I have done this often, not that it’s over explaining, but that monologue inside myself to have to explain why. Why. If At any given moment I am not performing to the extreme maximum that I “should be always performing. Whether that be at work or socially. I noticed that this is self-inflicted. I noticed that also sometimes when not realizing it is self-inflicted, the annoyance or frustration can be directed outwards being- annoyed at the other party, “gosh why do I always have to be so responsive to this person.” Well I don’t. Sure there are circumstances in which this is true, for example my mother. But that is not the reality of most people in life. Perhaps I am so programmed to have a knee-jerk over responsiveness because of course my mother trained me this way anything longer than a second to respond her wall was not even an option I wasn’t a responder I was actually an extension of her! Or so that was the role. most people are not bloodsucking for our time and energy, and if we give it away like that without then asking without a true need to… Well that is only a conversation we are having with our own self.  That is only something that I can redirect in my own self
I talk and think a lot about ”needing to do” and  guilt, however I don’t believe guilt is the right term for me nor is it responsibility nor is it duty, its a combination of all of this, over doing perhaps.  which  you actually understand without me trying to explain it in a concise word or phrase.   Which is a breath of fresh air!

I used to think that the concept of me putting this on myself was equal to self blaming. As in feeling that it was myself that was responsible for feeling guilty over these actions, because in reality there was no need for me to feel guilty it was self-inflicted. This felt like a self claim it felt like I was taking all of the responsibility and the outside world was taking none, and of course they should!

I used to think that it was equal to self shaming, or taking too much responsibility and not giving any to others. I can see this perspective I can see how this concept may seem like we only have ourselves to blame and not others. But now I see it as something different.

I now see it as that it’s not a blame game at all.

I have been raised to always have everything be a blame game. I didn’t think about this prior to this moment  I didn’t think about this prior to this moment.

Who’s fault is it? My mom would always say, always finding a fault in either herself or the other person.

It was either do I hate myself for this or do I hate the other person?

So from a young age I always look for fault, I always look for blame. I thought to myself is it me or is it her? Wow who is to blame, who should feel bad. Because of course  in any given situation someone must feel bad!

Am I angry at myself for this or am I angry at the other person?

Never was it, will that person was kind of annoying, but I also didn’t need to do XY or Z. Recognizing a molecule of flaw in the other party and also a molecule of flaw in yourself in that moment. It’s not inflicting for hatred on that person nor is it inflicting for hatred on yourself. It is not typecasting that person or their behavior as a certain thing nor is it on yourself. No one is to blame. Blame is not the goal, hate is not the goal<