Dear Anita,

I wanted to add, as much as I do understand the win-win you refer to in your post – it is this exact thing that has also led me to distress.

I used this a lot with my sister, my whole life.  I used it some with other friends, here and there, old roommates for example.

Of course it is healthy communication between say a husband and wife.

But what has helped me more, is seeing people for who they are.  For example, my sister received a gift from my in laws, and made a strange comment (oh this purse doesn’t fit my style – remember that during Xmas).  I innately wanted to instruct her that this was an inappropriate comment, etc.  But I didn’t.  and  I saved SO SO much energy. I was glad, still am.

So I think it depends.  In a healthy win-win relationship, whether it is a colleague, or husband, whether it is an acquaintance or a close person – being open and instructing does help the win-win.

But with those people, who you know are quite different than yourself, in the way they process things, emotional intelligence etc, it has been quite helpful for me to accept and understand this before jumping to blame one way or the other.  In these scenarios – I hope this will remain my win-win.