so I am back to the forum.

6 months after my break up… it was a three-year relationship, I was finally happy and content with myself.

It took me 5 months to realize that the old relationship was pretty much dead to the point that when my ex came back and asked to get back together, I declined. I wanted a fresh start, I wanted a chance to see and feel like myself again- strong and confident.

And it did happen.

I was on a vacation with my sister and two of her friends. One of them… I was attracted to him but since he was from my sister’s circle, I thought I would rather not indulge. But as we got to know each other more and more throughout the vacation, I felt we were very very similar and very compatible. Back from the vacation, we texted a little…… I was in the same city as him… I was living with my sister.

And one day when drunk, he texted me that he had a crush on me and although he tried containing it. He wasn’t successful at it. Next day he apologized repeatedly, I told him its fine and we were back to normal terms. one day towards the end of the week, we were texting more than regular and it came out again. I told him I had a crush on him as well. He asked me out on a date and I agreed.

We had a wonderful time, it was just food and talking but there was an undeniable connection. when he dropped me back, he said since he is in my sister’s friend circle (there are not close)  so he would like to first ask her and then take me out the next time. I know my sister better than he does so I said why don’t go out a little more before deciding to talk to her, talking to her would mean officially starting something. he agreed.

Over the course of three weeks, we went out on 8 dates and each one of them was quite successful in establishing the fact that there is something between us.

I was leaving for my home a day after so I told him that this might be the time to ask my sister. If she disagrees even then, I would not face any emotional stress. I don’t have a very good relationship with my sister, it has never been great. I do love her but I have always felt that I have sacrificed a lot for her, She, however, thinks that all that I sacrificed was her right and so I did nothing for her at all. Instead, she feels it is her duty to advise me and to steer me on the right path because I am a child. She never approved of any of my past relationships. None of them, she said were appropriate for me and I understand that She was just being a caring sister but I, as a rule, don’t interfere with her life, comment on her relationships or career options. And I wish she would give me the same space and respect. I warned this guy too that due to such reasons, there will be a lot of drama and stress. He said He would handle everything as he knows my sister too as a friend and she is kind and reasonable.

so he asked her.

my sister agreed when she talked to him and asked him to call me directly and ask me out this evening. In my sister’s knowledge, I hadn’t gone out with him even once. Once she got off the call with him, She asked to deny his date request when he calls. She did not want me to go out with him because he smoked and was a usual drinker(every weekend). I told her that I like him too and that I want to go out with him. Before all this, before the vacation, when she has suggested that her friends should join us on the trip, she appreciated this guy a lot. I had met him only once that time and I was attracted to him then as well but then it wasn’t a well-informed attraction. Now suddenly she changed her entire opinion about him and told me how bad he was and how many women he had dated etc. (He had been honest about everything with me, drinking smoking, women, his two exes, everything)

I wasn’t convinced by my sister’s reaction and so I said I am not a kid and I would go out. At this point, I must you I am an Indian girl and parents and siblings play an important role in our lives… so my sister called my mother (unnecessary move to involve them when it was just dating) and painted the worst kind of image of the guy. My mother who was around 1800ish km away from me got scared and asked me to not do anything and stay inside and make peace with my sister. I was leaving the next day, so I packed my bags after making peace with my sister. I asked the guy to not text or call till I left for the airport the next day. We met at the airport the next day. There was a little stress in both our minds but when we met, there was nothing but an unspoken emotion. He was sad that I was leaving and just said that the distance, me being away, won’t make a difference. we did not acknowledge or say anything emotional but I could see in his eyes that he felt deeply for me. As for me, I was still figuring out what I felt.

When I came back home, through one of their mutual friends, she got to know that we (he and I) were talking on texts and calls. My sister called to confirm and I didn’t deny. I was fed up of all the stress hiding things was creating.  I genuinely felt relieved that everyone knew. My sister knew and to deter me, told my parents. who unlike her are cool about me and my choices. Seeing that they weren’t convinced, over the period of next one month, She poisoned their minds against me in general and then against the guy. I pleaded to my parents to not think about it all since it’s so stupid to bother about such things, they agreed but asked me to stop talking so that I can concentrate on my coming masters’ final year exams. I agreed but I wasn’t able to cut the contact. For everyone else, we had stopped talking. while all this was happening at my home, my sister ruined his reputation amongst his friends, their mutual friends, and his flatmates. He was stressed and although he did not say it, I felt it in his tone.

Now he had to hide from his flatmates to even call me in the evenings (we strictly never talked during his office hours). The result was that I asked him to not call me but only text, but he always ended up calling. He said voice calls, video calls, and pictures were the only way he could feel my presence. But his flatmates started teasing him to the point that he was irritated all the time. Finally today evening, he said that he wanted to talk to me.

I said yes let’s talk.  He told me that he was already stressed on the work front and his flatmates were making life difficult at home too. He told me that he quit smoking and its been a month since he stopped. And that he is planning to leave drinking frequently as well in the new year. I said its all great, he said I motivated him to do it, my presence makes him feel like being a better man for me. I was touched obviously. Then he said that although these changes have happened, he wants to switch to a better company and be healthier, work out regularly and invest his time in prepping for interviews of this big IT company that will pay him a better salary. I said that is good, how do you want me to help. He said He wants me to concentrate on my studies so that I am able to do well and ensure my admission to a good college for my further studies (Ph.D.) next year on. He said he does not feel ethically right to be hiding our relationship from everyone and also talking when I told my parents that I won’t. He said we should take a break for the next 6 months and focus entirely on ourselves so that He is able to switch his job and I get into a good college and after these 6 months, he wants to come and meet me wherever I am and talk about the future. He then told me that he loved me and that he sees a potential partner in me (he even told his parents about me). I didn’t know what to say so I asked him if he took any breaks in his past relationships, to which he said that he never felt the need to improve for them. But for me, he wants to improve and show everyone that I brought a positive change in his life, just as he feels. I was just getting attached and did not know what to do. I said I don’t like ambiguity so it’s either a clean breakup or a relationship… I suggested we can talk less but he said it will break our motivation. Here we are working hard just to be together, if we are already secure in our minds that we are together, we will not work hard. I said okay … I was lost for words. He then said please understand this We are not single but we are not necessarily committed as well… I was confused… He explained he meant that we are not single to date others but we are not committed because it will bring security that will make us complacent.

Once the phone call ended, I realized I might have been feeling a deep emotion for him too. And his presence brought many positive changes in me as well and that I do want to succeed as well but Currently I have no idea how to process everything. There is this fear in me, 6 months is a long time… what if we change…

I have met many men in my life, even my ex but this level of compatibility was never present with any of them. I mean, as a rule, I have never been able to comprehend the men I like. Everyone else I can see right through except for all the men I ever had an interest in. After my interest in them faded, I was able to see through them and their mind as well…

but this man… I understand him like I am seeing myself in the mirror, It’s that easy and natural. I haven’t told my friends, the two-three of them I have in my life because they would judge me for moving on in just 6 months and also feeling something deeply emotional for another man.

I know you cannot tell me the future but tell me how to process this and be as concentrated as before towards my exams. I am still studying but I feel that the thought of him will keep coming in my mind, making me want to talk to him in the next few days and weeks and that I don’t want. I have finally found happiness inside me. I am now not as broken as I was after my breakup because then I had stopped loving myself. Here things are different but I genuinely like this man, he is mature and I genuinely respect him. I want to honour the deal but I am afraid as well. As far as I know him I know he is a man of his words, a very rare quality in men of this generation. But I have never had a break from a relationship before or have heard any of my friends do it, breaking up and reuniting- yes….. breaks within a relationship no.

Also, he feels this period will help us convince our parents and my sister in particular that we are mature enough to not think emotionally but logically. I am not very mature in this aspect and apart from making my parents unhappy, I feel I need not give anybody any explanation.

Help me, please.

sorry for writing a lot. I am a writer and tend to get carried away a lot.