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I feel like i ruined my girlfriends life

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This topic contains 98 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by  Mark 2 months ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 99 total)
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  • #290375

    John
    Participant

    i do agree with you.   It’s so hard tho.  Now, her sons birthday is this week and his party is this weekend.  Never a good time for this.  I really need to sac up and do this though.  She keeps talking about next month, next year, and forever and I keep thinking I don’t see that future.  I really wish she didn’t have children, it would make things so much easier.

    #291203

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, there is NEVER going to be a good time for a breakup. There’s always something… next week, next month, etc. That’s kind of why you have to forget about finding a good time and just rip the band-aid off.

    #291359

    John
    Participant

    I’m going to try again sunday.  I’m going to tell her that i’m just not in love with her and that I don’t see a future with us.  That I don’t know why or when, but somewhere I fell out of love and i started feeling unhappy.  That I need to be alone and learn to make myself happy before i can think about having someone else in my life.

    I really want to tell her that part of this is that every single day I still think about my ex.  sometimes throughout the entire day.  And that if i’m still thinking about her, how can I even begin to feel anything for someone else.  But I know that would hurt so much more to hear.

    #291393

    Mark
    Participant

    The three rules of communication

    1. Is it true?

    2. Is it necessary?

    3. Is it kind?

    #291461

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, I wouldn’t tell her about your ex. I feel like that’s unnecessary and would only hurt her worse. Just stick with the fact that you don’t see a future with her and you want to be alone.  And then make sure you stay single for a while afterwards without even dating around until you’re able to let go of your ex more and aren’t suffering over thoughts of her anymore. And like I said in the other post, you don’t have to let go of your ex 100% because I’m not even sure that’ll be possible until you find a better match for you, but you do have to get to the point where you are truly open to the fact that your ex may not be the best person for you… that there may be someone else out there and you’re truly open to meeting her.

    #293663

    John
    Participant

    well, i tried again about a week or so ago….  then the next day I caved again.  she really knows how to play the woe is me card.  I end up feeling horrible and try to make it work.  every time.   I hate it that I do this.  The fact that she is freakin broke and has no where to go…  UGH!…

    I did tell her the other night that if we do separate, that i will still see her kids for awhile.  That I won’t just walk out of their lives.  They have gotten very attached to me.  Especially her daughter.

    So here i am, in the same situation.    I hate that I can’t just be a jerk and tell her we are done and stand by my word.  When i tried last time she said she had no where to go and for me to leave.  So I said, “okay, i will be gone by the end of june”  and then she said “i can’t afford this place on my own”  Which she can’t.  My rent is more than 2/3 her monthly income.  let alone other household expenses.

    So, i have a question for you all.  Since it seems her not having a place to go if we break up is the big block here.  Would it be wrong if I talked to her mother?  Just me and her one on one and explained to her that I am not happy anymore, that I just don’t see a future with my girlfriend and I anymore.  That things and feelings have changed within me and I honestly see myself happier alone.  And tell her that I have tried to end things on more that one occasion and it comes down to her not having anywhere to go, so we try again.   Then ask her if my girlfriend and her kids staying at her house for a while or the summer is an option until she can get back on her feet?  Or is that something I shouldn’t do?

    I really do want to be alone, even just want to date again.  Nothing serious, just have some fun and meet new people.  Be able to enjoy my life again.  Do things on the weekends with and without my girls and during the weeks when I don’t have my girls.  Especially since summer is here.  In my area we only get a couple good months before the weather goes to crap again.  I feel like i’m going to spend my whole summer at home doing nothing, either because of her kids needing watched or if i go by myself or with my girls, then i feel guilty.

    Man, I wish that she made a decent living.  Something that she could be able to leave.  It is getting close to the end of the school year and that was another big thing.  Not taking her kids out of that school till the end of the year.    I’m so lost.  I have too much heart to just tell her to be done and figure it out, but yet I know that her staying there is more hurtful in the long run.

    #293679

    Valora
    Participant

    I would absolutely talk to her mother, if it were me. I might not go into that much detail unless her mom asks you to explain, but I’d just say that things are not working out but there is an issue with her having someplace to go once she moves out of your house, and then simply ask if it would be okay for her and her kids to move back home with her until they find a place. If her mother says that she can move back, then that means you will know for sure that she has a place to go and she can’t tell you otherwise. Then it becomes she doesn’t WANT to go rather than she CAN’T go, and, honestly, that’s not your problem. As long as she lives with you and wants to be with you, she will have absolutely no motivation to actually leave or find a place… but if she lives with her mom and doesn’t want to live there, it’ll give her the motivation to find a place, which will be much more helpful to her in the long run (she’ll be growing and moving forward rather than staying in a relationship with someone who isn’t happy). Know what I mean?

    I agree that it would be great for you to just be alone for a while and get back to being yourself and doing the things you like to do. I’m sure your daughters would love that, too. If you fall very quickly when you date, though, I would hold off on that for a bit. Just hang with friends and do some new fun things with them instead.

    #293761

    Mark
    Participant

    John,

    Asking her mother is one approach but I believe you continue to dis-empower your gf by taking responsibility for finding a place for her and her children. She can play a helpless victim but seeing if her own mother will take her is her responsibility.

    You say you want to be alone and want to date again. My take is that you need to work on yourself and take care of your children. You have gone from one relationship to another. My belief is that you need to learn to be by yourself for a while. Happiness is not another woman. Take stock on your behaviors and reflect. Get some therapy to understand yourself better.

    Mark

    #293853

    Michelle
    Participant

    John. Seems you have tried a number of times to get your girlfriend to move out and each time has failed as you caved in.  At this point, she’s never going to believe you mean that she needs to go as history and experience now tells her that so long as plays on your soft spot, you will cave again and she will not need to change anything.  So the time will never be ‘right’, she may get a fantastic job, earn enough to support herself and so on but whilst she still hangs on to a relationship with you, she will still stay.

    The thing with soft spots is, sometimes it’s also a way of trying to hide from being the ‘bad guy’. Whereas there is no ‘nice’ way out of this one. Even if you get her mother to agree she can come back – she is still going to think you are a bad guy for a while, after all, you are rejecting her, finishing the relationship.  So you need to work on accepting there is no ‘nice’ way for you to do this, you can absolutely be as respectful as needed, especially with the kids but you are going to have to set clear boundaries that this relationship is over.

    Have you actually finished the relationship with her or are you still together as a couple?  As in, at least as a first step, be clear that the relationship is over regardless of everything else. You can still be living in the house together but not being together in a relationship. You can start dating others if you want, then being a single guy, though do tend to agree some time by yourself is not a bad thing, so just going out with friends, doing things by yourself, spending less time with the kids and no time alone with her. If no spare room, put up with sleeping on the sofa for a bit. You need to bring it home that the relationship is over, that things will be changing regardless if she moves out or not.

    Being clear and setting boundaries is not the same as being heartless. You know by being nice you are actually being cruel in the long run by dragging this out for both of you.

    Hope helps.

    #293891

    anita
    Participant

    John:

    You wrote regarding the woman you are living with: “Why is my heart so freaking big? I would seriously rather be miserable than hurt her anymore…I have too much heart to just tell her to be done and figure it out”.

    As a  man with a freaking big heart, you want to do what is right for this woman and for her kids, correct? Let’s look at the situation and figure out what would  be the best thing for her and her kids:

    She is living in your place, one that she can’t afford on her own because the rent is too high for her income, part of which is food stamps. Her kids attend school in your area for another month before summer vacation rolls around. You wrote: “I have spent quite a bit of $$ helping her out… I’ve had to give her money this month for gas and stupid expenses because she had none. She has no money until the end of this month, which wont be a lot”.

    You’ve been trying to break up with her repeatedly, her response: “she was hurt and all, but then in denial again… she’s still thinking we are going to be together forever… She is getting so clingy and needy” (March 2019).

    During this time of you wanting to end this relationship, you are sleeping with her in the same bed and having sex with her regularly, if I understand correctly. Women often think that if you care to make love to them, have your body so close to theirs and inside of theirs, night after night, that you love them and that you will therefore stay. As you share a bed with her and as you have sex with her, you encourage that “clingy and needy” in her.

    You wrote: “I really do feel  like I’m going to destroy this woman and her kids… This sucks”- but you are destroying her now by sharing a bed with her and having sex with her while planning to end the relationship with her-

    -“I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling… And that this relationship and situation isn’t doing it for me… I’m just not in love with her and I don’t see a future with us”.

    You are sharing a bed with her and having sex with her while all along, you thinks of and desire another woman: “Every day I think about (another woman), sometimes throughout most of the day.. I do miss her so much… if (the other woman) were to contact me and want me back I would have no hesitation… I’m still thinking about her, how can I ever begin to feel anything for someone else”.

    My closing thoughts about what the right thing for you to do for the benefit of this woman and her kids: you’ve been focusing on her financial situation, her financial needs, but there is something else a woman needs, and that is to not feel used. A man with a freaking huge heart does not make use of the body of a woman who is a mess (the word you used to describe her),  clingy of him, a woman who sees a forever with you while you plan to break up with her.

    A man with  a huge heart will do the following, in your situation: let her stay alone in the bedroom, make it her room alone, her private room,  while you sleep in another room or on the couch, or in that RV you own, if I remember correctly. Do not have sex with her. Let her live there with her kids until arrangements are made for her to move out to a place she can afford.

    This way you will stop feeding and fueling her clinginess and hope for a forever with you. This way, she will appreciate that she spent time with a man who was honest with her, who cared for her as a person and a mother, not as a sex partner. When you do what I suggested, you treat her with dignity and respect, and that dignity and respect will move her toward becoming a healthier woman and a better mother to her kids.

    anita
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    #294061

    Oleh
    Participant

    Everybody has their own problem.Relationships are very hard thing.But if u love her girl u have to do everything to make her happy.

    #294933

    John
    Participant

    thank you all so much for your input.

    as of right now nothing has changed, except the night i was trying to end things (again and it was actually going well), her daughter broke her arm.. BAD.  so we spent most the night in the hospital and the next day she had emergency surgery cause it was still messed up.  The whole time here daughter only wanted me there.  Broke my heart.  Then not even two days later, her grandmother went to the hospital and they all thought she was going to day.  While she was in there, her grandfather had a heart attack and passed., then her grandmother got a little better, but has made it clear she is ready to go.  Then..  two days ago, her daughter(20years old and pregnant) called her from the emergency room bleeding.  So that was another half day at the emergency room.  Luckily everything is okay and the baby is okay.  When it rains it pours.  So, “ending it” kind of got put on hold.

    Anita, I really listened to what you said.  That is what I need to do.  I can’t back down, and making that room, her room until she can leave makes total sense.  I’m going to  do this I really am.  I have to.  Like you’ve said, dragging it on is making things worse.  I will keep you all updated.  thanks again.

    #294935

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, John.

    anita

    #296585

    John
    Participant

    well, the crap storm never ends.  I feel like it’s  been one thing after another for her.  Now she is dealing with her oldest daughter (20 years old) I think stuff is finally settling down though.  I’ve decided that the best thing is for me to do like you have said.   I’m going to move my clothing and stuff into my RV and have a talk with her.  Tell her that I am done.  That this isn’t working and that we can’t give each other what we both need.  I can’t love her like she wants/needs and she can’t give me the freedom and life I need.  That I will sleep in the RV until she can find a place and I will do whatever I can to help her with that and her kids.  But we need to start on this road and stop all types of romantic relations.

    She can get so petty and childish about things.  For example, she is working this weekend (no surprise there) so i’m watching her kids again.  It’s going to be beautiful on the coast and i don’t have my girls, so I wanted to go riding on the dunes.  I talked to her mother about watching her kids that day so i could go with my friend.  When I told her that it was all a go, she asked “is his wife going”, I told her that he said she might go.  She got all pissy and upset.  something about me wanting to do things with my buddies, but then their wives go.  Like it’s my choice if they bring their wives.  And it’s not my fault that she has to work.  It became this big thing.  She even asked if I just asked him or him and his wife.  Obviously I just asked him.  I’m so tired of this insecurity and pettiness.  She even said ” i’ll pick up my kids after work so you can just do whatever you want for the rest of the night without me” .  in a pissy tone of voice.

    Why can’t she see how she is.  Well I know why.  I was this way once.  When i was so in love with my ex.  I was blinded and I was like this.  All I could see is “why doesn’t she want to be with me?”  I never saw that she wanted to have “her time” as well.  Something that I used to love for myself.  It really is amazing to me how much this experience has opened my eyes to how I was in my previous relationship and how much it does push someone away.

    With my girlfriend now, she is constantly telling me how much she loves me and everything she would do for me.  Which i appreciate, but the more she says it, the more guilty I feel.  The more pressure i feel.  Again, it is absolutely mind blowing seeing this from the other side.  Seeing how someone pushing so hard to show love and feel loved can push the other one away.

    I feel so bad for ever putting my girlfriend in this position, but I’m glad i have experienced this side of the spectrum.  It is something that I will take with me and learn from.

    again, i will keep in touch.

    #296589

    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    “I’m going to move my clothing and stuff into my RV… I will sleep in the RV until she can find a place and I will do whatever I can to help her with that and her kids… stop all types of romantic relations”-

    – this is the right choice for you, for her, for your kids and for her kids, for everyone involved.

    Warning: she is not likely to take it well, nor is she likely to cooperate with the plan, which is, again, the right thing for all involved. Therefore I suggest the following:

    1. Don’t negotiate with her the decision you have made (you moving to your RV, no romantic (no sexual) relations, she and her kids need to move to a different place)- don’t suggest these things and listen to her input. State these things as non-negotiable and final. When she argues with you about your decision, do not argue back, do not explain yourself, do not try to convince her of anything. Just repeat yourself, state this is your final decision and it is not negotiable.

    2. As she gets angry and expresses her anger any which way, directly,  indirectly, do not give in to her, do not cower, persist and endure and adhere to your decision. Remember, it is not negotiable.

    3. If she acts angry and then nice, and suddenly looks good to you and she seems so kind and saying she is okay with the plan, she understands… and you feel lonely and in need for some cuddling or.. well, sex- DO NOT DO IT!

    I hope to read from you soon regarding executing your good plan.

    anita

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