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I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life

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This topic contains 87 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 3 hours ago.

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  • #278645

    John
    Participant

    Also… what would happen if your ex came to you tomorrow and said she wanted to start over and be with you again and told you everything you wanted to hear? What would you do about your situation with your current girlfriend then? Because even if your ex came back, you still have this problem of your girlfriend depending on you.

     

    I forgot to answer this…

    Honestly I don’t know what I would do.  I think I would tell her it is over and we need to figure out her living situation, however I wouldn’t put her in dire straights either.  That is a very tough question.  fortunately I know that my ex wouldn’t do that.  It would take a her a lot to swallow her pride and admit that she did wrong and was wrong.  She is a very proud and stubborn woman.  I still think that she was already talking to someone before we split up and she still can’t admit it, although she had said things several times that suggested it.  Just like one time when we were texting about 9 months ago, she said that i was just guilty as things as she was.  Well according to her she did nothing wrong, so what would she be guilty of then??  I guess statements like that help me think about the person she really is, although it is still very hard to not want to be with her again.  It is so hard to explain these feelings i have.  Very defeating and frustrating.

    #278847

    John
    Participant

    Well. Today I realized I’m really not in love with my girlfriend. It’s our one year anniversary today of meeting each other. And instead of wanting to get her something special. I feel like I have to. Even picking out a card I felt like I had to find one that didn’t say anything meaning that we were meant for each other or we will be together forever. And for flowers. I just got a normal bouquet that wasn’t too expensive

    with my ex girlfriend  for our anniversary.  I  could t wait to get her something.  In fact I had three sets of flowers delivered to her at work throughout the day and I wrote her a poem and had made reservations at a nice restaurant.  I couldn’t really afford it but I didn’t care.  She was my baby and I loved her with no boundaries or judgement.

    I feel like such an a$$hole.  I wish I could feel that way with my girlfriend now.  This is so hard.  I regret I ever went the next level with my girlfriend.  I feel like I have or will destroy her world.

    When we met it felt so right .  Now it just feels like it’s what I’m supposed to do.  Just getting  by.  I can’t help but think this is what my ex felt like.

    I feel so bad for not seeing how things had gotten bad with my ex and I feel horrible about things now with my girlfriend.  I should of never started dating again.

    I feel like all I do is keep making mistakes and hurting people around me.

     

    #278849

    Valora
    Participant

    Do you usually celebrate both the anniversary of both when you meet someone and when you start dating? or does the meet date count as the annual anniversary?  I’m just asking because I haven’t heard of anyone celebrating the anniversary of meeting before, so I’m not sure how that works.

    But yeah, I agree. Things are different with your current girlfriend and that’s not your fault. You can’t help that your feelings aren’t there for her. That’s not something you can control. I really think the sooner you rip off the band-aid and start working actively on a different place for her to move to, the better off everyone in your situation will be.

    How long did things feel really right with your current girlfriend for? Did that feeling last a while or was it short-lived? You got with her really soon after you and your ex ended things, right?

    #278953

    John
    Participant

    we celebrated the day we physically met. 

    The feelings lasted quite a while. I do t think they started to fade until well after she moved in. In fact things were going good up until my ex contacted me the last time. That really put me a step backwards. Just things she said. Like telling me she thought of me often. It really confused me and made me think about what I was feeling.

    I agree. The sooner I can do this the better. I don’t want to put pressure on my girlfriend right now though. I would rather her be working a full time job that she could afford her bills at least.

    I know it takes two and her being in this position is choices that she made but I still feel responsible. Last night she told me that she can’t wait until I feel butterflies when she texts me or calls me. I felt really bad when she said that. God I feel like a prick. I hate that I put myself in this position. And her.

    #278975

    anita
    Participant

    * Dear John: in case you missed my post to you from Feb 4, the last one on page 1 of this thread, maybe it will help you to read it. Please let me know so that I am aware of whether you read and ignored my post or didn’t read it at all. This will help me to figure out whether to post to you again or not.

    anita

    #278979

    Valora
    Participant

    The feelings lasted quite a while. I do t think they started to fade until well after she moved in.

    How long is “quite a while,” though, months-wise?  I’m just trying to get an idea for the timeline of all of this. It sounds like your girlfriend was a classic rebound, which would explain why it felt right at the beginning but then started to feel wrong after a short while and why you feel the way you do now, which does not make you a prick. I do worry about your girlfriend thinking butterflies are going to develop. If anything, butterflies usually fade, and it might be good to start preparing her for a breakup so she isn’t just completely blindsided by it.

    It’s a good thing that you want to make sure she can afford her bills, though. Hopefully she’ll be able to move back closer to family and find a roommate or something. Living on your own these days is hard when your income is low.

    #279163

    John
    Participant

    How long is “quite a while,” though, months-wise?

     

    I would say 6 months or more.  It wasn’t until about a couple months after she moved in that I started feeling the other way.  I think it was a combination of things.  Between now living with her kids full time, having to pretty much raise them by myself on school nights for 2-1/2 months because of her work schedule, now because she is barely working and I am paying her car payment and insurance because she can’t afford it.  (she does get almost $500) a month in food stamps now though so that is a big contribution).  And then there was/is the obvious.  My EX!  If she would of never contacted me again after my girlfriend moved in.  I know things would have been better.  In fact it was 3 months of no contact whatsoever from september to mid December and I was doing so much better.  I was focusing on my girlfriend and US!  I was feeling better about myself and us having a family.  Then Whammo!  My ex reaches out to me.  This last time really screwed with my brain in a bad way.  It’s almost like she can sense when i’m finally “moving on” like she keeps telling me she has and wants me to and then she can’t handle it so she gets involved in my life And says certain things that she knows will screw with my brain.  Just enough to make me question things and miss her.  I know if she wouldn’t have contacted me this last time in december I would be doing a whole lot better now.

    I guess thinking about  it, them most time i have went without contact from my ex has been about 3 months.  After we broke up it was mid December last we talked, then in march for a while, then she stopped and blocked me again, then again in july, then she blocked me again, then august/september(that’s when my girlfriend found out and contacted her.)  then she blocked me again saying we are done and she (my girlfriend) can have me.  Then again this last December.   So confusing and it hurts.  Sorry didn’t mean to get all side tracked here….

    I really think that the circumstances we ended up in played a big role in changing how I feel.  I guess I thought when the moved in that we would have more time together and $ would be easier on the both of us.  Instead it was quite the opposite.  When she first moved in, she was making good money.  However she was behind on a few bills and it took a while to get caught up(I helped).  Then there was xmas with 4 kids, friends and family that now has doubled in size.  Between all of that it kept us super tight on money.  I’ve always been one that stresses about money.  She is the opposite.  She would rather skip a payment or be late then not struggle and pay on time.  I’ve been trying to help her learn that if she does want things in the future that she needs to be good about her bills and expenses and not slack.

    And now…  with me paying some of her bills and I cover all household expenses.  It’s getting hard.   I would love for her to cover her own and be able to at least pay utilities or something.  that would be amazing!  But she can’t.  I know she feels absolutely horrible about the whole thing too.  She is a mess.  If she could she would pay every one of my bills.  I know that.

    What sucks is I would of done this for my ex without a thought,  without regret.  But my ex also didn’t have two kids that are a handful and keep us locked up at home 99% of the time.

    Last night was good and bad.  Her son lost his shit in a bad way.  Lots of anger.  I ended up taking his door off the hinges so he wouldn’t slam it anymore.  She is trying to find counseling for him and hopefully something for him to take.  I swear he has some kind of bi-polarism.   until then though we deal.  Then her daughter is a drama queen.  Either throwing a fuss or crying.  It’s all very hard for me.  However my girlfriend and I were able to relax together for a couple hours which was nice.

    I forgot where i even started with all of this.  I guess maybe I just needed to talk some.  I just wish things were different.  I wish she had a good job, m-f regular hours making decent money, and grateful kids with a place for them to go every other weekend so we could have our time.  I don’t know if I told you this, but the last time her kids stayed with her parents, her son flipped out my girlfriends mom told her that she will not watch her son again until he is better.  That’s pretty bad if his grandparent is done watching him.  He is just out of control.  i do worry about him.  But I can’t deal with this all  the time.

    I need to get to work.  more later.  thanks

    #279193

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, 6-8 months is about the standard time frame for rebounds, from what I’ve heard, so that’s right in line with it.  It’s once the magic of the “honeymoon phase” wears off and real life creeps in. When you have a better connection, you’re able to better deal with the real life stuff together… just like you know that you would’ve felt better about doing this stuff for your ex (although the son would be hard for anyone to handle in any situation). This is also why I think that if your girlfriend was a true match for you, it wouldn’t have mattered that your ex contacted you. You would’ve already had what you wanted with your girlfriend. But you didn’t, and that’s why your ex contacting you threw you into a tailspin. Does that make sense?

    I know how you feel about the contact with your ex making you feel worse, though. The longest I’ve gone without some sort of contact with mine was about a month and a half. haha. One of us is always messaging the other about something. And it does set me back a little bit, too, so I get it, but I’m also single. If I were with someone who I was happy with and who gave me that feeling of “home,” my ex’s contact would not set me back like it does because I’d already have what he could give me. So it would make no difference to me. And the same goes for you… if you had someone who gives you those same feelings (and there are more women out there that will), your ex contacting you will have no power over you.

    I can also tell you this….. my ex was in a similar situation to your girlfriend. He had 2 kids with his ex-wife and was absolutely getting reaped for child support. Did not make enough to survive on, didn’t have a car most of the time, so I had to front a lot of things, bought a lot of the food, let him drive my car to and from work, etc. He felt terrible about it, wished he could be the provider, and would help me any way he could. But you know what? I couldn’t have cared less about having to cover that stuff because I absolutely loved him to death. He was home to me and that was all I needed and all of the struggles were worth it just because I was so happy to be with him for who he was. It wouldn’t have mattered to me if our struggle went on for years as long as we loved each other and I could get his glorious cuddles. haha…. I’m sure you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about and I’m pointing this out because…. I think you should stop being so hard on yourself for how you feel because it’s likely you would’ve felt this way eventually no matter what, contact from the ex or no contact, struggles or no struggles…. for the right person, you will do almost anything.

     

    Aside from that, I hope she can get her son into counseling soon. There are lots of techniques to deal with anger. Bbipolar is only if he has manic phases and depressive phases, not really so much anger… but there is something there that is causing the anger and that’s where counseling would be a HUGE help.

    How about this…. when you remove the financial circumstances and your feelings for your ex… how is your actual compatibility with your girlfriend? You’ve said before that you don’t like her drinking, her kids don’t act the greatest, and when you guys are in high-stress situations (which ALL couples will be in from time to time, no way to avoid that), you guys fight constantly. Then there’s your different attitudes towards money and your girlfriend’s codependency. Those are all negative things that have nothing to do with your ex or your girlfriend’s financial situation, so they would be there either way, no matter what. Do you have enough other big things in common that would counteract those negatives? Or do the negatives outweigh the positives? If the negatives outweigh the positives, you would’ve ended up feeling this way either way… it might’ve taken longer and the path to your current feelings might’ve been different, but the end result would be the same.  If you weigh the compatibility and you think you WOULD be compatible if the financial situation got better, then who knows.

    #279361

    John
    Participant

    How about this…. when you remove the financial circumstances and your feelings for your ex… how is your actual compatibility with your girlfriend? You’ve said before that you don’t like her drinking, her kids don’t act the greatest, and when you guys are in high-stress situations (which ALL couples will be in from time to time, no way to avoid that), you guys fight constantly. Then there’s your different attitudes towards money and your girlfriend’s codependency. Those are all negative things that have nothing to do with your ex or your girlfriend’s financial situation, so they would be there either way, no matter what. Do you have enough other big things in common that would counteract those negatives? Or do the negatives outweigh the positives? If the negatives outweigh the positives, you would’ve ended up feeling this way either way… it might’ve taken longer and the path to your current feelings might’ve been different, but the end result would be the same.  If you weigh the compatibility and you think you WOULD be compatible if the financial situation got better, then who knows.

    When it’s just me and my girlfriend, no money issues or kid issues.  We do get along great.  We have fun together.  Her drinking did bother me, but she has gotten a lot better bout that.  I do feel like there are little things that do bother me though.  I don’t know if it’s just because of all of the other issues right now and those just add to it or if we are just not compatible.  As far as big things in common.  We don’t have a lot.  I think a huge problem i do have is that i subconsciously compare her to my ex.  With the little things.  I could easily list 50 things off the top of my head right now that I absolutely loved about my ex(in fact my ex’s and mine valentines day -only 3 months after we met- I had a custom valentines day card made that listed 50 things I loved about her.), whereas with my current girlfriend, it would be hard to come up with a dozen.  Sometimes I feel like i have more things that i dislike than more that I do like.

    I don’t know how i put myself in this position.  I feel horrible about it everyday.  I just don’t know how to handle it right now though.  I know you say “rip off the bandaid”.  But she is in no position for that.  If she was supporting herself and her kids and had the resources to move out on her own, it would be a lot easier.  I have this incredible guilt and because of that I feel like I need to support her and her kids until she can make it.

    I have so many mixed feelings and emotions every day.  Like i’ve said.  I should have never started dating again.  It was irresponsible and reckless of me to do.  Now i’ve put other peoples lives in the mix of being hurt and more.

    I feel like every day I have guilt, pain, and remorse from my past relationship and this one.  I am trying my best to be positive and push through though.

    #279371

    Valora
    Participant

    When it’s just me and my girlfriend, no money issues or kid issues.  We do get along great.  We have fun together.

    The thing is, I’m not talking about just getting along well, though. For example, I get a long great with all of my guy friends. We’re all easy going and I have a great time when I hang out with any of them… but that doesn’t mean we’re compatible in a romantic relationship.

    As far as big things in common.  We don’t have a lot.  I think a huge problem i do have is that i subconsciously compare her to my ex.  With the little things.

    By big things, I really just mean the things that truly matter to you in a relationship. Things that are a big deal (which often times ARE the little things). Like if she felt like home and safety when you hugged her, that’s a little thing but a big deal, you know what I mean? Having a bunch of random things in common that you like to do together would be another. Feeling a magnetic pull toward her or just always enjoying her company no matter what and wanting her around is another big deal. Things like that. There would have to be some pretty great and noticeable things to combat some of those negatives, and when the negatives outweigh the positives, that means you aren’t compatible and you would’ve eventually felt the way you’re currently feeling either way, no matter the circumstances, financial issues or not, ex involvement or not.

    With my current girlfriend, it would be hard to come up with a dozen.  Sometimes I feel like i have more things that i dislike than more that I do like.

    This alone speaks volumes. Even if you WEREN’T comparing with your ex… if you took your ex and your thoughts of her completely out of the equation….  the fact that you would have a hard time thinking of even 20 things you love about your girlfriend is another big negative when it comes to compatibility. And again, I’m just pointing this stuff out to hopefully get you to stop beating yourself up about not feeling the way about your girlfriend that you do about your ex… no matter the situation, when it comes down to it, it’s likely that you were romantically compatible with your ex… and are not with your girlfriend (although you guys may be compatible as friends). And that’s okay.

     

    I don’t know how i put myself in this position.  I feel horrible about it everyday.  I just don’t know how to handle it right now though.  I know you say “rip off the bandaid”.  But she is in no position for that.  If she was supporting herself and her kids and had the resources to move out on her own, it would be a lot easier.  I have this incredible guilt and because of that I feel like I need to support her and her kids until she can make it.

    Yeah, I don’t think you should kick her out right now or anything given that she’s not in a position to survive on her own, but I do think it’d be a good idea to let her know how you’re feeling. Especially if she’s expecting you will deepen your feelings for her. If she keeps thinking that way, she’s going to be blindsided when you do eventually break up with her, and we both know how that feels. If she knows that you are not seeing your relationship lasting in the long term, I’m sure she will also work harder toward finding other resources to be able to move out. That conversation doesn’t mean she has to leave right away, but she does need to start actively making moves.

     

    I have so many mixed feelings and emotions every day.  Like i’ve said.  I should have never started dating again.  It was irresponsible and reckless of me to do.  Now i’ve put other peoples lives in the mix of being hurt and more.

    I feel like every day I have guilt, pain, and remorse from my past relationship and this one.  I am trying my best to be positive and push through though.

    You cannot change the past. You did what you did because you felt you were doing the right thing at the time. You’ve learned since that it was not the best choice, and that’s okay. Forgive yourself for being human. You didn’t know what you didn’t know. Learn the lesson from it so it doesn’t ever happen again. That’s really all you can do. Accept that what happened, happened; accept that it can’t be changed, and let that stuff go.

    I like to think of it as like untangling Christmas lights. I’ve made some choices in the past, too, that sort of tangled up my life in the present, and I am now working on undoing those tangles. Wishing I would’ve been more careful or done things differently so the lights wouldn’t have tangled in the first place doesn’t help me untangle the lights. The only thing that will get them untangled is to actively take steps to untangle them.

    Then… once you finally untangle a string of lights… if you’re smart, you learn to do things more carefully in the future so you don’t have to untangle them again… and the lights stay tangle-free. Does that make sense?   Right now, you’re just undoing the tangles.

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 2 weeks ago by  Valora.
    #279849

    John
    Participant

    By big things, I really just mean the things that truly matter to you in a relationship. Things that are a big deal (which often times ARE the little things). Like if she felt like home and safety when you hugged her, that’s a little thing but a big deal, you know what I mean? Having a bunch of random things in common that you like to do together would be another. Feeling a magnetic pull toward her or just always enjoying her company no matter what and wanting her around is another big deal. Things like that. There would have to be some pretty great and noticeable things to combat some of those negatives, and when the negatives outweigh the positives, that means you aren’t compatible and you would’ve eventually felt the way you’re currently feeling either way, no matter the circumstances, financial issues or not, ex involvement or not.

     

    WOW!  you described exactly how i felt about my ex.  I think I’ve been longing for that so bad that i’ve been trying to “make it happen” with my girlfriend.  I kept on thinking “we just need to get past this” then there is another thing and another and another…  for example:  i thought once she moved in things would be better cause we would get to see each other more, then it was getting her caught up on bills.  Once that was done, then it was her work schedule, now that has changed and she can’t afford her own bills again so now it is waiting for her to get a better paying job, and i’ve always felt some irritancy with her kids.  It’s like every day is the same crap.  I know my girls aren’t angles, but they do listen.  They don’t argue and fight back with me.  And her kids at their age shouldn’t be doing that.  Back to my point.  It does feel like i’m always thinking “once we get past this”  and once that happens there is something else.

    I think if I was really in love.  In love like I was before.  None of this would bother me.  I would figure out a way to make the best of it, to be happy.

    I do hate that I feel so messed up.  It’s almost like I have some kind of resentment now with my girlfriend.  I think I really thought that she would move in, things would be better cause we could see each other, money would be better for both of us, so we could afford to do things together, everything.  Instead it feels like i’m poorer than before, I’m tied down to my house all the time, god forbid if i want to spend some time alone with just my girls are take just them away for the day.  To top it all off, my girlfriend now has severe jealousy and insecurity issues.  I feel horrible about that.  That is my fault.  For me staying in contact with my ex and hiding it.  Now my girlfriend is snooping on my phones and such.  Any time i get a text or two.  “who is that” or just a sigh.  I show her or tell her every text i get.  It is starting to get very frustrating though.  example:  Last night I got in the shower and left both my phones in the bedroom with her.  I got out of the shower and she said “your phone went off”   ” it was some game notification or something, like you haven’t played in awhile”  and then she said ” are you listening to love songs?”

    So not only did she look when my phone made an alert, but she continued to snoop through it to see what i was on recently, ect… (the game is for my girls BTW).

    This is getting so old.  I want my privacy.  I do keep journals on my phone, i locked them in my notes though so she can not read them.  I can’t change my passwords to get into my phone because then she will think I’m hiding something.

    I know I created this insecurity and jealousy with my actions.  I feel absolute horrible about it all.  But I can’t live like this either.

    We are supposed to go away for the weekend this weekend.  So I am going to make the best of it.  If nothing changes with how I am feeling or when it’s just her and me.  Then I will be talking to her towards the end of the month.  I really would like for her to get a better job first.  Speaking of, the “great job” we’ve been waiting on finally contacted her.  Sound like they are going to hire her.  She is waiting for a date for second interview.  The problem is their starting wage is from $12.24 to $17.00 per hour.  So we were thinking they would offer her around $14/hour.  Which is something that she could survive on.  Instead they only offered her $12.25/hour.  F%$&!!!  I told her when she has her second interview, she needs to bargain with them and try to get a better wage, considering her experience and everything.  We will see how it goes.  OH and it went from a Mon-Fri job to weekends for a while…  I DON”T WANT TO BE HER BABYSITTER.  I think that’s one of the bigger things why we decided for her to leave her previous job.  If it’s back to that, then why even leave the other one, at least with that one she made decent money.

    All this said, I do know it’s not my fault that she doesn’t have a career and is struggling with employment.  Those were her life choices.  I do know if she wouldn’t of been with me she wouldn’t of lasted at her previous job, because there was no body that would have watched her kids that much.  I just feel bad…

    I do really think that by the end of this month, i am going to have a talk with her.   I really don’t even know how to begin or what.  I know she is going to be crushed…  and her kids…

    I can’t keep this up though.

    It doesn’t help that i’m now having dreams at night about my ex either.  I do still miss her.  That really throws a wrench in the mix.  I think it’s like you’ve said.  I need to meet the right woman, a woman that gives me what i need and those feelings again in order to fully forget and be over my ex.

    gotta go to work.  thanks

    #279853

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, those feelings that I described and that you felt with your ex are either there or they aren’t. They aren’t just something that develops in the absence of troubles like I think you were hoping they would with your girlfriend. Instead, they are inherent and intuitive, it’s just a special type of connection that you would feel IN SPITE of all of the other troubles.  Even aside from that, couples can be compatible with lots of other things, but you and your girlfriend have so many current INcompatibilities (like her kids and all of the troubles that are result of her financial irresponsibility, for example) that it would really take some big, special-connection compatibilities to make up for it, just like you said… if you had felt that intense love connection, all of this stuff would most likely bother you less or you’d at least be happier in general because you’d have that intense love feeling. So that’s basically what I was getting at there.

    It sounds like your expectations of what would happen kind of got the best of you, but that’s the biggest problem with expectations… they aren’t always right. Those are the things that often let us down. Try to forgive both of you, though, for not knowing what would really happen when you made all of these different moves that you thought at the time would help.

    That’s awful about her pay. I would have her see how soon they increase the pay, too. Also, has she looked into consolidation loans at all? Sometimes you can get enough to put everything together and lower interest plus a little extra that would give her enough for like two months rent on an apartment.

    Waiting until the end of the month sounds like a good plan, too. She should have her taxes back by then too, right? In the meantime, though, I would have a talk with her about boundaries right away. I get where her insecurity is coming from, but it’s misplaced right now because your ex flat-out told her she was “done” and you haven’t heard from your ex since. You aren’t having an affair behind your girlfriend’s back and you have every right to your privacy either way. So I would just let her know that her behavior with that is driving a wedge between you two and you won’t stand for it. She either has to give you some trust or you need to part ways right then and there.

    And yes, I absolutely, 100% think you’ll forget about your ex once you find a woman who meets your needs. For sure. Especially if she’s a mature and responsible woman. Quite frankly, that’d be even better than your ex has been!

    #280205

    John
    Participant

    Thanks again Valora.

    So Tuesday, we took a road trip.  I had to pick up my transmission for my car it was rebuilt.  The shop was almost 3 hours away.    Of coarse it was the same direction that my ex lived, in fact we drove right past her town.  That was a little awkward.  Had my mind spinning.   It was just me and my girlfriend.  I thought it would be a nice trip for just the two of us with no kids.  So my oldest daughter (24) watched her kids for us.

    But yeah….  it was about 30 minutes into the trip when my girlfriend realized we would be driving past my ex’s town.   So that came up.  But it passed fairly easy, until we passed her town and got a little further down the freeway, there was a sign for a drive thru zoo type place.  It’s really fun for the kids.  My girlfriend asked me if i had been there.  She thought it would be fun to go and take the kiddos.  I said yes, then she said “of coarse you did..  Is there anything you didn’t do with ‘Her’ ?”    Then she said, ” I’ll just take my kids there, me and them”.

    It’s like I feel guilty because with my ex, I had a life.  I did things with and without my girls on a regular basis.  Am i supposed to apologize for that?  It’s not my fault that she is in the position she is in and that nobody ever wants to help her with watching her kids.  It is pretty funny that my daughter has watched her children more than her family combined has in the last year.  I realized something the other night also.  My girlfriend is always negative.  well not always, but anytime someone does something or gets something, she is just “must be nice” or she gets kind of pissy or negative.  It’s not their fault that they made better life choices than she did.  Why should she be pissed at them?

    Like her kids for example.  her parents told her they are done watching her son until he doesn’t act out anymore.  So my girlfriend gets all butthurt when her parents watch her brother or sisters kids.  Well, they listen and behave.  They are fun to watch, not something that you’re just waiting for the shitshow to happen.  Or her brother just bought a new truck.  She was all “Must be nice” all bitter sounding.  Well he has a great job he has been working hard at for a long time.  He made the right decisions and now he can afford that shit.    So good for him.

    I want to tell her so bad that maybe if she didn’t bitch and moan and whine about everything all the time to her family and shit, that maybe they would be willing to help her out more.  She doesn’t see it though.  There are times, when she just should keep her opinion to herself and she doesn’t.

    WHOA!  I got way off subject here!   guess i needed to rant a little.  LOL.  Back to what i was originally talking about.

    So My girlfriend and I did the road trip, things got way better once we pasted that zoo place.  I do have to say though that my mind was going stupid until we passed it because i haven’t made that drive since i last was with my ex.

    We picked up my tranny, then went to dinner and had some fun, then on the way back we stopped at a casino and played for and hour or two.  It was fun also.

    So we get home, everything is good,  She was in a good mood and so was I .  Felt like when we first met.  Then we get home….

    I guess my oldest daughter was letting all the girls hold my grandson. When my girls were holding him they were able to bounce him and play with him, then when my girlfriends daughter held him, supposedly my daughter told her to hold still and not mess around.

    that really bothered my girlfriend.  We didn’t find that out until after my daughter left the house.  So then it was a big thing.  Why aren’t we good enough?  I told her maybe it’s because my girls are all blood related or maybe my oldest has been around my little ones with my grandson more and trusts them more.  There could be a million reasons.  But it came back to my girlfriend and her kids not being good enough.  She even said, my ex-wife isn’t blood with my oldest so why is she closer with her?  Well she has known my ex-wife since she was 4 years old and she helped me raise her on my weekends and went through all the drama i had to deal with my daughters mother.  She became like a mother to her, in fact she calls her mom.

    It’s like my girlfriend finds something in anything or nothing to make a big deal about.  Every day it becomes more and more clearer for me that this just isn’t going to work.  I need to tell her, however I don’t want to make things harder for her just yet.  I don’t want to blindsight her either though.  I need to be delicate and make sure things are going better for her first.  I feel like i’m in a very delicate spot now…

    #280335

    Valora
    Participant

    Haha… I totally get what you mean by how you felt making that drive. I haven’t driven through my ex’s town either since we broke up and I almost had to drive through and right past his house to take my daughter to a swim meet and my mind was going nuts over it. I was just all kinds of anxious and it didn’t even make any sense. haha. We ended up having a snowstorm that day though so the meet was cancelled. Made me realize how hard I’ve been avoiding anything to do with him though.

     

    Anyway, yeah, you definitely, definitely at the very least need to have a talk with her about boundaries and her attitude ASAP, even if you don’t break up with her right then…. and if she fights you over that, it’s very good reason to break up with her right then and have her start working toward moving out faster. She needs to understand that what she is doing and how she is responding to everything is pushing you further away. She is responding in really petty ways and her jealousy is basically out of control with that “I’ll just take my kids there, me and them.”  You can’t change that you visited a place in the past (before you even met your girlfriend!) with your ex, so it’s a silly thing to even get upset about, but it shows you where her head is at.

    The other thing is… you’re not trying to keep her or win her back, so you have absolutely no reason to put up with how she’s acting and her behavior is going to produce the exact opposite result that she wants, and she neeeeeds to understand that. There’s absolutely no way for you two to even have a hope of a healthy relationship with her acting like that. So, at the very least, even when you do break up, having this conversation about her behavior will hopefully help her learn a lesson that will be beneficial for her future relationships. A breakup might be good for your girlfriend if it spurs her to change, like breakups do with so many people.  I personally have a much, much better mindset and better priorities than I did 2 years ago because I got a kick in my butt to change my situation and how I was thinking. Sounds like your girlfriend could use the same thing.  She definitely needs to get out of victim mode, like life’s just handing her lemons. Meanwhile, she’s the one growing the lemon trees.

    #280357

    John
    Participant

    Well we are taking a weekend trip away this weekend.  I am really curious to see how it goes.  If i feel like i’m just there with a friend or if I do enjoy her and being with her alone without kids or distractions.  I think that will be the final factor in my decision.  And if i do decide to end it, i will tell her that is has been something i’ve been battling in my mind, trying to figure out if it’s just feelings because of our situation or feelings that i just don’t have for her and that (if this trip doesn’t spark any feelings in me) this last trip, i realized I love her, but I’m not happy.  That I feel like there is always something there or more that will cause me and her to feel unhappy in our relationship.  That maybe I caused too much damage because of my on and off contact with my ex. and that i feel that she will never be able to trust me like she should(which is my fault for doing what i did).  And that i can’t live with that or live with any time i get on my phone or get a notification that i feel guilty and she feels insecure.

    Let alone the issues with the kids and our freedom.

    If you don’t mind, if i do do this, I think i will figure out what i’m going to say exactly and run it by you before I talk to her.  I want to try to be as delicate as I can, but yet firm and decided.  so she knows that it is done and we both need to move on.

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