update:

Well, Last weekend I was going to talk to her Friday night, but when she got home her mom asked if we could have dinner with them and her sister.  So i wasn’t going to ruin that.  Then saturday rolled around and Then it was sunday.  So  Monday came around.  I had my daughters stay with their mom Monday night.   I told her that my daughters are unhappy and my oldest doesn’t even want to come over anymore.  I said we are all unhappy.  I mean everyone.  and that because of things i have done(talking to my ex repeatedly behind her back) that I don’t think i can ever show her the love she needs and I don’t think she will ever not have some doubt and insecurity with me.  I pretty much said that I don’t think we are compatible as a family and such.   Well, she was hurt and all, but then in denial again.  It’s been two days and she’s still thinking we are going to be together forever.  She even said that my daughter is just using this for attention!  She did say it feels like pins and needles now around the house.  Which is very true.  I’ve just been in the shop overnight working on my car all night.  only saying a minimum.  She did say something about her needing to find a place to live, but I think she just says that to try to get me to tell her no, stay here.  I didn’t though.  I was just quite.  I think I’m going to take my girls  riding this weekend, just them and me and leave her and her kids home.  Then come next week, I’m going to have to write her a letter.  Something I can get out in words saying everything that needs to be said.  I have decided that I need her gone.  I do love her very much.  I know this because it does hurt.  But at the same time, it’s too much.  She is getting so clingy and needy.

on a side note, It’s freakin amazing how much this situation has really made me think about my ex.  How if she was having any doubts in her mind about us in the last month or two.  How I was just like my girlfriend is now.  Just kept pestering her, basically being a little whiny insecure person looking for her attention, doing whatever she needed and wanted with no backbone.  I know this because now, my girlfriend is texting me all the time over nothing, when I need to be left alone to think.  That is exactly what I did with my ex.  The more she texts and bothers me the more irritated and tired I get of her.  The world is a cruel and ironic place that is for sure.  classic saying”  If i would have known then what I know now…”  I would of know to leave my ex completely alone, when she first showed signs, I should of just walked away, swallowed my pride and hurt and just left.  To be completely honest, that is what she needed.  I think If I would of done that, stood up for myself instead of just taking the rejection and constantly badgering her with being weak and insecure, then she would have thought twice and came back.  But instead I was in her face constantly.  This is just crazy and it hurts to see how I really was with her.

So back to my girlfriend.  As I was saying, I’m going to work on a letter for her and probably send an email.  I know that sounds tacking and bad, but I am bad at confrontation.  I stumble with words and don’t say everything I need to.  I do think this weekend or maybe monday i will do that.  Since I don’t have my girls next week.  I will do my  best and being nice, but yet telling her that it is over and I can’t do this anymore.  That i really need to focus on myself and my girls.  That I will help her in any way that I can, but we do need to find somewhere for her to go, that even trying to be roommates would make for a worse situation.

This has got to be one of the worst times in my life.  Because i’m breaking the hearts of her and her kids, feeling guilty cause she is in no place to start a new alone, just all in general, and of coarse because this whole thing has really made me understand what went wrong with my last relationship and how I caused the end because of how I acted and behaved.

I have to go.  been busy work week.  I will keep you posted.