Dear Anita,

My mother tried desperately to make the sadness to go away, today my mind is quite clear and focused, so I will organize my thoughts as such, she did the following:

• distracted, in the years after CC was a child, mother turned into level 2, the angry rage, revengeful, spiteful phase.
  • during this time she would distract. hastily sign up for a yoga pass, not for a day or week, but for months, only to come home and say ‘oh its not for me, or oh its beginner and I’m more advanced, etc, excuses” and not be able to commit or follow through.  she would go on vacation after vacation, running chasing, she would make random friends and try to go on trips with them, seeking, finding a way – as “she suffered her whole life, it is her right now to enjoy!!”
• projecting
  • she projected her sadness onto us, (me) and so I could “carry it for her.” Here she would say – take my sadness, it is too much of a burden for me to bear.  she would be proud in how much her daughters felt for her, see – who else is there for me, look how much they feel for their poor mother.  never ever once thinking, perhaps i should protect my daughters from sadness, and not pass it along.
• she would attempt to “reason” and “bargain” with herself
  • she would convince herself her life isn’t so bad after all.  “see look at how much we have, why would we ever be sad!” we are foolish to be sad – people don’t even have one of these things.  see how lucky I am.  look at my husband, he is so supportive and he is my best friend.  everywhere I want to go – he goes with me.  everyday on the way to work he calls me for the whole commute.  who would do that? most of these women, their husbands don’t even talk to them! they all sleep in separate rooms