Regarding your dream, that “warm wave, of warmth and happiness and security” that made you smile, that “heart space” as you called it, I think this is the feeling a child has when feeling safe, no worries, no distress.
This feeling of early childhood safety, we all want to feel it. It is intoxicating, magical really. It is a feeling a child has on a good day, the sun is shining, the grass is green, flowers blooming, all laughter, life to explore, engaged in life to the fullest.
I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope you feel better and better.
anitaApril 28, 2019 at 5:56 am #291567McCloud AntonovParticipant
I believed you have learned more from this site and I think that will open up your mind which were been blocking you from progressing well.October 20, 2019 at 3:12 pm #318865
On my journey of life & learning, I’ve been thinking of you alot. I haven’t forgotten!! I will write to you soon.
CatOctober 21, 2019 at 5:16 am #318927
I thought about you only yesterday, before you posted the above. Glad you didn’t forget. Looking forward to read from you soon!
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 6:18 am #322323
Hoping to read from you soon!
anitaDecember 31, 2019 at 9:42 am #330479
Happy New Year, Cat !
anitaFebruary 16, 2020 at 12:10 pm #338580
I still haven’t forgotten about you!!
Happy New Year too 🙂
How have you been?
It’s 8pm in Bristol. There’s a storm outside, so I have spent today inside, reading and writing lyrics for a song I wrote.
A lot has happened my end since we last spoke…All the people I mentioned in the last post are no longer in my life….
Me and Angel had an on/off thing for a while. It was difficult because he lived in a different town to me, so I only got to see him every so often. He would be on/off and sometimes reply to my messages, and sometimes he wouldn’t. Also, when we hung out, he would refuse to be affectionate, like kiss me and things like that. It was weird, he said he wanted me but then he was always unattainable. The whole situation was really hard for me, and it triggered a lot of my emotional dysregulation as it would be on my mind alot.
That finished the end of last year.
In October last year, I also left the band I was in. This was partly my own fault but partly the reactions of others too.It’s a long story, but I have realised who my true friends are, and I’m currently starting a new project with people outside of that scene. I feel a lot better for it, as I want to connect with people who are just good, understanding people.
I also have a new job, doing support work with deaf people but doing music, art, drama and card making sessions! I do that 4 days a week and the care job 1 day a week.
Cat xFebruary 16, 2020 at 12:30 pm #338586
My goodness! March 17, 2019 was your last message to me, then a line on Oct last year and a message again, 11 months after the last message, almost to the day (we had a thing with numbers, and I still see 11:11 ever since you brought it up!
Interesting that your new job is with deaf people while your art form is a very audible form, music.
I will soon be away from the computer for a while. When I am back I will re-read your recent post and some from before (as well as anything you want to add) and respond to you then. It may be as long as Mon morning my time (18 hours from now).
anitaFebruary 17, 2020 at 9:32 am #338700
I want to catch up with you on a number of things that you mentioned March last year:
1) What happened with the blood test you intended to take so to check if you are anemic?
2) Were you diagnosed with PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder), and did you get any treatment for it (are you on contraceptives so to stop the menstrual cycle altogether, something you considered back then)?
3) Back in March, you increased the dosage of your anti-depressants. Any changes in medication since and how are you feeling taking your current medications?
4) How are you doing with those chronic headaches, and did you have that eye check you were recommended?
I am also wondering if Georgia is still your friend?
I hope these are not too many questions for you to answer.
anitaMarch 9, 2020 at 6:07 am #342422
It’s nearly 1pm here in Bristol. The weather outside is bland. The sky is white. I am sat in bed, still in my onesie. My room is a mess. My eyes are puffy from crying. I have been on annual leave for the past 2 weeks – and I was due back to work today. I got a phonecall from the nursing home, with the news that one of my lil old ladies passed away 🙁 She was 93, a feisty little thing, and v stubborn. I’ve supported her for over a year, and we developed a relationship that was so funny. Seeing her face light up on shift really made me feel like I was making a difference in my work. I felt like I meant something to someone.
I did not go to work today, because I think I deserved time to grieve her passing. I wasn’t there for the final days, and I’ve been worrying that I could of done more. My colleagues have spoken to me on the phone, and they said that out of everyone, I gave her so much joy in the final years of her life. We joked, danced, played. She loved me, and I loved her.
My new job is part of that same organisation – their building is across the road. I did talk to them and said I wouldn’t be in because I was grieving. They said that it wouldn’t come under grievance leave because she wasn’t family or next of kin. The care home are going to tell them how close we were, I think, and make them understand.
I’ve been feeling a bit low the past couple of days. Mostly due to a lot of reasons. Sometimes I feel like I am stupid, or I am really unintelligent. Especially when I talk to people who I see as intelligent. Such as people who talk about things I don’t know, and people who I see achieving more than I am. – This is a conversation that needs its own explanatory post.
In response to your questions:
1. I had the blood test – and it turns out that I wasn’t anemic or gluten intolerant etc. But those problems have subsided.
2. I wasn’t officially diagnosed with PMDD, but I tried going on microgynon contraceptive pill, which has really balanced out my hormones and has been working so far.
3. No more changes to my anti-depressants, and I’ve actually been feeling ALOT less depressed!!! Spending way less time in bed, and I’ve been more pro-active in believing in myself and following my dreams.
4. The chronic headaches have stopped – and I had the eye check. I do have a lazy eye – but I do feel it strengthening on occasions!!!
CatMarch 9, 2020 at 6:57 am #342428
I understand you needing time to grieve the passing of your friend; “We joked, danced, played. She loved me, and I loved her.. I gave her so much joy in the final years of her life”, “Seeing her face light up on shift really made me feel like I was making a difference”-
– take a moment today and see/ feel your own face light up at the thought and memory of you lighting up her face and her days as you joked, danced and played with her.
I am glad you followed through with your medical appointments, that your chronic headaches stopped, and that you are not anemic or gluten intolerant and that you’ve been feeling a lot less depressed for a long time, and that your hormones are more balanced now.
You are welcome to post anytime about feeling “stupid.. really unintelligent”- not for a moment was I under the impression that you are unintelligent. I would like to read about what this is about.
anitaMarch 12, 2020 at 12:42 pm #342992
This week has been quite intense.
Last week I was on annual leave, and a couple things happened when I was away that gave me emotional feelings back to what happened in Amsterdam in 2016. (I was given rhohypnol and was still conscious when I saw 2 guys standing in front of me waiting to assault me). Two things happened when I was away, and last Friday I had a nightmare regarding being sedated, and I woke up in cold sweats. Since Friday, I have continued to have cold sweats.
I went back to work on Tuesday, and my new art sessions job wasn’t that supportive, but I was allowed to spend my working hours in the care home. I spent some time in my old friends room and said my goodbye’s. When I came home on Tuesday evening, I had a nap and when I woke up I was in sweats again. I realised that my mental health really wasn’t normal, or good. I was reliving different traumatic events through my bandmates as well and being very untrusting of them.
I spoke with the on-call GP today and she agreed with me, and believes I’m experiencing PTSD symptoms, and I do need to address this past trauma in my life. I am currently looking in to trauma therapy.