Ashley

You can ask yourself if you rather speak than listen, if you are more judgemental than compassionate, if you rather be right than wanting to understand, if you rather find differences than ways to connect and if you look for ways to love.

Mark

Dear Ashley:

The answer to your question may be in the following:

How do you interact with people of equal education to yours, and with people of greater wealth than yours, much greater…  how do you feel in their company and how do they treat you?

anita

Dear Ashley:

I didn’t have an insight in mind that I wished to communicate to you. I ask questions looking for answers. Sometimes it takes asking more questions. It is sort of shining a light in a dark room in this corner or that one, looking for possible answers. It is up to you of course, to engage with me in such a process.

Can you give me an example of what you said to a person just before that person told you that you are condescending, and what you said to the person after hearing the condescending comment?

anita

Dear Ashley:

What I figure is this: it is very common for people to lack self confidence, to question their worth, to compare themselves to others. I used to be and do these things.

When you present yourself to others the way you did in your original post: “I am a very highly accomplished person.. I’m educated to the postdoc level, I’ve lived in 5 countries… I am a very confident person”-

– that is suitable to a work resume or an application to a professional role, maybe, but it is not suitable in the context of other social interactions, it simply reads arrogant and it irks all the people who feel less than “very confident”.

My answer to your question: “Am I Condescending or Are They Insecure?”- is both, not one or the other.

Interestingly, there is an area for you to improve- social skills: present yourself with some humility so to not irk people.

anita

Hi Ashley,

I’ve both worked with, managed and known many people in your situation with similar achievements. As such, one thing I would say – there tend to be two camps, there are those who tend not to mention them and you find out almost by accident one day some of the amazing things they have done and those who like to bring them centre-stage, here, this is me and all I have done.  The second way can very easily come across as condescending even if not meant as such. I suspect that when you go to your Casbah area, you are not talking about these achievements, you are simply being yourself – i.e. more like the first camp of people.

To me, it sounds like you are using your achievements as a bit of a shield against insecurity still held that you don’t actually fit at this club, often the way with people who have had to fight hard for them in a group of people who have perhaps gained them more easily, more naturally part of the “club” ( right schools, connections, holidays you know what I mean here ).  There is absolutely nothing wrong with a healthy debate – but it involves listening as much as talking, being open yourself to change, not simply looking to prove others wrong, however right you believe your own logical arguments/points to be.

Sound at all familiar?

What I’ve noticed is that many of the members make judgements about me, without even having had a conversation with me. I dress like an investment banker, it makes people who are more comfortable in jeans and T-shirts feel differently. The level of speech (my vocabulary and complexity) are higher than most, again people feel uncomfortable. The fact that I have a very assertive and self-confident walk and mannerisms, irks others. If they actually sat down with me they would see that “condescending” aura shrink, but people would rather believe what they want to believe.

My take on all of this is that you cannot control people’s perceptions of how they see smartly dressed, accomplished people who use complex vocabularies. If you are generally friendly and don’t speak in a way that makes it sound like you believe those who are dressed down and speak in more conversational terms are “less than,” or inferior to you, then you are likely just being lumped in with a stereotype. I’ve come across quite a few people who absolutely do use their “million dollar words” to make people feel inferior in conversations, and I think those are the people who give others who are simply being their brilliant selves a bad name. The way you dress and speak may also make you seem a bit “uptight,” which can come off as arrogant. If you wish to not be seen as condescending, it might be worth it to dress down a little bit (however many of the other members of that club dress) and use normal conversational speech rather than your complex vocabulary, which may make you seem more relatable. However, I would really suggest that you just continue to be yourself, get to know those who are willing to get to know you, and pay no mind to those who don’t understand you….

…but maybe, at least for a little while, pay close attention to how people react to your words in conversation. Their facial expressions and body language responses, especially. Notice any changes that happen immediately after you say certain things. That will tell you a lot on whether you’re saying or doing things that are putting people off and what those things are.