Dear Anita,

Absolutely right,  I was not even introduced to three, I did not realize it existed, nor did I believe it (lets say last year as an adult) would be a feasible option. An “allowed” one.

It is exactly this, suffering, or inflicting.  It had to be this way – this was “resolution.”

Without realizing my “resolving” and coping mechanism had to do with coming to either one of these 2 choices.

so to answer your question, blame is not the goal – the goal is the following, I’ll give you an anecdote from my weekend:

I had a friend visiting from LA, he is a good friend from my training, and we are all apart of a larger group of friends from this time.  However, he and I have remained close over the years since, in a more personal way.  He often comes to me with advice, given that he is in his mid 30s, but quite a “late bloomer.” He is just beginning to date and explore parts of life that many of us started in college, and thus, he is in a different mental place than most of our group.

Anyway, he stayed over Thursday evening, my husband has also become friends with him.  I went off to work Friday and we all convened Friday night, a large group dinner and hangout.

Saturday morning I was very tired, I felt cranky, irritable, etc.  I thought about how my friend is childish.  He is akin to a 12 year old who shows up, stays over, leaves a mess and is off on his day.  You can’t blame the child, because you say he is a child, he doesn’t know better – but an adult? I started to think about this, and the more I thought the more I got agitated.  My goal of this anecdote isn’t to explain his behavior or exactly why – it is the following:

I wanted to blame him…but then I thought about it – I blamed myself.  CC you knew you may get annoyed, you didn’t have to be so involved.  Why did you sign up for that.

Then I took a moment, I thought to myself, blame him: annoying immature.  blame me: foolish, over-extender.

Neither is fact, neither is 100% true or relevant.  So before I wrote this passage to you I thought about the goal – the goal is to decrease suffering, to come to a conclusion that does not promote blame or hatred, but sees the situation for what it really is.  It is not the goal to find the “winner” the blame carrier.  There is no productivity in this, there is no learning, there is no growth, it is wasted suffering.

So I analyzed again.  I said,  he has some qualities that irk me, and I am sure I have qualities that irk him.  We are different people – we do not have to be the same.  We enjoy each others friendship, and that is fine.  It doesn’t have to be one extreme or another, love everything about someone or hate everything about them.  I don’t have to hate the evening we had, I don’t have to hate myself for attending our outing.  Did I have fun? Yes. So what is the problem.

See people for what they are, take ownership of what your expectations are, and where the person stands in reality.  Blaming them, causes suffering for me.  Blaming me, causes suffering for me.

You said to me a short while back, it is important for me to be a good person to my husband, not just for him, but for myself.

I asked why?

You answered, because in order for me to heal, I must believe I am a good person.

Similar, I must not create negativity – by blaming/hating the other person or myself.  There is no use in this, there is no gain from it.

So the goal is, option 3, reasonable analysis of the reality of the situation, and a reasonable view of yourself and the other party. It is maintaining myself as a good, calm person.  Not a hateful one.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by Cali Chica.