I’m glad it finally hit you that you haven’t really been taking care of your own needs. That’s what I’ve been saying with the self-care. People don’t seem to get how important that is until all of the needs they’ve been neglecting finally blow up.

So the next day rolls around.  Now we are back where we were again??  Now we are  “working on it” again.  I don’t understand this.

I think you should really think about how you got back to where you are and you might be able to understand it a little better. If you weren’t firm with her, specifically saying that the relationship is over and that you do NOT want to work on things, then that’s how you got back where you are again. Were you firm and concrete during that conversation or did you bend and agree to work on it because you let your “big heart” get in the way?

I know she will do absolutely anything to make me happy and to be with me.  That kills me.  This is what i’ve always wanted.  Someone to give them self to me like this.  This is exactly how I felt about my ex.  I would have done anything within my power that she asked of me.

I wish i could feel the same about my girlfriend.

Think about this for a second though…. it’s a nice thought, but it’s codependence. You were likely codependent with your ex, too. Codependence isn’t healthy for the exact reasons that her therapist told her… you put your partner’s needs above your own and your entire life tends to revolve around your partner. If you get some time, read up on codependency. There are lots of blogs, especially on Psychology Today’s website and Talkspace. My ex and I DID feel the same about each other and it still blew up in our faces because it isn’t a healthy way to be.

Are you still seeking counseling, too? I really think you should both because of your views on and desire for codependence and because your “big heart” is NOT at all an asset to you right now, and I think it’s actually causing you to be avoidant and to make maladaptive decisions, so if you’re going to therapy, that’s definitely something you’ll want to talk to them about and work on. I had to do it for the same reasons, and I’m much better for it. This whole thing could’ve been done and over with 5 months ago and you wouldn’t have the added pain of now her son wanting to call you dad. If you wait any longer, it’s just going to keep getting harder for everyone involved.

So yes, definitely write the letter, but maybe keep it more simple than you’re planning. If you feel like you need to list things, instead of saying they make you upset or unhappy, just say these are the things that are incompatible with your needs and are unfixable between the two of you.

I am going to tell her that I was in love with her, but everything has killed that feeling.  That I do love her still, and that is why I keep giving in and telling her we will try.

I would leave that part out, though. It gives her something to latch onto and makes it seem like the relationship is fixable because the love is still there. Just leave the word love out of breakups entirely.  Your wish to say that probably stems from your desire to make it less painful, right? But thinking someone loves you and still wants to leave you makes things more painful, in my opinion… and also makes the love seem a bit like a lie.  If she specifically asks you if you still do after she reads the letter, then you can say you do but I’d say not romantically, but other than that, just don’t even bring that up.

I will tell her that I wish things were different, but they aren’t.  That it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.

(side note: that is what my ex told me after we broke up, I never understood it until now.)

I’d also leave out the “it’s not what I want, it’s what I need.” My ex said that to me too and it’s SUPER frustrating and also patronizing. How did you feel when your ex said that to you?  They likely both said it just to lesson their own guilt and to make the breakup sound better, but it doesn’t, really, does it? Even if you understand it later? In the moment, it doesn’t help, so I’d just leave that out.

I would also hand write the letter and hand it to her directly, have her read it in front of you. Be FIRM, CONCRETE. Leave no doubt. If she seems in denial, just keep reaffirming to her that things are over, no matter how bad that makes you feel. If she begs you to work on it, simply say no. You do not want to work on it.

I have a few questions….

If she stays with you, is there room for you two to sleep separately?

How are your kids going to feel about you seeing them less because of this? Wouldn’t letting your girlfriend stay and seeing your kids less in the meantime be putting your girlfriend’s needs over your kids? I suppose it’d be fine if your kids don’t care either way, but it’s possible they’ll feel slighted by it, and they should be your priority. So definitely something to think about.