Dear Anita,

Again I am so sorry for the delay in my response. Working 3 jobs now. Honestly not sure if I am doing it just for the saving benefits or because I am running away from myself. Thank you SOOOO much for your last post. I wish I could hug you because you sometimes save me from my thoughts. You are so wise and I am grateful. I am feeling much better since that night I wrote you but I won’t lie I still ponder my mom and the guilt but I resort back to things I know are true and have screenshots of what you write and it helps me calm down.

In response to your post back on 3/27, I’ll give you an update to where I am at. I am still saving. And doing very well at it even with my slight shopping addiction as of late. I am up to 7500 in savings. I am not giving it away or even pondering it. I am so thankful to have had the courage to save this and actually believe that I can afford a down payment and attempt to accomplish this huge goal for myself of owning a small condo. It makes me feel so good because this time last year I couldn’t imagine believing in myself this way. I do feel good enough for goals!!

I am learning that I have to get away from the drops of love I receive from family. I have accepted that but having a hard time doing it. Lately family has given me some help, atleast being with them. I am still not in much contact with my brother Daniel (the one we refer to as my younger brother but he is older.) It is hurting me though Anita. I love that boy. He has always been by my side. We both weren’t taught correctly how to love ourselves or others. I have deep empathy for him and know his heart is good. I think I am going to ask him to dinner and tell him how I feel about him giving me drops of love and neglecting me in my time of need. I don’t wish to have the same relationship we had but I would like to be on talking terms with him. I love him, him and his daughter are two of the people I love most in this world. Some days I think I need to be strong enough to love myself and make new relationships but still have to do with my family. Because I know should I ever be desperate and need help my family will be there. Any one of them. I just need to learn to heal from codependency and realize I can have my own life and beliefs and still love family from a distance. What do you think?

Also regarding my ex, you are very right. Lately, even though I think of him often, I have no urge to reach out or even know how he is doing. I am on a journey healing myself and that is most important. It does hurt me that we are all suffering though. No one is perfect, which is hard for me to accept because I always try to be. That is something I have been struggling with as well but that is for another day. As well as all the insight I have been having about my mothers life and all the good things I learned from her.

I have been a ball of emotions lately. I have been up and down but am happy with myself because I have been strong and staying on track regardless. I have been so consistent. I am proud of myself.