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I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months ago.

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  • #282253

    Valora
    Participant

    Yikes! 24 times! Yeah, it’s very clear your argument styles do not match each other either. My ex is the same way you are. He has to walk away for a bit to calm down or his mouth gets him into trouble. I loved him so much, I hated to let him leave at first because I just didn’t want to be away from him with what little time we already got to see each other (he also lived 25 minutes away), but whenever I forced him to stay, he did end up saying mean things that he had to apologize for later because he was just feeling upset and spouting off. So I learned to just let him go and come back to the discussion later. You two have been dating for a year and have fought quite a bit, so she should know by now to just let you go calm down… and a person cannot calm down when someone is calling them nonstop. That just aggravates the situation.

    I have to add, too, that ever since I started really taking responsibility for everything that’s happened in my life, it sort of frustrates me when other people don’t. You did not ruin her. She ultimately chose to put herself into the position she is in now. She knew you still had feelings for your ex and she stayed out of the hope or expectation that your feelings would eventually change. It was her own expectations not being met that “ruined” her.  As soon as people start taking responsibility for the decisions that lead them into unwanted situations, the sooner they’re able to heal and not put themselves in that situation again. Blaming others gives people an excuse to feel victimized, and self-pity helps no one.

    I wish you good luck with this conversation that you have to have. I don’t think there’s any way that she won’t get upset, but after time, you will both likely be better off once out of this situation.

    #282397

    John
    Participant

    thank you.

    I really think my girlfriend is delusional or in denial about the whole thing.  She is weird, because she says she knows i don’t love her like i did my ex.  and that she doesn’t think i will, but yet she still wants to stay with me.  I’m really not looking forward to our conversation at all.  It just really sucks that she is in the financial situation she is in right now.  It would be so much easier if she could afford a place of her own.

    I have to add, too, that ever since I started really taking responsibility for everything that’s happened in my life, it sort of frustrates me when other people don’t. You did not ruin her. She ultimately chose to put herself into the position she is in now.

    I agree 100%.  She has told me “you were the one that wanted me to move in”.  When in fact she wanted to just as much or more.  She has said several times about her giving up her place to live and relocating her kids.  Which makes me feel even more guilty and responsible.  She does need to take responsibility for her moving in also.  It wasn’t like we were exactly on cloud 9 when she did.  She should have decided to wait and make sure all was good  between us.  I do take responsibility as well.  I should of never done it, knowing that I still had feelings  for my ex and all.  But at the time, I did think it was the right thing to do.  We all make mistakes.  I guess the hard part is accepting that and taking care of it.

    It is going to be so difficult talking to her about all of this.  She still is talking bout things in the future.  Like distant future.  When she does, it makes me uncomfortable because I don’t see the same future she does.  It makes me feel even more guilty.  Even after that big fight we had.  Later that night, she dismissed it like it was nothing.

    I think all of this has really helped and then raised questions in me with problems with my ex.  Her and I never fought, we did have a couple arguments, but even up until the end, she was the one talking about living together down the road and having a future together.  Where as now as roles are reversed in my current situation, i don’t.  but yet my girlfriend still does.

    all so confusing to me.  It really doesn’t help feeling the way I still do about my ex.  The worst part is that I can’t forget one of the last things she told me when we last talked at the end of December when she told me she thinks about me often.  That really has thrown my heart and mind for a loop.  I guess part of me thinks that if she does still think about me that much that there is still hope there because of what she said.  I know it’s a fantasy, but I can’t help the way I feel.  I have learned that I really need to be on my own until I can get these issues resolved in my head and heart and finally have the closure and know in my heart and mind that “it” will never be with my ex, or if it is to be again that it will happen if/when it happens, that I can’t change that outcome.   I really need to get back to myself, with just me and my girls. I need to make them and me my priority anymore, NOT other people, no matter how I feel about them.

    there are several times, that I wish I would have never started dating after my wife left me.  I was alone for 2 years and I was good.  I didn’t have any of this trouble or heartache.  Life does stink some times.  Love definitely stinks right now.  LOL….

    #282469

    Valora
    Participant

    I really think my girlfriend is delusional or in denial about the whole thing.  She is weird, because she says she knows i don’t love her like i did my ex.  and that she doesn’t think i will, but yet she still wants to stay with me.

    I don’t think she’s necessarily in denial or delusional because she is very much acknowledging the truth of the situation. The fact that she’s choosing to stay, though, says she is codependent, which is just as harmful to a person and a relationship as being delusional or in denial.

    She does need to take responsibility for her moving in also.  It wasn’t like we were exactly on cloud 9 when she did.  She should have decided to wait and make sure all was good  between us. I do take responsibility as well.

    Exactly. It’s very clear that you’re also taking responsibility for your part in it, which is why you’re feeling guilty, but this is on her, too. First and foremost, a parent’s main job is to do what’s best for the kids. Not to sound judgmental on my part, but making them switch school districts so she could move in with a her boyfriend she’d only been seeing for a few months was not a good idea, and that was on her. She’s the one that chose to move her kids.  You didn’t force her to.

    But like you said… we all make mistakes. The important part is recognizing them, taking responsibility, and learning the lesson from them. But it isn’t right to accuse you as if you were the only one who made the mistake or that you forced her into the position she’s in. She put herself there by agreeing to it.

    I also wouldn’t do too much comparing with this situation and your ex. They’re just two different situations. Just because you’re feeling this way about your girlfriend doesn’t mean your ex felt that way about you at the time. It’s hard to say what your ex was going through. And as much as it sucks to recognize this… whether your ex thinks about you often or not doesn’t really matter because she isn’t a part of your life right now. Who knows, maybe she’ll come back once you’re free again and have had a chance to focus on you and your kids for a bit, but as of right now, she’s staying away. I think she might still have some growing to do anyway given how she handled things the last time. It still showed some immaturity.

    I really need to get back to myself, with just me and my girls. I need to make them and me my priority anymore, NOT other people, no matter how I feel about them.

    This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Just get back to being you and spending time with your girls and see if your daughter notices you’re more “you” after a while. Get in a good spot with the way you feel in general again. Then let love find it’s way to you after that. I don’t think it hurts to hold a little hope alive for a reconciliation with your ex down the road, but also keep your options open, get to know new people with the hope that there could also be someone even better than your ex out there… someone who makes you feel the same way that your ex did (that “home” feeling), who has kids who are already grown and is free to travel and go do fun things, has their life together, and who is ready for a mature, committed, life-long relationship…. that’s what you’re ultimately looking for, right?

    #282879

    John
    Participant

    This is absolutely the best thing you can do. Just get back to being you and spending time with your girls and see if your daughter notices you’re more “you” after a while. Get in a good spot with the way you feel in general again. Then let love find it’s way to you after that. I don’t think it hurts to hold a little hope alive for a reconciliation with your ex down the road, but also keep your options open, get to know new people with the hope that there could also be someone even better than your ex out there… someone who makes you feel the same way that your ex did (that “home” feeling), who has kids who are already grown and is free to travel and go do fun things, has their life together, and who is ready for a mature, committed, life-long relationship…. that’s what you’re ultimately looking for, right?

     

    I think this is the best thing for me.  Yes, i want someone who is independent, can take care of themselves at the very least and someone that can have the freedom and is able to do things like i want to.

     

    So we had another blow out this weekend.  I tried again to have a good night/weekend.  Well that backfired.  We had a good night, both having fun out by our selves, but then by the end of the night, she got too drunk(again) and got upset at me.  I told her then i am done, that I can’t do this anymore.  That no matter what there is always going to be that doubt in her head and I am always going to feel guilt for doing what I did to cause it.  We got home and really started fighting.  I just dropped her off and left. I went to a 24 hour restaurant and had something to eat and coffee, and ignored her calls and texts.  I did tell her I was fine and I will be home later, but that didn’t stop her.  She threatened to take her own life and said she was really depressed, ect…  It was a horrible night.  We did make up again.  but I have been distant. and not really myself since.  Then last night, we went to dinner with my friends and she read all kinds of shit into nothing.  So of coarse after we got home last night she started talking about it again.

    But in the meantime in between fights and such, she acts like everything is okay and keeps talking about life plans and things like that.

    It sucks.  I’m almost afraid to tell her that we need to go separate ways.  I really don’t know how to handle this now given what she pulled this weekend.

    #282905

    Valora
    Participant

    Ugh. My cousin had a boyfriend who pulled that once… threatened to take his life if she broke up with him. He was also mentally abusive to her and she was miserable with him. She broke up with him anyway. He didn’t take his own life. And quite frankly, it wouldn’t have been her responsibility if he had, and it was not fair for him to pin that on her in the first place. Same goes for your girlfriend. The next time she says that, I would drive her straight to the hospital and tell them she’s threatening suicide. And I’m serious about that. If she’s serious, she needs professional help to not feel that way. If she’s not serious, it’s abuse. That is a threat, and it’s not acceptable.  I’m quite convinced, based on what you’ve said, that she has very serious codependency issues. You did the right thing by walking out.

    I sincerely hope she does get help. She is not responding in a way that is healthy. For either of you.

    I think this is the best thing for me.  Yes, i want someone who is independent, can take care of themselves at the very least and someone that can have the freedom and is able to do things like i want to.

    There are lots of women out there who are like this, especially these days. Many women are more and more independent and self-sufficient than ever.  So chances are good you will be able to find what you’re looking for who will also be able to give you the feelings you’re after. Once you get out of this mess you’re in.

    #283087

    John
    Participant

    This is so hard!  Why am I such a “nice guy”?  The thought of hurting her and her kids is killing me.  I want to talk to her so bad, but I can’t.  I know I need to and I have to.  But damn.  She is starting a new job on Monday and she needs to be able to focus on it.  I know if i say something now that that will make it difficult for her too.  On the other hand, I feel like i’m living a lie anymore. I keep watching time tick away…. waiting for the right moment. I know that the longer I wait the harder it will be also though.  To make things worse, she went out and bought all of our kids some starter stuff for easter already.  Which brought back a memory to last easter…  She came over with her kids and we all did eggs.  She stayed over the night before.  We had a good time.  But when she was getting ready to leave, my oldest daughter and my ex-wife stopped by to get my girls.  My g-friend mis-read the situation and grabbed all her stuff and was leaving.  I went out to talk to her and she was shaking.  She was gonna leave for good.  “you don’t want me here”  she showed signs then and I didn’t see them.   UGH!  I really have to talk to her and I”m so afraid to.  This sucks so bad.  It would be so much easier if she did not have kids.

    I did talk to my daughter yesterday though.  The one that came to me a couple weeks ago.  I told her that I may be talking to my g-friend soon and that I don’t know if things are going to work out.  That I feel like we are all unhappy most of the time and that it would be best if we separated.  I told her that the problem is my girlfriend has no where to go right now and with her employment situation I don’t know if it is going to get any better any time soon.  That if/when this does happen, we may end up changing room arrangements at the house for a while.  She looked upset.  She said she understands, but that she does love my girlfriend and her kids like they are family.  She asked if that does happen and if she does leave if she and I were still going to see each other.  I told her no, that if we can’t make this work, it will be even harder then and it would be best if we were done.  She then asked if she could still see my girlfriend and her kids once in a while.  I told her maybe we could arrange something.

    this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

    I do know that if this was my ex-girlfriend.  I would of done anything in the world that I could have to make it better.  ANYTHING.  I should feel that way now and I don’t.

    My girlfriend does though.  I really hate/apprieciate this situation.  It really has opened my eyes about my past.  My ex must have been struggling like this for some time off and on, then at the end, I lost my shit and made things ten times worse when she needed me most just to be there and back off and let her come to me.  Instead i bombarded her every day.  Made it all about me.  Which is what ultimately drove her away.  Just like my girlfriend is doing to me know.  my ex and I never really fought though, I wish we would of, then maybe things would of been more clearer with me.  But with my girlfriend, when we fight, I tell her what I think and it still doesn’t change how she behaves.

    Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap….

    #283175

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah 🙁  Breaking up with someone is a really hard thing to do. I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do, but it’s just one of those things where you just kind of have to rip the band-aid off. However, I think you’re right to not do it a couple days before she starts a new job.  At the same time, though, I don’t know if I’d wait too much longer either. I guess you’re just going to have to keep playing it by ear and be careful not to make plans too far into the future. If she talks about wanting to make any plans, I’d just tell her you don’t want to and you can even use that time to tell her you are having doubts about your relationship and don’t think you should make any plans because you aren’t happy with how things have been going.

    this is so incredibly hard to do.  It’s funny cause when my ex-wife left.  She just left, we were done.  No hard feelings.  It was easy.  Now it feel worse and more difficult.  I don’t understand.

    Was your ex-wife more independent? Your girlfriend seems very codependent so it’s likely you feel more needed and it feels like you’re breaking up with someone who can’t get along without you, like a child, which feels mean… but it’s not mean. She is a grown woman and it would only benefit her to learn to stand on her own. But if your ex-wife was different and more independent, then that’s why that one was easier. You probably knew she’d be fine and she knew that, too.

    Give me strength for this.  I need it.  If I know one thing about myself it that i’m a lover not a fighter.  It is very hard for me to not feel bad and sacrifice my own feelings and needs for others.  There are many time i wish i was one of those people that didn’t give a crap.

    I’m the same way… but here’s the biggest thing I’ve learned about sacrificing your own needs for others. When you’re sacrificing to make sure others are okay, in spite of your own needs, it tends to blow up in your face later on in a BIG way… because it deteriorates your health. If you kept on the road you’re traveling, sacrificing just so she won’t feel hurt, it will only get worse until the point where it just all explodes. So it might make you feel better short-term to not have to hurt anyone, but long-term it’ll make everyone more miserable. And that’s why that’s counterproductive.  Self-care is putting your own needs above others’ wants to make sure that you are emotionally healthy, and that is a very, very important thing to do. Self-care should be a priority for every individual.  I also want to point out that being with you doesn’t seem to be very healthy for your girlfriend, either.

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 2 weeks ago by  Valora.
    #284163

    John
    Participant

    okay, so I’ve been biding my time.  Like I said, i want her to get going on her new job before i drop them bomb.  In doing so… I think she is actually a little crazy.  These last couple/few days and nights haven’t been bad at all.  She’s been in a better mood and trying to not get all weird and insecure and stuff.  The problem is that she is in total denial about our last fight a few days ago.  The fight that  she said “fine, i will just leave then” and I agreed with her.  I guess the problem that night was that by the end of the fight, she had a anxiety attack or something.  Her heart was racing and she could barely breathe.  I had to get  paper bag and help her breathe again.  Then the next day she acted like everything was great.  I don’t understand why she acts like that.  I’m still distant and quite.  She keeps planning and talking like we are going to be together forever.   And all I can think about is being able to separate without guilt….  The good news is that she may have another option.  Her Brother and his girlfriend ended recently and he now has some extra space at his house.  I don’t know if that is really  an option for her, however i don’t think he would turn her away.  I’m really thinking about talking to her this weekend.  I don’t have my girls and she will have done her first week at work.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all.  I feel so messed up in the head right now.  I know we are not healthy for each other.  But I will miss her.  We do get along good when, well honestly it’s s lot to do with when kids aren’t involved.  Like this last weekend for example.  Her son stayed the night at a fiends house Friday night, so her and I and all three girls went out to dinner.  My girls were good and respectful and her daughter was being a little B&*$%.  I hate saying that but i don’t know how to describe her attitude and behavior.  Even my girlfriend said, if its not one of her kids, its the other.  After dinner though, everything was good.  That night and all the way up until her son came home.  he wasn’t in the door 5 minutes before he was whining and throwing a fit.  Really makes it stressful.  I think my girlfriend has gotten so used to it, she see’s it, but doesn’t realize how bad and frequent it is and she enables it.  I just can’t handle it anymore.

    Wow, i’ve gotten way off track here.  Back to me trying to end this whole mess.  Like I said, I think I’m going to talk with her this weekend.  I need to just tell her that we aren’t health for each other right now.  That I feel like either I’m walking on egg shells or she is all the time.  And that our families just don’t mix well.  They do love each other and get along, however their is always drama or someone is always upset.  I just can’t do this anymore, but yet I feel so horrible.  I am not looking forward to this conversation at all…

    #284191

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    I think you are doing her a disservice by thinking, planning about you telling her that you want to leave while waiting for the right time.  Change shoes and think of how you would feel when your mate tells you that he wants you out all the while knowing she was thinking about this for weeks if not months before she told you.

    Mark

    #284223

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I really think you should do it this weekend too, for sure. Especially now that she would probably be able to go to her brother’s. Maybe she can eventually get that place back from him if he ends up wanting to move elsewhere now that he’s single again.  I know it’s going to be a hard conversation and a BIG part of you wants to put it off because of that, but I think it’s time to rip that Band-Aid off and get it over with.

    I wouldn’t even use the words “right now” when you tell her you don’t think you’re healthy for each other, because that makes it sound like there’s hope to get back together in the future if things change. Do her a favor and make the breakup concrete, like this is it and you have no plans to reconcile. It will help her to be able to move on faster.

    #284249

    anita
    Participant

    A Note about “two little shits”-

    There are two children in this story, a boy who is seven and a girl who is nine. The OP of this thread, John, referred to the two children as “little shits”. He referred to the nine year old girl as a “little B&*S%”.

    These two children’s father is not part of their lives at all. They are living with their emotionally troubled mother who is at times suicidal, has a drinking problem and is financially irresponsible (from what the OP shared), and with her boyfriend of one year, John, whose major concern has been all along his loving feelings for a girlfriend he had before he met the mother of these two children.

    This is some of what John wrote about his current live-in girlfriend’s son: “her son has serious issues… he just flips out over something that is nothing… kicking and screaming at the top of his lungs over nothing… Her son lost his shit in a bad way. Lots of anger… I swear he has some kind of bi-polarism… her son flipped out my girlfriend’s mom told her that she will not watch her son again… That’s pretty bad if his grandparent is done watching him. He is just out of control… her son acted up.. he got very upset and violent. A few times… her kids always being little shits”.

    This is some of what he wrote about her daughter: “her daughter.. She is selfish and acts like a little queen snob…her daughter is a drama queen. Either throwing a fuss or crying…her daughter was being a little B&*$%”.

    John sees himself as a nice guy who is concerned about the welfare of these kids and their mother (“Why am I such a ‘nice guy’? The thought of hurting her and her kids is killing me”)-

    -But her kids are already hurt. Their father failed them, their mother failed them (and is not engaged in any process of helping herself and learning to become an adequate mother), their grandparents are not helpful and the man their mother moved in with (after a few months of dating) has not helped either with their emotional well being.

    These children are in trouble and are being prepared to live a life of suffering and dysfunction. Maybe social services should be contacted, maybe there is a capable couple who is able and willing to help these two children, give them a home that is safe, predictable and loving, as well as seeing to it that they get the professional help they need.

    Maybe John should contact social services, if he is that “nice guy”, that is.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #284263

    Valora
    Participant

    Before calling Social Services, John, I’d suggest you talk to her about getting everyone into counseling… the kids and herself. It’s likely that’s what SS would do, too…. require parenting classes and counseling.  But being evaluated by Social Services is stressful on everyone, and ripping children away from their mother, incompetent at the moment or not, is also damaging and likely to cause emotional issues…. so this is why I suggest talking to her first.

    From what you’ve said, I don’t think there is anything going on that would be considered abuse, so I doubt them being taken away would actually happen…. but it might be an idea to call them if she refuses to get help because Anita is right that if they all continue on the path they’re on, it really is setting them up for a difficult life. She would likely just be court-ordered to take parenting classes and get them into counseling and then SS would follow up with her regularly to make sure she’s following through.   (My son’s stepmom and another friend of mine work for SS with children, which is why I know all this. haha)

    #284277

    John
    Participant

    Thank you all for input.  She is seeking counseling for her son, which requires them both to go.  He just had an evaluation and they are going to start regular sessions soon.  I am going to talk with her this week or weekend about us.  She just started her new job yesterday and also received some bad news from her doctor about some possible health issues as well.

    I  guess there is never a “good” time….

    #284349

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    I am curious what do you plan to say when you do talk to her?  I wonder if you do plan to ask/tell her to move out and if so, when?   That is the bottom line isn’t it?

    You say you don’t want to blindside her but you have sharing this with us for months.  Have you shared anything about how you are feeling, how the two families are incompatible, how you are not in love with her?

    My take is that you will keep drawing this out and doing her a disservice unless you tell her.

    Mark

    #284397

    John
    Participant

    Mark, I just simply plan on telling her that i don’t think we are compatible.  Not as families or lovers.  That the amount that we fight and disagree and have issues with our children and our children having issues with each other is too much.  That in fact it is reversed.  What i mean by that is that for the amount of time we fight or have problems is the amount of time that we should be happy and all getting along and vise versa.  I’m going to tell her that I’m just not happy like I should be and my girls are not happy either.  That we need to be on our own.  That I need significant time to also rebuild my relationship with my girls.  That I just can’t do this anymore.  Feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness and wellbeing.

    I am going to ask her to move out.  I really don’t know how that is going to go, since she cannot afford a place of her own, even with assistance.  The waiting list for housing assistance is closed in my state because it is so long.  It could take years for her to get that granted to her.  I’m going to suggest that she talk to her family members and see if she can stay at any of their places and store her belongings there or she might have to get a storage place which sucks, cause that is more money also.

    She does know i’ve been feeling this way, when we do fight, i do bring it up.  Our last fight she did bring up moving out and I agreed, but by the end of the night she went into a panic or anxiety attack(I think)  It was pretty bad.  The way she was freaking out. It was almost like she was having a mild heart attack.  I was actually pretty scared for her and almost took her to the hospital.  So that killed our fight and i took care of her.  Which she misinterpreted for us being all better.  Since that fight, she has been a lot better.  But I know it’s only a matter of time before another fight.

    This just sucks in the worst way.  It would be so much easier if she could afford to find a place on her own.  And having her kids involved just complicates things even worse.  Honestly if I could afford it I would give her enough money to live on for a year so she could move on and we could both get our lives together.  I can’t though.

    I do love her.  That is one of the problems.  I do care for her and her kids.  I’m not “in love” with her like a man should be.  That is my fault.  My fault for pursuing this relationship when I still had hangups on my my last one.  I should of listened to advice in the beginning and ended it then.  But I really did think we had a lot in common and I did enjoy being with her.  I thought it would be a good thing and turn into a great thing.  I think that all the problems we had to face together just became too much for me and my girls.

    Now I feel stuck in this situation and I only see it getting worse before it gets better.  She really is a good woman, she just has had a bad go at life.  I know we all make our own decisions, however her kids father being a deadbeat dad is not something that she could control.  If he wasn’t, things may be better.  If she was getting her child support and other support with her kids their whole lives, and having their father there to share custody, so she could get away once in awhile.  I know things would of played out different.

    I need to go.  I will keep you all posted on this.  feeling down and guilty right now.  gotta get to work.  later.

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