Dear Anita;

I do know what you mean by the softness, in fact about two years ago when I first started speaking to you I did have a degree of softness, perhaps this was softness interlaced with blindness. But more softness nonetheless. I remember feeling quite bad for my mother, quite sad, feeling that her life and her circumstances were unfortunate, and of course it was my duty to alleviate her suffering as much as possible. As time went on the alleviation duty subsided as I realize this was an impossible goal. And with that said the softness, and someways I felt like I had to be angry and hate my mother to be able to move forward but in other ways I see how this led to a lack of softness overall. I can’t say I truly hate my mother right now, I honestly feel a little more and different than anything, hate is a strong term. I will say though that in general when I think about my mother or any people that are similar, narcissistic, selfish, not self-aware, using others to get ahead, stomping on people to feel better about their own self, I am filled with anger and frustration. Even one small thing is,, a fun being flaky, or some small circumstances that I have talk to you about hearing for over the last year, it’s never a place of softness he usually comes from a place of hardness.

At this exact moment my parents are out of the question, and renewing contact with him is not in the realm of options, not because I am not allowing it, but more because their existence no longer fully occurs to me. I think that your concern is valid, the concern that if softnesses front back, it will motivate recontact, it will motivate renewed relationships. But I do know in my heart that this is not the case. I know one thing for sure I have so much healing to do, I know that I still suffer day in and day out, but I also know that the journey and the healing path is relatively new. I don’t have any expectations outside what I am experiencing now, I am humbled by the journey.

I know I have to access softness. And I know it is not simply uncovering a blanket of hardness and finding soft. Just like that. Nope.

I know that simply non attack of my husband is not enough  – I know it is simply not enough and there is so much missing. True empathy love and softness is missing within me. I know it.

I’ve asked you in the past, I’ve asked you many things, but I remember asking you am I just like my mother, perhaps I am self-centered and selfish. Perhaps I am not capable of true love for another. We went back and forth about this for some time. And we concluded that what I am missing is that softness. It comes up there again.

The truth is that I am not worried about renewing contact with my parents.  It is not because I am aloof and unaware of the possibility  It is also not because I am naïve to what uncovering softness may lead to. It is because I know that this is the next step of my journey, not because I am hoping to conquer it as an achievement. It is because I know that it is necessary for my growth personally and as a wife. I will not survive the trips and tribulations of life if I lead with hardness. “Survival” living is not the goal. To sink and savor. To love and feel. Is the goal. I am so incredibly hardened that I may not even realize it. But I am slowly. Today. And I know that nothing will get in my way in the next step of my journey. I also know that I have love and empathy deep down inside. Even for my mother and slowly I, we will uncover it. For the greatness of all.

I would like to continue with our dialogue when you feel you would like as well