Dear IpkR09,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

I hope that by telling you of my situation you might find some answers to yours.

My sister is very similar to yours. She is jealous of me for the same reasons that your sister is. I am a high achiever and she has always found it extremely difficult to cope with that. I couldn’t understand why for a long time why she couldn’t just be happy for me, as I was when she achieved things in her life – but always the competition, the misunderstandings, the arguments, the denigration – and the eventual discards. She also deprived me of my friends wherever that was possible, especially in my teenage years, but in later life as well.

We spent a few years not really speaking. But like yourself, it was usually me who made the first move towards making it up, whether it was my fault or not.. it usually wasn’t my fault. But I did it anyway, for exactly the same reason that you do – ‘ because i feel someone has to(we are siblings after all) and i know she wouldn’t…’.

I was also brought up by my grandparents most of the time, and they taught me that I should always love my little sister (she is younger than me by just under three years) no matter what she did. That I should forgive her, no matter what she did. I think that bit got ingrained into my psyche at a very early age. My sister, meanwhile, learned from an early age, that whatever she did to me, it didn’t matter. She would always be forgiven, and not just by me, but by the family. I learned that it didn’t matter what my own needs were, as my sister’s needs were always much more important than mine. She shouted the loudest!

So fast forward to this year. We have had some pretty important decisions to make concerning our mother. My sister still makes the decisions. She will ask me what I think, but my answers are not important to her. If I agree with what she says, then everything is fine. If I don’t agree, then I get the arguments, the trantrums, the dismissal of my views and the discards.

I eventually came to the understanding, (with Anita’s help for some of this thinking – and thanking her again for this!) that nothing was ever going to change. Especially my sister. But more importantly, any change would have to come about by me changing, not my sister.

I eventually realised that I needed to give myself permission to break free from the constrictions that had been imposed/ingrained on me at an early age. We are both a lot older now. I’m now in my 60s. I have mentally broken free of my sister and no longer feel any need to be the first to make up after arguments. In fact, we no longer have arguments, because I won’t even discuss anything with her… there is simply no point. I have given myself permission to put myself first, and part of that is to not engage with her if at all possible. Before this came about, I spent a lot of time either feeling guilty or feeling angry and resentful towards her. Now I have given myself permission to put myself first, things are a lot better. If she ends up not speaking to me, I don’t react. I certainly don’t apologise or creep like I used to. No more the doormat!

You don’t need your sister’s permission to do anything. You can actually go out with whoever you like. You can live your life for yourself and – most importantly – your needs are as valid as your sisters.

Even though our different cultures might have a separate bearing on this, it seems some sisters are the same wherever in the world we live.

I hope sharing my story gives you a little insight into your own sister. And I repeat – you don’t need her permission to live your own life. You don’t need anybody’s permission if you are over the age of consent. It sounds like this man is genuine and caring, and has some insight into how to move forward towards a future together, whilst being respectful of your culture and a need to get things right. Although I agree with what you say:

Also, he feels this period will help us convince our parents and my sister in particular that we are mature enough to not think emotionally but logically. I am not very mature in this aspect and apart from making my parents unhappy, I feel I need not give anybody any explanation.

I also think you don’t need to give anybody an explanation. But that fact that he is willing to try and work around this, does indeed show maturity.

With best wishes,

Jay