Dear LianeGrech:

I will try to tell your story in my own words first in efforts to understand it: as a child, your father used to punish you for not doing well in school, verbally abusing you, calling you names. You suffered from depression and self doubt for many years, feeling insecure in social situations.

In 2015 you enrolled in nursing classes. Part of the studies was working at work stations. You were stationed with a girl called Yvonne who is 11 years younger than you. She had long black hair and pale skin and you had dark skin, “I’m rather dark and was bullied for that since childhood”. Yvonne  performed better than you at the station, and she wasn’t friendly to you and talked about you behind your back. Within a year of studying and working with her you developed “a deep jealousy towards her and felt inferior on looks and intelligence”.

At one point a new classmate joined the classes, Oliver, quiet and older than you, “the smartest in class”. Ivy, another woman in your class, was very friendly to you and tried to hook up you and Oliver. You weren’t interested in Oliver but you were flattered by her efforts because you didn’t consider yourself attractive and was “never approached by a guy”. But Oliver didn’t show interest in you.

Soon after, Yvonne started flirting with Oliver, she “would sit next to him asking bunch of questions.. coming to school in full make up and stylish clothes giving Oliver flirty eyes and being bold. Next, Ivy asked Oliver who he preferred, Yvonne or you and he said that he preferred Yvonne. Oliver responded well to Yvonne’s advances and you felt jealous, but you didn’t interfere. “I felt like the ugly duckling and undesirable”, you wrote.

In a meet up after school, you were a little drunk when Oliver arrived to the meet up. You were “in good spirits and very talkative!”. Oliver asked you to get away from the others and get ice cream. You and Oliver then talked a lot and got along great. The next day he texted you about meeting again. The two of you met in your place a couple of days later. “He made it clear that he liked me!”, you wrote. You felt shy and nervous  and you kissed him. Next the two of you had sex, something “which I normally wouldn’t do but I was probably desperate or something!”

Next, Oliver told you that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with you, that he was in love with you and so happy. He asked you to not break his heart. You felt cornered, wasn’t sure and “didn’t develop feelings”, but agreed to a relationship with you. You are currently in a two year relationship which you tried to break up many times “while he was crying and begging me not to leave him”. And yet, you “felt he wasn’t really interested in me and also I was very closed off from the beginning even before we got together”.

You felt guilty that you “hurt him that bad and couldn’t feel the same way”. You wished many times to feel love for him but couldn’t and “became even more depressed”.

“I just can’t bring myself to relax and let him in.. The ghost of Yvonne and what happened before still were in my head and I just couldn’t let it go! Even though we got together I couldn’t stop feeling like I was second choice and that it could easily be her if she was at the meet up”, you wrote.

In October 2018, you and Oliver went for a holiday in Greece but you couldn’t enjoy yourself and was depressed a lot. He tried “everything to cheer me up but I just got cold and angry”. He “got sad about it and cried”. During that holiday he texted his ex girlfriend telling her “how miserable he was, that I was unbearable and treated him bad and how he wished he could be with her fight now since he doesn’t feel loved by me”. Next, the two of you “got in a huge fight” and you “broke it off and he was devastated”.

Next, Oliver’s aunt called you suggesting the two of you go to couples therapy “to get to the root of things so that we can at least get closure”.

You didn’t attend couple therapy but soon you found out that you were pregnant. You were “too afraid to abort it so I just hoped for a miscarriage”. At this point you are 24 weeks pregnant, about six months pregnant, “and miserable I still can’t accept the child and I’m still miserable in the relationship but I don’t know what to do!”

“I feel like my life is worthless from the beginning! I think about my abusive dad and how that shaped me and my low self esteem and I get sad about my whole life wishing to be someone else!”

You feel guilty as well because you believe that Oliver started using drugs as a result of the troubled relationship with you. And you feel bad for “coming between him and Yvonne” because Yvonne told you that she was “very clingy and can’t be without a boyfriend like she would cry when she’s left  alone exactly like Oliver would cry when I would leave for work!” You figure they would have been “a perfect match since they don’t want to be alone ever!”

And now, my suggestions to you:

1. Make an appointment to see a counselor/ psychotherapist ASAP, that is, today! Attend individual counseling with a capable therapist for at least the next six months.

Within the counseling, you should get good guidance as to how to proceed. Maybe an adoption agency that has a good reputation can find a qualified person or a couple to adopt the baby.

After attending to the most pressing issue, your pregnancy, and after resolving the relationship with Oliver, then talk with the counselor about your childhood’s abuse.

2. End the relationship with Oliver for good, do not go back and forth with him anymore. Recommend to him, talk to his aunt maybe, about Oliver attending individual counseling/ psychotherapy ASAP.

— I was wondering, are you and Oliver in your early thirties? If Yvonne is 11 years younger than you and if the nursing school you attended is a school for adults, then she is at least 18, and you are maybe 29, and Oliver older than you?

anita