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I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months ago.

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  • #280527

    Valora
    Participant

    I responded to this but apparently it didn’t post, so I’ll try to rewrite what I said. haha

    I don’t mind at all if you run what you want to say by me first. If I were you, I’d probably not go into too much detail with what you say though. I wouldn’t mention your ex at all and make it more about how you feel you aren’t romantically compatible and that you two just aren’t a match for each other.  Those are pretty concrete things that aren’t anyone’s fault but also can’t really changed. You’re either right for each other or you’re not. Keep it simple and then honestly answer any questions she has.

    #280657

    John
    Participant

    Thanks, I will.

    So we had a pretty good weekend.  It really opened my eyes a bit.  I really think that a lot of my issue is the fact that she has kids full time all the time, and that they are both kind of needy kids.  Not trying to be mean or a D%$K.  Just saying i’m so used to my kids only every other week and then when I do have them they are pretty quiet most of the time and aren’t really  needy.  Whereas her kids.  Well the moment we picked them up yesterday was such a mood changer.  for her and myself.  they were loud and would bicker and just ugh….   Even my girlfriend said, I wish they could just be quiet for 10 minutes!  It’s just crazy the difference between her kids and mine.  I hate saying this about them.  I feel awful, because they are sweet kids and just need to be loved.  but I also really  believe a lot of how I am feeling is because we rarely get breaks from her kids.  In fact this is only the second time her and I have had two nights together without her kids in a year and a month.

    So did forget to tell you something last week.  I think she does know that something is going on with me and how I’m feeling.  Before this weekend there was a night she asked me “what are we doing”  (we got into a fight earlier that night).  I just told her “living”  I said “this is it” and that i learned that life is about struggling and just work/clean/sleep/pay bills.  pretty much. I was kind of insensitive about it.  I didn’t mean to be, but when we fight, i can only take so much before i lose it.  I’ve told her that before, that i need to cool off and she keeps pushing sometimes.  Anyways.  I think she knows I’m not all sappy “in love” with her. She’s even said, ” I can’t wait until your in love with me like you were ‘her’.  I want you to get butterflies any time you here from me”  That breaks my heart.   I honestly wish I could feel that way.  The entire time I was with my ex, this is what i wanted/needed from her.  Now i have it, but I don’t feel the same.  It is very crazy how the universe works though.  Me dealing with this and my feelings just makes me realize or wonder if this is what my ex went through with me.  If she really never loved me like i did her.  She did love me a lot, I know that.  And was truly in love with me.  Or if she was truly in love, but because of how I acted and she couldn’t express how she felt because of guilt, it changed everything.  Kind of the way I feel now.  I really think with all the crap that came down in her life and me keeping pushing for attention like a child instead of backing off and just being there for her.   It became something that didn’t bother  her, then started bothering her once in a while, then it became a thing where it bothered her non-stop.  And the more that it did, the more she backed away and the more I pushed.  Causing the end which happened.

    The only reason I’m saying this is because I really think it helps me understand a little more about what happened.  In fact I think my ex still does love me, but still has all that resentment or something in the way that she can’t let go of.

    Back to my girlfriend though.  I think that’s  how I feel.  I do love her.  I know that.  Like this weekend.   It was great.  we had a really good time.  However when we got home, it felt like a downer.  I shouldn’t feel that way, i don’t think.  Maybe it’s just me and my clouded judgement from my previous relationship.  I don’t know.  I think it is what you are all saying.  She isn’t right for me or she can’t give me what i really need and want in a relationship right now.

    I can’t help but feel so guilty and bad for everything.  I do need to talk to her and see what we can do to fix this, if we can fix it.

    I know it doesn’t help that every single day i still think about my ex.  That drives me insane.  I hate it so much.  I do let thoughts come and go.  Nothing like before.  however like this weekend.  When we got there, I immediately thought about when i took an overnight trip there with my ex only 1-1/2 months after we met.  The thoughts did not last long, but they were there.

    This is so hard.  I really need to talk to my girlfriend, but I don’t know how to without it becoming a huge mess.  I know she would do absolutely anything for me, which also breaks my heart.  She is one of the kindest, most loving women I’ve ever known.  She deserves happiness and to be loved like she should.  OMG!  That is almost exactly what my ex said to me!  Man, this is really screwing with my mind and heart.

    I need to sign off for now.  I will be back tomorrow.   I’m going to try to figure out what and how to say what I need to say.

    Thanks for all you support.

    #280687

    Valora
    Participant

    I’m glad you guys had a good weekend! You’re right, though. If you can’t make things work in “real life,” then that means she isn’t right for you. You can always try though but she is going to have to get a handle on her kids. Big time. Like real tough love big changes, not allowing them to act the way they do, getting them any sort of help they need for any behavior issues, that kind of thing. Or you will both be miserable.

    If you think about it though… when you take away the pressures of real life and go have a fun weekend, you can have fun with literally almost anyone that you get along with. That’s why everything feels so great when people first start dating, whether they’re dating the right person for them or not. They’re just off having fun adventures together. It’s how you feel and how you react together during the real life pressures that matters because that is what is happening the majority of the time.

    As for your ex, it’s also possible that she’d been acting so weird because of cognitive dissonance. She made a decision and she’s trying to find reasons why she should stick with that decision even if/when she feels differently. I wonder if that’s what’s going on with my ex sometimes too when he’ll message me to tell me something and then just stop talking in the middle of a conversation.

    I hope you’re able to gain some more clarity on things, and talking with your girlfriend would be a good idea, even if it’s just to stress that there need to be some BIG changes made right away or you two will not work for much longer. You should set your boundaries there and stick to them. After that, it will be up to her to make those changes and they will be beneficial to her either way, too… and if she can’t make those changes or if it still doesn’t feel right, it’d be a good idea to just break up so you each can find your match.

    • This reply was modified 6 months ago by  Valora.
    #281067

    John
    Participant

    If you think about it though… when you take away the pressures of real life and go have a fun weekend, you can have fun with literally almost anyone that you get along with. That’s why everything feels so great when people first start dating, whether they’re dating the right person for them or not. They’re just off having fun adventures together. It’s how you feel and how you react together during the real life pressures that matters because that is what is happening the majority of the time.

     

    This is true, but when one gets home from a trip or vacation when you get home you’re not supposed to feel like you are coming home to a prison. Home should be home.  Any other times i’ve gone on trips or anything, when I got home it was relaxing.  It feels like when i go home I’m going to a stressful environment.  It’s not like that 100% of the time, but most of the time.

    So last night my 12 year old wanted to talk again.  She really hit hard.  She told me that we don’t feel like a family.  That she doesn’t like coming over or being there because she doesn’t feel like she knows me anymore.  This had nothing to do with my girlfriend or her kids this time.  She told me she has felt this way for a long time.  That I don’t listen to her, and that i put others  in front of her (in so many words).  WOW!  This really opened up my eyes.  Talk about feeling like a bad father.  She was crying, i was teary eyed.  My 12 year old shouldn’t be feeling like she has to talk to me about this kind of stuff.  She should be a kid!  She even said, sometimes she feels like the grown up.  She said she loves my girlfriend and her kids more than the world.  This all had to do with me.  She said that since my ex left, I have been different.  I told her that I was sorry and she was right.  I did change.  I told her I don’t expect her to understand, that I don’t fully understand myself.  I told her that when my ex left.  It hurt me deeply and it felt like she took the best part of me with her.  That I am working on bettering myself and that I can’t fix this overnight, it will take time.  I told her that i need her to write me a list of 20 things that she likes to do.  Anything from riding quads to as simple as snuggling together just watching a tv show with her daddy or going for a walk.  So we can start doing things together.  I realized last night, that I don’t know her anymore either.

    The reason I told you this is because in my journey to learn about myself and better myself.  I guess i’ve never really understood or believed what some people have told me before.  That a lot of the time, I do think about myself.  Not in a purposeful way, just that I have so much unresolved feelings and conflict in myself that I do get stuck in the past sometimes and only think about what I need.  That in my journey i have been so focused on myself that i have neglected my daughters where it counts the most.  It really made my think about everything.  About how I behave when things go bad.  I hate bringing this up, but yes I will.  It made me think about why my ex did leave me.  She told me after she left that it was “all about me”.  I thought, bullshit.  all i have done is try to be there and help and listen.  When in fact she is right.  When things were great, i was great.  When things started to get bumpy in her life and she couldn’t give me the attention she had done before because of other things in her life needing it.  I did get selfish and “poopy”.  Instead of seeing what she needed from me, I only saw what I needed and only thought about my self, not what she really needed at that time.  I realized I have done the same thing with my girlfriend now and most importantly with my daughters ever since my ex or even before my ex and I officially broke up.  I’ve always thought I was doing good and providing.  But last night, I realized it’s not about just providing.  It’s being there in the little ways.  In any relationship.  Father daughter, Man and girlfriend, whatever. I really need to figure out my shit.

    One other  thing my daughter said is that when we are alone or away from the house, I act like I used to.  The dad that she did know, and as soon as we get home I change.

    Well Everything is coming to a head for me.  I think after this weekend I am going to talk to my girlfriend.  Because when i told  her this last night, at first she got upset, like my daughter is just over exaggerating and such to get attention.  So what if she is!  That means that she is reaching out to me.  She has never reached out like this before, so something  is wrong and I need to address it before it gets worse.

    Side note, my girlfriend got that job, for a whopping $12.63 per hour.  supposedly after 3 months she is eligible for a raise though.  She starts march 6th or something like that.

    So back to my talk.  I’m thinking of telling her that I have been feeling a lot of guilt lately.  That I feel like because of me, she lost her place to live for cheap, had to relocate her family, lost her immediate help with her family, and with her last job where she was making good money, lost that because I was having a hard time being able to raise all the kids on my own 5 nights a week.  That I feel like I don’t give her what she needs.  Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m not in a place within myself to.

    That I have done wrong things to her by talking to my ex repeatedly after I told her I wasn’t, and that has caused a lot of guilt in me and jealously and questions with her(my girlfriend).  That I understand that when my phone gives me an alert that it will raise a question in her, but for this to work.  I need her to trust me.  Not question me.  And give me my privacy.  This means not snooping on my things.  As partners we are supposed to share everything, but we also  need privacy as well.  And that there are times when I don’t need to hear an opinion or anything, that maybe I just need to talk or vent.  And that I do the same thing with her sometimes, and I need to work on that myself.  That I need to focus on myself and learning who I am again and being the man and father I once was again.  Instead of just being a ghost in the house that just provides a roof and food.  That I do need  time with just me and my girls, whatever it is we are doing without judgement from her(my girlfriend).  That i’m afraid to plan any time with my daughters because i’m just going to get the third degree about it and how my daughter is just taking advantage of the situation.  And foremost, I need to stop hearing about my daughters mother and her partner and how everything is “great” over there with the kids, but why isn’t she(my girlfriend) excepted that way.

    side note.  My girlfriend was all butt hurt about something the other day with my oldest and my grandson.  She said “I’m just as much as a mother as your ex-wife was”  Why does she call her mom?  Got really jealous and pissed because my oldest is closer and treats my ex-wife differently.  That really bothered me.  My ex-wife has known my 24 yr old daughter since she has been 4 years old and went through all the heart ache and heart break with me and her.  My oldest daughters mother was one of those mothers that made it impossible for me to see my daughter on my weekends.  Long story short, throughout my daughters life until she was 17, i never knew if i was going to see her or not.  Even her mothers parents didn’t understand.  My ex-wife was there for me and her through all of this and they became very close because of it.  Enough so that my daughter calls my ex-wife mom as well.

    My girlfriend thinks “I’ve been in your life for a year, so should be just as close or whatever”   That really bothers me.

    I don’t know how to say or approach a lot of issues I am having without her getting defensive or hurt.  I do want to tell her that sometimes, I think we would be better off apart.  At least for now.  But how do i say that?  How do i bring that up?  She doesn’t make enough to live on her own and I don’t think she really has anywhere to go.  Her parents do have two spare rooms, however that hasn’t worked in the past and they have a hard time with her son, even when we just visit for a bit.

     

    I really think what’s messed up about all of this, but also brings  a lot to light, is that I think my ex was dealing with a lot of the same or similar emotions with me in the end, and just didn’t know how to tell me without hurting me.  Kind of the same deal as me and my girlfriend now.  This is very ironic and crazy too me.  And enlightening in  a weird way.  just bizarre.

    Well, i hate to cut off, but i have to go.  i will continue tomorrow…

    #281149

    John
    Participant

    sorry, didn’t meant to quote the last paragraph…

    Last night was good and bad.  So i decided to make dinner with my daughter like my girlfriend suggested.  When my daughter got home, she came out to the shop with me and hung out for a bit until my girlfriend got home.  Then we went to the st0re for dinner food.  So, this is when it started….  My girlfriend likes to feed her kids at 5:30 and have them in bed by 7:00.  I’ve never done that with mine, the earliest we’ve ever ate is 6:30 and in bed by 8:00-9:00.  So….  My girlfriend didn’t get home until 4:30 or so because she had to take her daughter to the doctor.  So  my daughter and I didn’t leave the house until 4:45, then we didn’t make it home until almost 6:00 from the store.  We made dinner together which was fun, but didn’t have dinner on the table  until 7.  My girlfriend was a little irritated because it was so late, but she got over it.

    after dinner, my girlfriend and I went out for a smoke, and she was telling me how she’s always been super anal about keeping the kitchen clean, especially right after dinner.  Well my daughter and i rinsed and put dishes in the dishwasher as we were cooking, then after we ate we all watched the end of a movie.  I had planned on cleaning the rest of the kitchen with my daughter when the movie was over.  Instead my girlfriend cleaned it all up instead of watching the rest of the movie with us, then she got all pissed off at us/me because we didn’t do it.  She was pissed because i was with my kids!  Her son was in there with us too!  She was the one that decided not to join us and go crazy in the kitchen.  She was livid pissed off too.  I almost told her last night, maybe we aren’t compatible, maybe we aren’t supposed to be together.  But I bit my tongue because I don’t want to rock the boat too bad until she starts working this new job.  OH, she even said this in spite “maybe on the weeks you have your girls, you can be with them and I will be with my kids, then on your off weeks you can be with us”  WTH!  She is behaving so irrationally and like a child, it is ridiculous.  She brought up my ex-wife and her partner again last night.   She definitely has some serious issues to deal with.

    It sucks because i would love it if it would work out, but I can’t live like this.  Constant questioning, tip toeing around because I didn’t do this or that or my kids don’t act the way they should with her or what ever.   I’m definitely going to say something.  Timing is everything, i know that.  But I need to say something soon, because if not I am the type that will just loose my shit and tell her to leave.  I don’t want it to be like that.  I want her to understand and be able to work with her situation.

    I feel so shitty an selfish.  At the same time, everything that went down with my ex and I is becoming more and more clearer.  If I was acting this way or similar when she was dealing with her kids…  WOW!  No wonder she left me.

    #281183

    Valora
    Participant

    Wow! I think it really says something, too, that your daughter noticed that you’re more yourself when it’s just you and her and away from the house. Living in that situation is not helping you in any way, no matter how much easier it would be on your girlfriend if you could live together. Your home should be the place where you feel the MOST comfortable.

    I also think it’s great that your daughter felt comfortable enough to come talk to you about how she was feeling and that you listened well, took her seriously, and gained insight from what she said. That’s a really good thing. It was BAD on your girlfriend’s part to try to say she is overexaggerating and just wants attention. I am so glad you didn’t agree. It’s hard for kids to talk to their parents about issues like that because they don’t want to hurt or disappoint their parent, so it is so good that you reacted to her the way you did and then took active steps to help improve the situation and that will really show your daughter how much you care.

    I think that once you get out of this situation, if you take the time to focus on your relationship with your kids, really focusing on the love and attention you give to them and get from them, as well as fix any issues you feel like you want to improve about yourself, it will work wonders on how you’re feeling… and as a bonus, that kind of love and attention from a parent will really help to set them up to have good relationships in the future with other people.

    I also don’t think you need to kick your girlfriend out the minute you say something, but she needs to know how you’re feeling so it will hopefully kick her into gear on finding a place to live and she won’t be expecting to just keep on living with you. And she may not like being at her mother’s, but if her mother has got extra rooms, that means your girlfriend DOES have a place to go, and being at a place that she doesn’t want to be living will likely spur her to work harder to get out of there.

    I know you’re feeling very guilty, but remember that your girlfriend has also been playing a big role in why this relationship isn’t working out.

    Your situation oddly gives me insight into my own, as well. I think clarity helps, too, when it comes to feeling better and letting go because it helps you to understand what really happened and that maybe it really was necessary at the time. I just know that if you want a true love to come into your life, you have to deal with your issues first and then make room for it. Without the space, it won’t come. Dating the wrong person takes up that space.

    #281655

    John
    Participant

    Well, we took a day trip yesterday with all of the kids to go play in the snow.  We didn’t have boots that fit her daughter anymore, and could’t find any, of coarse her daughter didn’t want to were her moms boots, cause they were too big, and then there was glove issues.  no gloves fit right or she didn’t like them.  So basically, my 8 yr old daughter gave her 9 year old daughter her boots and gloves and my 8 yr old wore rubber rain boots and shitty gloves and was all good about it and didn’t complain, she just wanted to have fun.  She did get cold but she toughed it out.

    Meanwhile her daughter was being a premadona princess the whole time.  Then once we got to the snow her son acted up,  I don’t know what triggered him this time, but he got very upset and violent.  A few times.  Her kids pretty much ruined the day.  I hate saying this and don’t feel comfortable, but it’s true.  She (my girlfriend) even said.  “next time, i will find a sitter for my kids, or me and them just wont go”  She was in tears before we even left the mountain and cried most of the way home and last night.  She had me stop at the liquor store for her cause she was out of booze.  She got a pint of fireball also.  when we got home she started swigging on that pretty good as well.

    I really need to talk to her.  This sucks.  It would be so much easier if she had her shit together though.   I know I need to end this, because she brings up things about the future, and all i can think is that there is no future, that i don’t want this anymore.  What i need and want she can’t give me and what she needs and wants from me, i can’t give to her.  I think I’m going to talk to her sometime this week.  I really don’t know how to start this conversation and what exactly to say.

    I’m thinking of just telling her we need to talk, then telling her that this just isn’t working for me anymore.  That I do love her, however I feel unhappy more than not, I feel like i have to watch what i do or say and that I have ruined her trust in me too much to be repaired.  That i can’t have her question me anytime i get a message or email, and have her bring up feeling like none of my friends or family want her in our lives or  her analyzing everything.  cut and dry, i’m not happy, and I really don’t thing she is either.  I feel like our families just don’t mesh well.  Our lifestyles are too different.   Or something…  I’m really bad at this sort of thing.

    any help in a better way to say things would be greatly appreciated.

    #281683

    Valora
    Participant

    Your girlfriend sounds like she really should get some counseling. She is clearly self-medicating with alcohol when she’s upset rather than handling the issue itself so that it doesn’t keep happening. That’d be the only way she’d get her stuff together… to directly handle all of the issues.

    So, yeah, I still think you’re in the right for wanting to end things. She has played a very large role in your feelings by reacting to things the way she does, and it doesn’t sound like there are any signs of that changing.

    What you’re planning on saying to her sounds good and honest. If she starts trying to say she’ll change and be better (like most people do when they’re being broken up with), I would stress that you just don’t feel that you’re a match for each other and that’s not something that can be changed. Be strong with it and give her closure so she does not hope for reconciliation in the future… even if reconciliation could be possible if she somehow got her stuff together and her kids and her both started acting better, that’s not what’s happening right now and it’s going to take a lot of time, effort and probably some counseling on her part to change things. She also doesn’t give you that “home” feeling you need. So you don’t want to leave that door open for her because it’s not true of your situations right now, and closure helps people to heal more quickly.  I feel that saying you’re not a match and that you don’t think you’re good for each other will help the decision feel concrete to her.

    #281913

    John
    Participant

    Well I’m hoping to get the courage up to talk to her this week.  Yesterday was a doosey.  Everything was good, had a snow day, kids were all playing and having fun.  I came home from work early and we all had a good day, then about 5:00, my 8 year old daughter came inside the house, she looked all sad and poopy.  We asked her whats wrong and she said she just wants to talk to me. We said she can talk to both of us.  She said she “liked it the way it used to be”.  Holy Cow! instant tears from my girlfriend and attitude.  Not towards my daughter, just in general.  I told her that my daughter was just tired, cause she was very tired from playing all day.  I honestly think she was just saying that to get attention.  I’m not dismissing it, i do think she feels some of that, cause she did tell me personally she is tired of all the fighting.  I think she means between my girlfriend and her kids, cause there is a lot of that everyday.

    Well that all hit my girlfriend really hard, and again she started comparing us to others.  SO….  I’m thinking later this week when my girls aren’t home I talk with her.  Tell her that some families are compatible and maybe some aren’t.  That maybe too much damage has been done on my part and overall to come back from.  That we all do love her and her kids, however this is not working out.  Either my kids are upset, her kids are upset or either of us is upset.  That we need to figure out something and maybe she can move in with her mother for awhile, until she can figure out her situation.  That I’m not forcing her out right now or untying but we need a plan.  And most importantly that I will help her in any way and as much as I can to be able to get back on her feet.  This is going to be so hard.  She is so depressed already.  For me it’s almost easier for me to be “trapped” then to hurt her more.  I know that i need to do this.  It’s just so hard.  She loves me so much and I feel like i really have ruined her life… and her kids…  I really do.  I wish I would of never had her move in.

    #281945

    Valora
    Participant

    What you are planning on saying to her sounds good. I do think you should acknowledge her role in this to yourself a little more though. You two not working out in a romantic relationship isn’t all on you. She could’ve been handling her responsibilities this whole time, especially with your added help, but it sounds like she resorts to drinking and basically a “poor me” attitude rather than fixing the problems a lot of the time, and that part is on her. You feeling guilty isn’t going to help either of you, really, and she needs to own up to her own issues and start fixing them, because that’s the only way her life is going to improve, with or without you. You might even be enabling them in a way by putting up with them (and stopping at the liquor store when she wanted a drink), so it might hopefully do her some good for you to separate. Sometimes that’s what it takes to whip a person into shape. I know it worked with me. haha. I’m better off now than I’ve ever been, even though I miss my ex very much. I’ve still improved my life in every other way, and the devastation from the breakup is what started that change.

    So maybe try to reframe it in your mind a little bit and it’ll feel a little less hard for you. Sometimes it takes hurting someone to help them. I think it’s good that you still want to help her get back on her feet as much as you can, though.

    #281995

    John
    Participant

    thanks again for the advice.  Yesterday was another off day. It’s officially my ex-wifes week with my girls, however i have had them since it’s been snowing and no school.  So after the previous night dilemma with what my youngest said, i told my girlfriend, when I get home from work, i will take the girls to their mothers…  Then, my landlord called me and his parents needed some work done at their house. (i’m an electrician).  So basically I got home, ate real quick, took the girls home, and went to his house.  I communicated with my girlfriend about what was going on.  I got finished within an hour, was an easy fix(or so I thought).. Got paid and was almost home when he called me and the problem came up again, so I called my g-friend and told her what happened and I had to go back.  I was gone for a total of 3-4 hours at the very most.  Before I was done, she started blowing up my phone.  “what’s going on”  “why are you being like this”  shit like that.  Then she called, i didn’t answer because I was holding live wires, she called again and I answered.  She was all ” i don’t see why people need you to do this this late with this kind of weather”  Still on a rant.  I told her I was on my way home.  I hauled ass to get home quickly and I stopped and got a six pack on the way home.  A beer sounded good (I only had one beer-just cause I like the taste, not getting drunk or even buzzed-just wanted you to know i’m not being a hypocrite).  So then she was all, you got beer huh?  “usually you call me when you are at the store”  again very suspicious and jealous.

    She has been very depressed and upset lately.  It makes this very difficult.  I want so bad to tell her we need to go separate ways.  But I hate hurting her.  and her kids…  I really am struggling here.

    #282009

    Valora
    Participant

    Okay, let me ask you this…. what do you think it is that is making her depressed and upset? Is it the situation you two are in or something else?

    Also, her jealousy is very clearly out of control at this point. Do you think it’s likely to get worse the more you continue the relationship or do you think talking to her would make her stop being so accusatory or suspicious? Because it definitely doesn’t seem to be getting any better yet. There is no reason she should have been calling you like that when she knew you were working (and it’s VERY common for those in fields like electricians and plummers, etc., to be called out on emergencies. Nobody wants their house to burn down or flood!), especially to the point where you felt like you needed to race home in a snowstorm. So no matter what you decide to do, that behavior has to change. It’s not at all healthy for either of you.

    To me, this relationship as it is seems like it’s very toxic for both of you. If her depression is stemming from her feelings about the current situation, then wouldn’t it make sense that changing that situation would actually help her in the long run, after she gets over the initial pain?

    #282035

    John
    Participant

    Okay, let me ask you this…. what do you think it is that is making her depressed and upset? Is it the situation you two are in or something else?

    I think she is depressed because she feels like it’s not working out.  She feels like “why am I cursed” or something like that.  Between her kids always being little shits, and then mine recently bringing up the fact that they are unhappy.  Then I don’t show her what I should as a boyfriend.  A big problem is her own doing.  She snooped on my phone a while back about a message I wrote to my sister, in confidence.  About how I was feeling and how i felt about my ex (how when we were together, every time she would call, text, or whatever i would get butterflies).  So now she compares her self to her and others for other reasons.  It’s her own fault there.  She shouldn’t of snooped on my phone and read my private thoughts.

    Also, her jealousy is very clearly out of control at this point. Do you think it’s likely to get worse the more you continue the relationship or do you think talking to her would make her stop being so accusatory or suspicious? Because it definitely doesn’t seem to be getting any better yet.

    I really don’t ever see it getting any better.  I think too much damage has been done on my part by still keeping in contact with my ex.  Any time my phone goes off or if I don’t check in or am gone longer than she thinks i should be.. there is questions.  I honestly think she is even jealous of my kids at times..

     

    To me, this relationship as it is seems like it’s very toxic for both of you.

    I agree about this.  I don’t see it getting any better.  I really need to sack up and just tell her how i feel.  That we have gone too far in the wrong direction and that I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.  That I feel like I will always be watching what I’m doing and she will always be jealous or suspicious.  And then there are our kids.  It feels like there is never a time when all of our kids are happy at the same time. Not even for a moment.  As much as I do love her and her kids, there is too much drama and I feel it’s best if we go our own ways before it gets worse and way out of control.  I’m thinking I will try to talk to her this weekend.  The problem is it will probably be a while before she can move out, and I don’t know how uncomfortable things will be until then. This is such a sour pickle it sucks.  She doesn’t even start her new job until march 18th.  And with it she will only get paid once a month.  Then there is her kids.  She will have to transfer them back to their old school.  I feel so bad about all of this.  The guilt is killing me.  Like I said before, it’s almost easier for me to suffer then to put her through this.  I think If we can figure something out for her to move out, I might see about having my kids stay with their mom for a few weeks, and I get them for a day here or there on the weekends until she can leave.  I don’t know though if that would be worse or what?  I’m so lost.  This is so hard with us both having children involved and it is compounded by 1000 with her employment situation.  At least if she was making decent money and could find a place right away it would be different.

    #282055

    Valora
    Participant

    It’s her own fault there.  She shouldn’t of snooped on my phone and read my private thoughts.

    EXACTLY. And from what you’ve said on here, your feelings for your ex weren’t really a secret to your girlfriend to begin with, right? She knew you still loved her and yet chose to stay with you, knowing she was 2nd in your heart. That was her own choice. If it were me, I would’ve left the minute I found out I was second place, and if she had done that, that alone would’ve prevented her from feeling the way she does now.

    She had to switch SCHOOL DISTRICTS to move in with you?  If you are feeling guilty because you feel like this was all somehow your responsibility, I would try to reframe things in your mind. This wasn’t just you. She is a mom, and she really should not have done that in the first place, especially so soon in your relationship. This definitely isn’t your fault, because she could have just as easily NOT moved in. That was her choice, too. And it’s not like you two were married or even engaged. It seems like you are taking a lot of the blame onto yourself, when this really seems pretty 50/50. It’s both of you.

    I know this isn’t going to be a fun thing for you to do and that you feel bad about it, but, hopefully, this will all end up being a good thing that frees her up to find someone who is truly a match for her. And the same for you.

    I would talk to your kids before you have them stay with their mom all that time to see what THEY would rather do. It might feel to them like you’re trying to push them away during this time, even though that’s not your intention and you’re just trying to make things easier on them. They might rather want to deal with it just so they can spend time with you, so I’d definitely check with them first to see how they feel. And, if anything, you should see if your girlfriend can just go live with her mom for a while.

    #282229

    John
    Participant

    You make very valid points here.  Yes she had to switch school districts.  One of the reasons she moved in was because of both of us having kids and living so far apart (20-25) minutes.  It was hard for us to see each other on the weeks I had my girls.  Yes, hindsight says we should of waited at least until we were a year in our relationship.  At the time, I really thought is was best.  I thought we all would benefit from it.  I was wrong.

    So….  Yesterday, I got off work early (about the same time she did).  We decided to go have lunch and play video poker.  She loves video poker.  Watching her get excited about just winning a couple bucks, really does make me smile.  There are things about her that I love.  She gets very animated and excited about things.  Anyways…  So we had lunch, played at one bar.  I lost and I think she broke even.  Then we went to another bar to try different machines.  We both did good there.  Then we went to another one after that to try more machines.  She did really good.  She made about $400 there, and I made about $200.  So at that bar.  We were both talking to this other guy and his wife that were playing as well.  We were having a really good time.  It was nice.  But as always, it was short lived.  Sure enough, I said something (just being polite and friendly) to the female sitting next to me(which she was already talking to my girlfriend a lot).  My girlfriend immediately got jealous and quite.  Then i said something else.  I think it was something like, “I just one $10 ” or something like that and my girlfriend said, “why don’t you just share it with her?”.  So that was it. I was done.  We got up and left.  We fought all the way home and after we got home.  Then I had enough.  She wasn’t listening and I left the house for a little bit to calm down.  I ‘ve told her before, when i get to a certain point, i need to leave to calm down or I will say things I don’t mean.  I was gone for about 20 minutes or so.  She called me 24 times.  I didn’t answer.  24 TIMES!!!  Holy Cow!!  It was a blow out last night.  I told her that I don’t think she will ever get past this trust thing.  She told me I ruined her.  It was a mess.  We did make up.  everything was good, then she asked to see my phone so she could text her daughter, i said “no, use your own phone” jokingly, and then she lost her shit again.

    I think last night is a good prelude to me being able to talk to her more about us.

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