update:

well we’ve talked and talked.  She is in total denial, then it was Tuesday night.  I had to go get a part for my truck after work.  She texted and said the her son was staying at his older sisters that night.  I asked her if I could stop and get a beer on my way home from the wrecking yard.  She said sure, then she said that her daughter is going to stay there too.  So I invited her down.  We were both having a  decent time.  Then she wanted to talk about her counseling appt.  She thought it was a good one.  She said that her counselor said that the order of making people happy is that you are #1, your partner is #2, then the kids.  The kids were almost the same level as the partner.  AS soon as she said that I got quite.  It really hit me.  I’ve always been trying to make everyone else happy.  all the time.  Never myself.

Well by the time we got home, we were in another fight.  In this fight she asked if I was in love with her.  I stumbled on my answer, pretty much meaning no.  then she asked me if i can see my life without her.  I said yes.  That destroyed her.

I’ll just say this, by the end of the night, i felt like a piece of shit.

So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

Sooooo back to the fight night.  She said she will not be pulling her kids out of school early and transferring until the end of the school year…  That’s in June!  So I don’t know what to do.  Especially now that things are back again the way they were.  back to us trying to make it work.

I think i really need to write a letter.  Every time we talk and fight, it comes to the point of us being done, then before you know it we are “working on it”.

Oh!  to top things off.  Last week, her son asked if he could call me dad.  FML.  I feel like i’m just ruining lives all over the place.  I did say no though.

I’m sorry that i am all over the place with this post…  I am going to write a letter.  I need to have something that she can see and go back to and re-read over and over.  I really think it would help.  I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.  That I’ve been thinking more and more about me needing to make myself happy.  And that this relationship and situation isn’t doing it for me.  I need to think about myself now, not in 10 years from now when the kids are moved on.  I’m going to tell her that she can stay her thru the end of the school year, but I need her to find a place to live by then, whether it be at her mom’s or sisters, or brothers or whatever.  That I will help her and her kids in any way possible.  I think i’m also going to see about just getting my kids every other weekend until she is gone to help there be less stress around the house.  I’m going to call their mother today and see what she says.  I’m going to list all the things in this letter that make me upset or unhappy and tell her these things aren’t fixable, these are things that are characteristics of her and her kids and her life.  That this isn’t something that she should change for me.  That she needs to be the person she is.  Just like I need to be the person that I am  and that we just don’t mesh well.  We did in the beginning, but that was before we combined family and started living together.  That as much as I want this, I don’t see a future here.  I just see me trying to keep everyone else happy and me being miserable inside.  That I have been having mixed feelings for a while now.  And that the feelings my daughters have been having is just another added reason for this.  I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

(side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.  This whole thing has shedd sooooo much light on my last relationship, it’s ridiculous!  I really wish though that her and I would have gotten into fights like this, I wouldn’t of been so blind sighted.  With her, it was all good on thursday, then all bad on friday.  No warning signs, nothing, just done.— I’ll get back to my letter now 🙂

That I need to feel happy coming home, being home, being able to do the things I want without feeling guilt because she can’t.  Or just be free.  That I’m just not happy anymore and haven’t been for awhile.  That no matter how hard we could try to fix this, i just don’t see it happening.  Period.

This sucks.  Why is my heart so freaking big?  I would seriously rather be miserable than hurt her anymore.  Well wish me luck.  I will keep in touch.  Later…