Hi Anita, I’m sorry I’ve been working like crazy and haven’t even had time to read your response fully. But I’ve had a miserable day. A sad sad sad one! I will respond to your last response as soon as I can. But I need to unload these feelings I am having at the moment. My therapist is out of town and I haven’t seen her in a month. I think it’s over due. My grieving of my mom is back again. It comes and it goes. I still feel the guilt and I just wish so bad she was here. I know she was bad a being a mom sometimes but after all I’ve been through and awaking to life and it’s obstacles and pain I feel what she must have went through. I feel it like it is me. I have so much wisdom these days and I wish I could share it with her and more than anything I wish I could hold her. I am breaking down writing this. I am deeply sad today. I need her so bad! ?. I will never understand why I was so mean to her in her last days. How cold I was and all the boundaries I was setting. She was needy, she was difficult and she was a burden and that is exactly how she felt. Which makes me so sad for her or anyone to feel like that. We should all feel loved and have compassion. When she tried she was sweet and tender. She made me who I am. She was one of a kind. She would give anyone anything she had, it’s so hard to see her as good and bad. I’m so confused with her and with this world. I am sorry I am sad and lost at this moment. I am impulsively writing all these feelings because I’ve been holding them in. I have dreams of going to that rehab center when she called. I dream this all the time. Sometimes I have conversations out loud of what I should have asked the doctors and what I should have told her. Sometimes I replay the last convo in my head as if it was different. Please tell me it will be ok.

I should have saved her. I miss her. It’s so hard to believe that taking care of me and setting boundaries was the right thing to do when my mom was clearly so sick. Sometimes I feel like I was so wrong. I should have been there!! How do I know it’s the right thing now even? What if I’m hurting more people. I’m so confused and hurt. I’m sorry to be all over the place but I have been holding it together for a while and tonight I have to say I am a mess!

In June my mom said she felt like killing herself. I was in Florida at the time, lost in crazy land with my ex. With my clear mind in think back on how I don’t understand who I was back then that I wouldn’t be there for her. I should have left and said I need to go be with my mom but instead I was with a man who was emotionally abusing me and I was doing everything in my night to make the relationship work, meanwhile my mom was struggling. I don’t understand!

i feel so much blame and regret. I wish I could go back in time. I feel like I’ll always have this black cloud over my head. I’m done. I pray I can just fall asleep tonight. I cannot take anymore of these feelings.