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I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months ago.

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  • #276381

    John
    Participant

    Hello all and hello to any of you that followed me from my other thread.

    Well, long story short.  Dated someone for about 7-8 months, then she moved in.  She has two kids. boy 7rs and girl 9 yrs.  FULL TIME.  No daddy in the picture.  She transferred them from their school to my kids school.  My kids are girls, 8 and 12 btw. and I have them 50/50 week on/week off.

    Since she moved in, her job she did have screwed her and scheduled her for sunday thru thursday night from 4PM to 3am.  and they converted her to salary.  Money was still decent, however i became full time single daddy to her kids( that’s what it felt like).  And we hardly saw each other…  Well we ended up decided that she needed to leave that place.  So she did before xmas.  She had a good job prospect lined up that would of been mostly day shift mon-fri.  perfect!  not as much money, but worth the change.

    Well that job hasn’t hit yet.  still waiting on them to get their shit together.  Meanwhile she found a part time job, min. wage plus tips.  So basically she makes just enough for her gas, smokes, ect…  I’m now paying all of her bills and all household bills.  Just to back up a little, when she originally moved in, i helped her with her bills then too.  She was a month behind on her car payment and over balance on some credit cards.  I got her all fixed up.  Now she is current on everything.

    I have spent quite a bit of $$ helping her out.

    Now comes for the part where i “ruined her life”  or at least I feel like i am in the process of it.

    The place she was living before was her mom’s rental.  She only had to pay $650 a month for rent, electricity is cheaper there, ect.  It was just down the block from her parents house, and close to a friends.  So she had help when needed with her kids(daycare).  She actually had a pretty good set up there.  The problem was that we wanted to see more of each other and being 20 minutes apart and her having kids full time and me every other week, it made it difficult.  We thought moving in would be good.  Now that she has moved in , her brother and his family took over the rental she was in.  So she has nowhere inexpensive to go now.

    heres some info on how much my girlfriend loves me.  Well I had a pretty heartbreaking break up with my ex-girlfriend before I met my current girlfriend.  So, on and off through the last 8-9 months I have been texting my ex.  really confusing me.  My current girlfriend found out a couple times and is still with me.  I have recently since the new year blocked and ceased all contact with my ex.  Trying to focus on my current relationship, instead of dwelling on what I once had.

    My girlfriend is an amazing woman with a huge heart.  She has made it clear that I’m “the one” for her.  She loves me till the end and would do anything for me.

    Then here I am.  feeling like a jerk because I know how I “should” feel about her. And I don’t.  I do love her, but am I “in love” with her like someone should be?  Sometimes i feel it, but a lot of the time i don’t.  I don’t know if it’s because of the financial situation we are in now because of her employment, or if it’s because her kids are a handful.

    quick note about her kids.  her son has serious issues.  I have never seen a kid act this way.  there are times he just flips out over something that is nothing.  an example is his sister was in the living room watching the show that he put on and he got crazy pissed and threw a tantrum because she was watching his show!  WTH???  Seriously, i’ve had to pick him up and carry him out of a restaurant before kicking and screaming because he was screaming at the top of his lungs over nothing.  My girlfriend is trying to find counseling and possibly medication for him now.  Her daughter…  She is a sweetheart, however there is no talking to her.  She has something to say about everything and if  you were to agree with her, she would argue with you about that.  She is selfish and acts like a little queen snob a lot of the time.  Both her kids argue and yell to their mom, they both back talk.  both kids are very disrespectful.

    My girls aren’t angels.  But they know not to back talk, they share, they will do what I ask, and anywhere we are, they know if I’m serious and will stop and be quiet.

    It’s very hard for me and my girls to adjust to her kids full time.

    So back to my dilemma.  I really believe if her kids weren’t such a handful and she was independent financially so that she could pay her own shit, and help out with some household expenses that maybe that would help me feel differently.  I feel between everything that has happened with her work, kids, ect.  It has made it now so that i have no patience and the littlest thing gets under my skin.

    So now we are waiting for her tax return and for that hopeful job to hit.  With her taxes we plan on paying off all her credit cars so the only bills she would have left are her car payment., car insurance, and cell phone.  then I was hoping that job took off and she would be able to save a good amount from taxes.

    My thought is this.  If things aren’t better by the end of march, then I’m going to ask her to leave.  I do love her and hate the idea of hurting her and especially her kids!  They have been through a lot in their lives and not having a father or father figure until me.  Then if we separate…  How devastating is that to her children?  I know if it’s not going to work it’s better then subjecting them to a mess of us living together.  But still…  I feel like shit about the whole thing.  I know now that we should have waited another 6 months or more before living together.  Hindsight right?

    Another thing that is now a problem is that my 12 yr old pulled me aside recently and told me that she is uncomfortable at home now.   That my girlfriends kids are too much for her and she feels stress and tension all the time.  She pretty much said she doesn’t want them there anymore.  GREAT!  I had  a good talk with her about me and her doing more things, just the two of us or with her sister.  And about us trying to do more family things all together and maybe that would help.  Again, i will give it time.  But if nothing changes then…  One thing is that she was super excited for them to move in too.  I made it a point to ask her and her little sister several times because i wanted to make sure they were okay with it.

    So here I am…  I feel guilty for uprooting my girlfriend and her kids.  Feel guilty if we do end it because I now feel like i’m abandoning her and her kids.  I feel guilty for my kids now because of how they feel at home now.  I feel miserable at times because my life went from having fun and doing fun things every other weekend or more to being broke and trapped at home taking care of 3 more people.  I don’t know anymore.  I want to do the right thing, but i don’t want to ruin lives and hurt people either.

    thanks for listening…

    #276445

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I know it will be super painful, but get rid of your girlfriend and her kids!! OMG, I feel that she totally took advantage of you. You are not a horrible person for kicking them out, but they should never have moved in to begin with! Also, you really have no business dating and introducing girlfriends to your kids. This is what happens. Can you wait until they are grown before doing this sort of thing again?

    One way to get rid of them if you are renting is to take your kids on vacation and casually never return. Let the rent lapse or she can get roommates to cover it from now on. OR what my parents did is they literally sold their house so they weren’t “kicking their son out” and moved into a one bedroom 500 square foot house so he couldn’t move in.

    Just be honest and say you are going nuts here.

    Best,

    Inky

    #276451

    Valora
    Participant

    I know I’ve told you this a bunch, but I’ll say it again because I second Inky’s advice.

    You are not responsible for her leaving her old place and moving to yours. She made that decision for herself in a brand new relationship, which was a TERRIBLE decision on her part. Meanwhile, you were still grieving a relationship and she knew that even then, right? Terrible decision on her part.

    I also highly, highly doubt that even if there wasn’t the mess with her kids and her work and your ex that you would feel any differently because there is still the drinking and the co-dependence on her part, neither of which are healthy and both of which would eventually drive you just as nuts. The fact that she put up with being second to your ex AND drilled into your head over and over that you’re the one for her despite the fact that you are in love with someone and AND the fact that guys fought all the time just screeeaaams co-dependence. It’s not going to be a healthy relationship even if everything else was perfect because she is way too dependent. If she were the type to have the independence that you wish she had, she would not be in this mess in the first place and she wouldn’t need you to constantly help her.  If she doesn’t have a very good job, she likely now qualifies for at least some government help being that she is a mom of 2. Make sure she doesn’t put you and your kids down on the paperwork. I’d have her try to get that to get back on her feet.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with leaving this relationship and leaving her to deal with the mess that SHE made (because she’s an adult capable of making her own decisions and needs to take responsibility for that), and you would be smart to leave.

    #276487

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    1. Your girlfriend smokes (“So basically she makes just enough for her gas, smokes, etc.”)- it is unhealthy for her, not good for her kids to have an unhealthy mother, and if she smokes inside the house, it is damaging to her kids and to yours. She smoked before you met her, she will probably smoke if you leave her, correct?

    2. She had a mother-incompatible job, from 4PM to 3AM, and now has a minimum paying job plus tips. Her employment prospects were not good before you met her, and will not be good if you leave her, no difference, correct?

    3. Her children’s father was not in the picture before you met her and is not going to be there if you leave her. Her son throwing tantrums and her daughter arguing, both disrespectful to their mother, that was before you met her, and will continue if you leave her, no  difference, correct?

    And you living with her, being that “father figure” you mentioned, didn’t change their behavior at all, did it?

    – in other words, if you end this relationship, she will still smoke, her employment prospects will still be the same, her children’s father will still not be in the picture, and her children’s troubles will continue as is.

    Your own daughter is troubled by the arrangement.

    Why don’t you make a list of the benefits of this arrangement to  your daughters, to her children, to  you and to her. I will be glad to read these 4 lists.

    anita

    #276491

    Mark
    Participant

    John,
    First and foremost you are the one responsible for your children’s well being as well as yours.
    Your adult girlfriend is responsible for her children and herself.

    If your girlfriend truly has a good heart and will do anything for you then she will understand you making life decisions based on the good of your kids.

    I would examine yourself insofar as taking on the role as “caregiver” and how that plays a role in your current situation. Plus it sounded like you had a hard time letting go of your ex. Codependency? You might want to look into that as well.

    Mark

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  Mark.
    #276697

    John
    Participant

    I believe you are right in some ways.  I’m really trying to give this a solid try.  If i do decide she needs to be gone, I do want to wait a little bit so she can get back on her feet though.  I know these were her decisions, however I did have influence in them as well.  I just don’t feel right with myself making her leave when she is this position.

    I have given this a lot of thought though.  I really do think i would be happier on my own.  I do need more time for me to figure out me.  Especially since I do still think about my ex more than I should.  I should be thinking about my girlfriend.  Not  my ex.  And if she (my girlfriend) was meant for me, then i wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about her.

    And my girlfriend will talk about life plans and things like that, I don’t get excited like I should.  I’ve felt that before with someone else and I just don’t with her.

    I just wished I would have waited to move her in.  It felt like the right thing to do at the time and wanted to do it before the school year.

    #276719

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    I understand that you care for this woman.  It sounds like your daughter is really being negatively affected by your gf’s children. Twelve years old is a tough age especially for a girl.  Are you choosing your gf over your daughter?

     

    Mark

    #276743

    Valora
    Participant

    You said you have a plan, right? In the other thread? Tax refund time is coming and she will be able to use those to pay some things off or maybe have a deposit for a place? Maybe you should tell her how you’re feeling so that you can both search for maybe some other affordable places that she could go. Does she have any close friends that might want to be roommates? Any way they could stay with her brother at her old place for a while or with her mom?

    I can tell you, she will most definitely be more motivated to get back on her feet a lot quicker if she’s in a situation she doesn’t really want to be in than if she stays with you.  Right now, it’s more of an advantage to her if she stays with you and DOESN’T get back on her feet because she wants to be with you and you will not leave her as long as she’s unable to find another place to live. Know what I mean?  I’m not saying to immediately kick her out, but if your daughter is miserable, you really should definitely do what you can to help move this along as fast as possible. I would probably just go ahead and have a talk with your girlfriend. Make it clear that you don’t feel the relationship is working for you (I think you HAVE given it a sold try already… and the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs you just wrote say it all), and that you will help her come up with a good solution on where to move to, but it will have to happen soon.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by  Valora.
    #276889

    John
    Participant

    Mark, i am not.  I am first trying to make it better.  We had a rough start since she moved in and my daughter and I talked about giving it a month or two to see if things get better. I told her if not then we will figure things out.  My daughter is number one.

     

    Yes, we do have a plan.  Still waiting on her w2 to come.  After that we will know exactly her money and what we can do to get her back on her feet.  Also waiting on her finding a better job.  She is looking and applying ever day.  She does feel horrible that i am supporting her and her kids.

    Worst case, she could live with her mother or sister.  I really want her to be in a good place financially first though.

    I’m trying to do the right thing all around.

    #276925

    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi John,

    I’m wondering if this girl came into your life when you were especially sad, lost, lonely, and needy, and that all those feelings made you desperate to have her move in with you so you’d have someone with you 24/7 to help take away your pain. So although she knew she was giving up a great living situation to move in with you, the promises you made to her back then convinced her to do it anyway. Both of you believed back then that there was a bright future ahead of you together. You now know that it’s not meant to be, now realizing your mistake, and you feel guilty about what you need to do to fix this mistake.

    I could be totally wrong but if this is what happened I understand completely how you feel. This happens all the time. Couples move in together, give up nice homes to build one together thinking it’s going to work out fine, but it doesn’t much of the time. Your mistake was making a life-changing decision that affects you, your kids, your gf, and her kids, all when you were struggling emotionally, not thinking clearly. People do this all the time. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

    B

    #276965

    John
    Participant

    Thanks brandy.  I think a big part of everything it is that her situation changed so much when she did move in.  Before we lived together she had things figured out with her kids, daycare, work, ect….  then after she moved in so much in her work life changed and the fact we are 20 miles away from her parents which used to help out daily with her kids.  It made me the sole person to help whenever.  Became very hard for this guy.  I know these are all things we should of thought of.  But like you said  we had bright hopes and dreams.

    #277731

    John
    Participant

    Okay, well update…  We were able to do her taxes finally.  with her projected return (not as much as we had thought)  She should be able to pay off all credit bill except for one visa and her car.  We did open up an account for her at a credit union and closed her other bank account.  Our goal is to build her credit up and then she can refinance her car in 6 months for about $100 less per month with better rates and months.

    I’m really trying to make it so she can survive on her own.  Unfortunately, even if she did get this job we’ve been waiting on and got paid in the middle of the pay range available.  I still down’ think she could afford and apartment and  her daily expenses.  I was really hoping that it would be better.

    So for right now, I am just going to really try to focus on us and making things better.  She is really cracking down on her children and we are putting rules in affect around the house for all the kids, including chores for them.  Trying to make it a equal thing at our house.

    Our 1 year anniversary of meeting each other is coming up next week.  I should feel excited and thrilled.  I just feel like it’s another day or week.  It really makes me wonder if this is what my ex felt like.  If she felt guilty and hurt for me because she knew how much I loved her and she didn’t feel that way in return.  Life is a cruel bitch sometimes.

    back to my girlfriend.  We are going away for a night or two in a couple weeks.  I’m hoping that helps.

    I really think though, once she gets this job and we can get her on a good budget so she knows what kind of expendable income she will have every month then we can make plans or goals.  then I will revisit my feelings and my girls feelings and how we are all doing.  If it hasn’t changed, then I will have to have a talk with her.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  But If things don’t change, I know I can’t live like this anymore.  for me or my girls.  I feel like such an asshole.

    #277735

    Valora
    Participant

    Then I will revisit my feelings and my girls feelings and how we are all doing.  If it hasn’t changed, then I will have to have a talk with her.  I’m not looking forward to that at all.  But If things don’t change, I know I can’t live like this anymore.  for me or my girls.  I feel like such an asshole.

    I believe you said this exact thing back in November, where your plan was to wait and see until how you felt in the new year, and you’re still feeling the same way and saying the same things. Do you think it’s possible you’re trying to drag this out because it’s a conversation you don’t want to have because it makes you feel guilty?

    Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

    #278567

    John
    Participant

    I believe you said this exact thing back in November, where your plan was to wait and see until how you felt in the new year, and you’re still feeling the same way and saying the same things. Do you think it’s possible you’re trying to drag this out because it’s a conversation you don’t want to have because it makes you feel guilty?

    Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

     

    Yes I do feel guilty.  I feel absolutely horrible about the whole thing.  I had reservations in july about her moving in and I went ahead with it anyways because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I know now that it wasn’t.  I have to wait until she at least gets a full time job before I feel right about telling her that we need to go separate ways.  I don’t feel right making her leave with the situation she is in now.  Either way I know I need to talk to her by the end of the month or in march for sure.  I’m hoping that this job we’ve been waiting on happens though.  I would feel a lot better if she was working full time day shift somewhere.  I really hate that I put myself in this position.  live and learn i guess.

    It is funny how me feeling like this, really makes me wonder how long my ex felt like she was done before she really told me?  If she was in the same position and felt bad, which prolonged her waiting to say something.  The irony of things really freakin sucks sometimes.

    I know I need to do this.  but it is very hard.  I feel like such and A$$hole for everything.  I know though that I need to do what is best for me and my girls happiness.  Right now, it just feels like for every one “good” day, there are six “bad” days.

    #278609

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    Every person has to be careful when entering another person’s life, especially children’s lives. A good person doesn’t want to hurt others, especially not innocent children who don’t make the choices that get them where they are.

    From communicating with you in the past, it became clear to me that what you need is a relationship with a woman who has no minor children under her care, a woman who is financially okay enough to be able to participate in fun activities with you. Basically, you need fun and calm in a relationship, not stress and excess responsibilities. Therefore this relationship with this current girlfriend is not right for y0u.

    I am glad you are considering the welfare of your girlfriend (soon to be an ex) and her children. See to it that they live close to resources/ people who will help her with the care of her children, and that she will not be in a financial crisis as a result of the ending of her relationship with you.

    I suggest that you see to it that the ending of this relationship is as peaceful as possible, no fighting, no arguing, and that you will visit her children after the separation, at least for a while.

    Take care of what you need to take care of and place this relationship in your past in a responsible way.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
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