Dear Anita,

You asked: Did she experience that softness we’ve been discussing as she interacted with her husband, with you, later, with your younger sister… did she experience softness with anyone, longer than a fleeting moment here and there, perhaps?

No she did not. But I will say I mistook her “emotionality” and “hysteria” for softness.  I did until the age of 30 or so.

I thought it was softness, my mom feels more than the average person, cares more, loves more.  That’s why she’s so involved and gets so hurt.  I recall her being distraught when I or my sister did not get invited to a birthday party.  Going on and on.  I felt sad, I thought wow how sad that those people didn’t invite me.  I saw how much my mother “cared” which made me MORE sad.  I saw it as my mother sees the truth, that others don’t.

My mother’s quote forever was – “I have a clean heart.” That people with a clean heart feel more, and other’s don’t like the “dirty truth.” She would be enraged if someone didn’t take her truth as real.  She would exclaim that the other party was fake and not caring.  They do not have a clean heart – they can’t handle the dirty truth.

I recall going to friends houses, and lets say the mom there was nice to us, made us a nice meal.  I would come home and share this with my mother.  Her response would be: oh well that mother doesn’t have to do any work, that’s why she does all that.  American people have dirty houses and don’t clean, so they can run around playing all day.  Look at me, who helps me do anything around here? Your dad?! no way! other mothers are so lucky their husbands help them at home with housework. I have nothing, I’m just the slave.

so where did it go? my story of having a nice day at my friend’s house…it disappeared – didn’t it?

but let’s tell the story again, with another outcome (the unpredictability that is my mother). I tell her what a great day I had at my friend’s house and how her mom did things for us.

My mother’s response: “oh that’s amazing.  see how important it is to have good friends.  see you are lucky you have good company.  keep this good friend.  I always tell your sister, look at CC how many friends she has – always going somewhere.”

so CC mental response: stay occupied, it is good, mother says so, more the better, seek seek seek, which means happy (makes mom happy)