Dear Anita,

Thank you. you know, when you first brought up this exercise, I thought about how I don’t have a good memory of chilldhood.  But then I realize, the idea of whether I was exactly 5, or 7, or whatever age is not as important, as knowing it was when I was a child.  Today, when I answered your last question, somehow after I submitted, it opened up a flow of more thoughts, and then again after submitting. it felt good to explore this, and explain it to you – writing from that first perspective as a child, and not as the past. I think this is quite important..

I re-read your first post to me today, and the key point being–no matter what I do, where I go, it is the others that are the lucky ones.  how lucky for them to be happy. if only I could be like them, but alas I can not.

now whether these people are doing something I have interest in (perhaps finding a good guy to marry) or no interest in (moving to Florida) – its all in the same.  this is interesting, it truly does not matter what it is the other person is doing/granted/achieving – it is that they are CONTENT. so as a result I envy their contentment.  It is a wanting of that satisfaction and contentment (where it comes from is not the focus, and easily glanced over).

“oh look at her, how luckky she is to find a great guy who treats her so good.” — devils advocate would say, hmm but CC would you even like a guy like that? doesn’t matter – llook how happy SHE is – if only I could be happy like that.

“Look at that job they got, oh how smart they are to move away and go to a place good for doctors.” —well do you even want to move to Florida?

point of the matter is, they are doing this, and they are content they are happy. they are CAPABLE OF BEING HAPPY. and that is remarkable, enviable, and oh so sooo unattainable.  oh how! how to be happy like this!! maybe, oh if only maybe, I had what they have? will that do it? but wait I got that- still not happy…hmm–well then maybe I need more!!? maybe something else now? yes probably, well keep on digging.