Dear Anita,

I re-read my last post, and realize how so much of it is a repeat from the past, repeat themes.  I suppose that makes sense as what is “right” for us must be repeated over and over before it becomes more natural, before it becomes “our way.”

I thought a lot about the term we speak about “baseline distress” – this term means more to me than anxiety even.  As it pinpoints how on certain days, we (I) can feel distressed for no apparent reason at all.

I notice it is on those days where this mind chatter/outer chatter is worst of all.  And, it is on those days that this feeling of needing to “escape” and focus on the lives of others – may essentially be a trained response to numb my distress.

I spent a lot of today morning thinking back to my 20s, a time in which I did not have much self-love, and hardly any self-care.  I think of it as a time of frenzy, running from event to event, school, friend to friend, frenzied idea of what dating is, frenzied idea of what being single is.  This is when I developed many of the habits of ONLY focusing on others.  This was a time in which baseline distress was truly the baseline, day in and day out, rain or shine.

Although I may not feel as distressed and frenzied at every single moment of my life now.  I can’t say I feel entirely different – and I attribute that to what you and I spoke about yesterday.  I attribute it to:

not being programmed to sit with myself, and emotions.  not naturally knowing how to process/and release distress

being a natural seeker, and not a sitter

It is all of this that will make my next step in my journey, it is all this that is on my mind.