Well, there is a difference. In this club, serious intellectual discussions do occur, naturally who I am (in the world) is brought centre-stage.

So, curious – in my view, a good intellectual argument should stand on it’s own merit, without needing to be backed by stating your credentials to be able to make such a case.  Agree, some clubs do set store by such things, though I would contest it detracts from the intellectual debate, not adds.  Therefore you should be able to be the same person in both environments, i.e. yourself.

Regardless, I don’t think that is your real question here, which is what are you really upset about? Seems to me you hoping for simple confirmation that everybody else is ‘at fault’ and you are in the right behaving as you do and therefore no need to change. Though for someone as allegedly confident and secure as yourself, it is unusual to be upset by such comments as these. Is it the rejection from this guy specifically, who you had from your perspective invested time and effort in and hence surprised it was not reciprocated – or a feeling you are not really accepted in the wider club?  As in your quote (2) – what is it that is bothering you about these interactions/comments that may be unresolved issues you have yourself. You are clearly aware that answers usually lie within on these areas, not external.

As a Debator and consultant, you will be more than aware that making a good argument is only half the battle, being able to get people to buy into it and accept it is the challenge. I know both the arrogant and non-arrogant types you mention and I know who gets the most success long term. Why do you think people don’t take the time to get you know to realise you are not one of the arrogant ones and turn down your invites? I would suspect it’s related to “I know (for a whole lot of reasons) that I need to be more sociable, make the first move, show interest in others“. That would be a good place to start, what are the ‘whole lot of reasons’?