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Please I need help! I can’t deal anymore!

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  • #287617
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    please help me understand! I’m in the worst place in my life! It all started in 2015 when I enrolled for nursing classes! Back then and even now I was very insecure and I didn’t talk! I had a hard time being social and I have battled depression and self doubt for many years! When I would work at the station I didn’t know what to do and just walked along! I was afraid to fail and ask questions (guess it stems from my childhood when my dad would punish me for not doing good in school and would verbally abuse me and call me names)! I was stationed there with a girl from my class called Yvonne! She was doing so much better than me and was excellent in what she was doing! I was compared to her by coworkers and they would rather show her around! At first I didn’t think much of her, we would sit next to each other in class but she wouldn’t really talk to me and was rather cold! Even the guys at or class would compare us two! And in the span of a year I started to develop a deep jealousy towards her and felt inferior on looks and intelligence even! At the end of the second semester we got a new classmate named Oliver who was rather quiet and older than us! He was seated next to her! But back then I didn’t think much of it! I was too much in my head to worry about him and still very insecure! When the next semester came this girl in my class called Ivy wanted to sit next to me and Oliver( since he was the smartest in class and she liked me so she wanted to sit between us) oliver and I really didn’t talk to each other and I perceived him as rather quiet but nice not much more! We just didn’t vibe well! Him and Ivy were the ones getting along really well! Weeks passed and she would come up to me telling me that she asked Oliver (who was single for awhile) of he could see himself dating me and he said yes! As my friend she was rather excited and wanted to hook us up! I on the other hand was taken back and surprised! I didn’t even think of him I’m that way! And I told her that I couldnt really see is Date since we don’t really vibe and click in that way! He always seemed disinterested and O had a hard time talking to him! Also in the back of my mind I thought there was no way that a guy like him would really want to date me( I didn’t consider myself that attractive because I was never approached by a guy and he really didn’t show interest and approached me) so I dismissed the thought even though I told a close girlfriend of mine because I couldn’t believe it and I was secretly flattered! Well the next day Yvonne ( who was dumped by her boyfriend not long ago) started to talk to Oliver out of nowhere and would sit next to him asking bunch of questions! It was weird to me and ivy since she wasn’t really talking to him before and was crying about her ex not long ago! So I told ivy it seems like Yvonne has a crush on Oliver and Ivy was dismissing this at first! So the following week we watched Yvonne coming to school in full make up and stylish clothes giving Oliver flirty eyes and being bold so Ivy was asking Oliver who he liked now! If it was me or her! He answered saying he preferred her! So I was hurt since I wasn’t secure anyway and now I lost again! Ivy couldn’t understand since she didn’t find Yvonne attractive and was kinds trying to talk Oliver out of perusing Yvonne! Telling him she’s too young and if he’s seriously attracted to her he needed to check his eyesight! To be honest she didn’t have a pretty face but nice long hair and a nice butt! She also isn’t the nicest and talked bad behind my back so I didn’t like her anyways! But the jealousy would rise again and I felt hurt watching Oliver pursuing her, asking her out and complimenting her! At that point it was obvious that he wanted her and she kinda seemed interested and played along! She would text him and ask him for help and he gladly replied! At this point I was convinced he would get with her because I saw moments where the two of them would get along well and vibe! I on the other hand felt jealous and didn’t want them to get together but I didn’t interfere and just held back since it was obvious who he liked! He would ask ivy how he was really attracted to her but was unsure about it since she is 11 years younger!     But he still would stare at her all the time, try talking to her and be close to her it seemed like he was fixated on her while I felt like the ugly duckling and undesirable! A week later some classmates organized a meet up after school to hang out and we both went! No ivy and no Yvonne! And he sat next to me! I arrived earlier and was a little drunk when he arrived! On the way I secretly hoped he was coming too!So I was in good spirits and very talkative! We would talk and all of a sudden he asked me if we could get away from the others and invited me to get ice cream I was happy so I went along! We talked about everything and got along great!so late at night we said goodbye and I went home! The next day he would text me asking me if we could meet again and I was surprised and unsure because I didn’t know how to feel! I said yes anyway and we met up a couple days later! Til then I was very nervous, kinda excited but very unsure! I didn’t even know if I liked him like that! He on the other hand would text me everyday til the meet up! So we met up at my place and we were both kinda shy but talked a lot! He made it clear that he liked me!At some point I just kissed him( i didn’t know what was coming over me, I guess I was just nervous and felt the tension so I just did it) later that night we slept together which I normally wouldn’t do but I was probably desperate or something! After that he wanted to be in a serious relationship and I felt like I was cornered but agreed even though O knew I wasn’t sure and didn’t develop feelings! He told me that he was in love with me and felt so happy and asked me not to break his heart so I was too scared to tell him that I wasn’t sure! So two years later it and we are still in it but I tried to break it off many times while he was crying and begging me not to leave him! But I just wasn’t sure and couldn’t connect to him since I felt he wasn’t really interested in me and also I was very closed off from the beginning even before we got together because I was hurt and kinda put off! But I looked for reasons to break it off but he wouldn’t accept it and breaking down! Since I didn’t have relationship experience and never had a guy cry over me and cling to me like that I felt guilty that I hurt him that bad and couldn’t feel the same way! It led to me questioning myself and if I was a robot that couldn’t feel love! I wished many times to change  for him and became even more depressed! When I became distant he wanted to get closer but I noticed that all of it took a toll on him but he wouldn’t talk about it and tried to hold on to me! With time I got more insecure and afraid to break it off for good out of fear to never find someone that could love me! Oliver treats me good, he’s very loving toward me and tries too make me happy while I can’t do the same for him! I just can’t bring myself to relax and let him in! I build a wall from the beginning! The ghost of Yvonne and what happened before still were in my head and I just couldn’t let it go! Even though we got together I couldn’t stop feeling like I was second choice and that it could easily be her if she was at the meet up! He would still stare at her and would tell me later that he had a crush on her the first moment he saw her because of her long black hair and pale skin! She reminded him of Snow White and he loved Snow White since he was a child so that revelation broke me because I don’t look nothing like that! I’m rather dark and was bullied for that since childhood so I’m very insecure about my looks! So the fact that she was definitely his ideal type I felt hurt and inferior again and tried to break it off again but he tried too convince me that he only loves me but I can’t let it go! I became distant and depressed and was in my head a lot drowning in self doubt! Last year in October we went for a holiday to Greece but I couldn’t enjoy myself and was depressed a lot! He would try everything to cheer me up but I just got cold and angry! He got sad about it and cried! Later I found out that he texted his ex girlfriend telling her how miserable he was, that I was unbearable and treated him bad and how he wished he could be with her right now since he doesn’t feel loved by me! I got very angry and was disappointed that he wouldn’t tell me but he said he was afraid of how I would react since I was closed off all the time! We got in a huge fight and I broke it off and he was devastated! After the holiday his aunt would call me trying to convince me to not make a final decision and try to go to couples therapy to get to the root of things so that we can at least get closure! So we met up and tried to talk it out but never went to therapy! At the same time I found out that I was pregnant and even though I knew I didn’t want it I was too afraid too abort it so I just hoped for a miscarriage ( I know horrible and I hate myself for thinking that way) fast forward I am now 24 weeks pregnant and miserable I still can’t accept the child and I’m still miserable in the relationship but I don’t know what to do! Oliver still tries to hold on but I Gabe up long ago! Now I’m sitting here crying typing those words! My depression got so bad I think about suicide everyday but I can’t talk to nobody since I don’t want to worry my mom( who said from the beginning that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t love him but I hoped that it would change) I am just so mad at myself for getting to this place and thinking about how my life went and how miserable I was all along! I feel like my life is worthless from the beginning! I think abou my abusive dad and how that shaped me and my low self esteem and I get sad about my whole life wishing to be someone else! Someone who’s better looking and more accepted and loved in this world! I feel pathetic and I can’t do this anymore! Please someone shed light! I apologize for this long text but these are words I never spoke or wrote down! So I feel better about releasing it in some form and hope that you can find understanding in your heart and don’t judge me! Thank you in advance.

    #287627
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Also:

    Everyday I feel guilt because he also started using drugs and I feel it’s because he couldn’t cope but he wouldn’t tell me! I also feel guilty because I think that I took away the chance for him to find true love and took away the chance for him to find happiness and what he truly wants! I feel bad for coming between him and Yvonne since it looked like they had natural chemistry and she was genuinely interested! Also they had a Lot in common like doing sports! And she told me she’s very clingy and can’t be without a boyfriend like she would cry when she’s left alone exactly like Oliver would cry when I would leave for work! So this makes me think they have the same attachment style and would be a perfect match since they don’t want to be alone ever! I feel bad for not being the right one! And these thoughts kill me! 

    #287677
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LianeGrech:

    I will try to tell your story in my own words first in efforts to understand it: as a child, your father used to punish you for not doing well in school, verbally abusing you, calling you names. You suffered from depression and self doubt for many years, feeling insecure in social situations.

    In 2015 you enrolled in nursing classes. Part of the studies was working at work stations. You were stationed with a girl called Yvonne who is 11 years younger than you. She had long black hair and pale skin and you had dark skin, “I’m rather dark and was bullied for that since childhood”. Yvonne  performed better than you at the station, and she wasn’t friendly to you and talked about you behind your back. Within a year of studying and working with her you developed “a deep jealousy towards her and felt inferior on looks and intelligence”.

    At one point a new classmate joined the classes, Oliver, quiet and older than you, “the smartest in class”. Ivy, another woman in your class, was very friendly to you and tried to hook up you and Oliver. You weren’t interested in Oliver but you were flattered by her efforts because you didn’t consider yourself attractive and was “never approached by a guy”. But Oliver didn’t show interest in you.

    Soon after, Yvonne started flirting with Oliver, she “would sit next to him asking bunch of questions.. coming to school in full make up and stylish clothes giving Oliver flirty eyes and being bold. Next, Ivy asked Oliver who he preferred, Yvonne or you and he said that he preferred Yvonne. Oliver responded well to Yvonne’s advances and you felt jealous, but you didn’t interfere. “I felt like the ugly duckling and undesirable”, you wrote.

    In a meet up after school, you were a little drunk when Oliver arrived to the meet up. You were “in good spirits and very talkative!”. Oliver asked you to get away from the others and get ice cream. You and Oliver then talked a lot and got along great. The next day he texted you about meeting again. The two of you met in your place a couple of days later. “He made it clear that he liked me!”, you wrote. You felt shy and nervous  and you kissed him. Next the two of you had sex, something “which I normally wouldn’t do but I was probably desperate or something!”

    Next, Oliver told you that he wanted to be in a serious relationship with you, that he was in love with you and so happy. He asked you to not break his heart. You felt cornered, wasn’t sure and “didn’t develop feelings”, but agreed to a relationship with you. You are currently in a two year relationship which you tried to break up many times “while he was crying and begging me not to leave him”. And yet, you “felt he wasn’t really interested in me and also I was very closed off from the beginning even before we got together”.

    You felt guilty that you “hurt him that bad and couldn’t feel the same way”. You wished many times to feel love for him but couldn’t and “became even more depressed”.

    “I just can’t bring myself to relax and let him in.. The ghost of Yvonne and what happened before still were in my head and I just couldn’t let it go! Even though we got together I couldn’t stop feeling like I was second choice and that it could easily be her if she was at the meet up”, you wrote.

    In October 2018, you and Oliver went for a holiday in Greece but you couldn’t enjoy yourself and was depressed a lot. He tried “everything to cheer me up but I just got cold and angry”. He “got sad about it and cried”. During that holiday he texted his ex girlfriend telling her “how miserable he was, that I was unbearable and treated him bad and how he wished he could be with her fight now since he doesn’t feel loved by me”. Next, the two of you “got in a huge fight” and you “broke it off and he was devastated”.

    Next, Oliver’s aunt called you suggesting the two of you go to couples therapy “to get to the root of things so that we can at least get closure”.

    You didn’t attend couple therapy but soon you found out that you were pregnant. You were “too afraid to abort it so I just hoped for a miscarriage”. At this point you are 24 weeks pregnant, about six months pregnant, “and miserable I still can’t accept the child and I’m still miserable in the relationship but I don’t know what to do!”

    “I feel like my life is worthless from the beginning! I think about my abusive dad and how that shaped me and my low self esteem and I get sad about my whole life wishing to be someone else!”

    You feel guilty as well because you believe that Oliver started using drugs as a result of the troubled relationship with you. And you feel bad for “coming between him and Yvonne” because Yvonne told you that she was “very clingy and can’t be without a boyfriend like she would cry when she’s left  alone exactly like Oliver would cry when I would leave for work!” You figure they would have been “a perfect match since they don’t want to be alone ever!”

    And now, my suggestions to you:

    1. Make an appointment to see a counselor/ psychotherapist ASAP, that is, today! Attend individual counseling with a capable therapist for at least the next six months.

    Within the counseling, you should get good guidance as to how to proceed. Maybe an adoption agency that has a good reputation can find a qualified person or a couple to adopt the baby.

    After attending to the most pressing issue, your pregnancy, and after resolving the relationship with Oliver, then talk with the counselor about your childhood’s abuse.

    2. End the relationship with Oliver for good, do not go back and forth with him anymore. Recommend to him, talk to his aunt maybe, about Oliver attending individual counseling/ psychotherapy ASAP.

    — I was wondering, are you and Oliver in your early thirties? If Yvonne is 11 years younger than you and if the nursing school you attended is a school for adults, then she is at least 18, and you are maybe 29, and Oliver older than you?

    anita

    #289953
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes! So I’m 27 and Oliver is 33! Yvonne is 22 now but at the time she was 19!

     

    I tried to get an appointment but I won’t get one in the next 6 months because of high demand and them not having the capacity! So I’m on my own now!

    And I thought about adoption but my mom especially gets so sad because she’s really excited for the baby and I feel responsible for it even though I can’t accept!

     

    and also I know deep down that I don’t want to be with Oliver anymore but I still hope for a change and I’m very attached so on the flipside I don’t want to let him go!

     

    #289959
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LianeGrech:

    There is something you can do today and from this day onward, without going to counseling and that is- stop mistreating Oliver!

    You have to stop mistreating this man no matter what and how you feel.

    Can you do that?

    anita

    #289963
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I really try and I think I can do it! I feel like I tried to punish him for my misery and projected a lot of my insecurities!

     

    but please what do you think is really going on?

    why am I in this situation and what is it really that’s wrong? I am open for criticism

    #289965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LianeGrech:

    “what do you think is really going on?”

    1. You are pregnant, 26 weeks if I am correct.

    2. You have this belief deep inside you that you are not worth much, that you are less worthy than other women, that you are inferior. This belief is causing you a lot of pain and it fuels your envy of Yvonne. It also fuels your distrust of Oliver’s love for you- you figure he must be worthless for loving someone as.. worthless as you. So you treat him accordingly, as if he was worthless too.

    Do you think that I am correct?

    Other questions:

    – what is your current relationship with your father who used to verbally abuse you, calling you names and punishing you? How did he punish you?

    and with your mother who didn’t stop your father from calling you names?

    anita

    #289967
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes you are very correct!

    so since I moved out 4 years ago Me and my father are normal with each other! He’s nicer to me because we don’t see each other that often! But I witness him being very frustrated with my brother and sister who he verbally insults everyday! I know that he is very unhappy and he feels like he sacrificed his career to be a father and now has to work a shitty job to survive instead of living his dream of becoming an engineer! And he always let his frustration out on us! That’s why my mother defends him and says to me that I should accept him and that I can’t change him and that he’s worked really hard to provide for us! But yeah we don’t have a father and daughter relationship! We’re not close and probably never will

    #289969
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LianeGrech:

    I will be away from the computer for an hour or so and will read and reply to you when I am back.

    anita

    #289983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear LianeGretch:

    Your father verbally abused you when you lived with him and your mother allowed it.

    Your father is currently abusing your brother and sister who live with him (“I witness him being very frustrated with my brother and sister who he verbally insults everyday!”). Your mother allows him too and defends him.

    Your mother is excited about your baby, I suppose she wants to spend time with your baby/ growing child in her home sometimes, maybe even full time-

    – it is a bad, bad idea because your father will abuse your child too, just like he abused you and is abusing your siblings. And your mother will allow it and defend your him.

    Don’t put your baby in that situation!

    Please consider adoption: your parents are a bad choice for taking care of your child and you and your boyfriend are quite a mess.

    Go to an agency that will help you find a place for your baby, to be adopted. Do all you can do to see to it that the agency or service you use to find adoptive parents for your child is a reputable and ethical agency.

    Think of this as well: you were abused by your father and you proceeded to abuse your boyfriend, simply because you can. It will be an even more terrible thing if you proceeded to abuse your own child, simply because your child is weak and dependent.

    I will next be away from the computer for about 18 hours. Please take best care of yourself, do not abuse your boyfriend no matter how you feel, and find an adoption agency for your child.

    * Let me know if you can think of other possible solutions that didn’t occur to me yet.

    I hope to read from you when I return and will reply to you then.

    anita

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