Dear Anita

One more thing – it Just came to me – this exercise is bringing up many things to surface, it is bringing up how absolutely sick and tired I am of other people’s crap quite bluntly – I haven’t admitted this out loud in a long time if ever.

So you know what Anita,

I think it is annoying my sister lives in the same city as me.  Even if I don’t talk to her everyday it is annoying, its like she is always there in the background wanting to play, and I simply am too sick and tired of it.

see this comes up at a time when my sister has not really done anything wrong, and our interactions have been more superficial, meeting at the dog park from time to time.  she doesnt ask anything of me, or really ask to spend time together.  since the winter our relationship has taken a huge amount of space.

so in a way – I feel almost guilty saying this, but this is what came up – so I wrote it down, as it is important – everything that comes up during this exercise I will observe.

So yes, it is annoying she lives here – I already have trouble focusing inward, and the last thing I need is for any other thing to make it more difficult.  Yes it is on me, and my choice. but her mere presence on the other side of town feels onerous, today. even if I don’t see her.

i am sick and tired Anita of everyone else, of making mom happy, making that stupid woman happy who is unable to be happy.  for spending an entire lifetime running and chasing, constantly on the tracks of the marathon constantly.  thinking I get breaks, vacation, here and there – nope – no breaks ever.  my entire mind has been on the race track – no wonder I always say, no matter what – I feel the same.  Because it is the same.  It is always making the mother happy.

Well what did we say – lets starve the mother voice.  Perhaps for now starving the mother voice means not giving it its food (social interaction) telling it to shut up and sit alone for a bit