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Is taking a 'break' okay?

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  • #270099
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    First I want to quote from your previous thread and some from your current because it is  an opportunity for me and  for  you to learn (more) about yourself. I will comment following the quotes:

    1. Feelings and Fate: “I never felt so strongly as I did when I met my ex four years ago… I felt this was meant to  be because we were both in love with each other at the same time and it felt like fate”, current thread: “It took me 5 months to realize that the  old relationship was pretty much dead to the point that my  ex came back and asked to get back together, I declined”-

    – a relationship can feel like fate, feel very strongly, but not be fate and be  gone. Personally, I don’t believe in fate, but even for a person who does believe in fate, a feeling does not indicate fate.

    2. Promises, Fear and Overthinking: “When I met him (ex bf), I was cautious not to fall very deep in love… He confronted me  and  told me that he will not leave. After that at… numerous occasions .. he told me  that  again and again, even when I was not afraid anymore… I was a smart girl, but when it  comes to him I have been really dense!!!… I have decided not to date or love again till I am sure I love myself enough to not  be afraid of being alone… why I am thinking  so much!!!! I don’t want to care about him the same way he doesn’t care about  me  anymore but I don’t know how to gauge my thought process. Being  busy does not  help… my brain goes on in a loop”

    – a man can tell you that he  will not leave you, numerous times, and mean it, and yet end a relationship somehow.

    There are no guarantees, but you can maximize the chances of  a man not  leaving  you if you get to know him thoroughly over time, in person, in different  contexts, and then figure that you want to be with him lifetime, for one, and then that he is increasingly and heavily invested in the relationship, is honest and  trustworthy, and therefore highly unlikely to end the relationship.

    The brain going on a loop, the overthinking is fueled by fear. Fear is a distress in the brain and the thinking is  aimed at solving the distress, quieting  it down. Problem is  when fear  is  not based on a here-and-now situation, that is, it is based on long ago and is triggered now, it cannot be quieted, so we think, still afraid, we think more, still afraid, hence  the  loop, the  overthinking.

    And fear does  indeed makes us dense, dense with overthinking  and distress, so we are unable to attend attentively to the here-and-now and our intelligence literally falters.

    3. The Qualities you Value: “This guy had the qualities I did not find in any  other man earlier… He was polite and respectful and understanding and encouraging to  me… He was  patient with people, took time to understand matters and tried solving things”- these  are the qualities you like in others and in yourself, qualities you want to refine and  develop because you value them so much.

    “There was a thing which bugged me during the relationship a  lot, he never apologized first   except for   once and  never accepted his mistakes… he did not take any responsibility in the breakup”- this is another quality that you value very highly, taking responsibility for one’s actions, accepting  and acknowledging making mistakes and apologizing for wrong  doings.

    4.  All-you-need-is-Love: “everything seems nonsensical and without a purpose. I aced through school and college, and then  I got  tired of everything. The only thing that kept me working for the future was  the  concept of love. I loved someone. In a manner that consumed me and when he  left, it left me with nothing”- we all need love, all of us humans do. Love quiets fear.

    5. False Responsibility: “I failed as a daughter when I could not keep jobs or study harder  to give them a position in society that everyone would  appreciate; I felt I failed as a sister when my brother could  no longer look up to me seeing  the epitome of success. I failed as a partner when he left  without saying a word… I failed as a granddaughter… At  this point of my life, I only feel like a failure”-

    -You are not responsible for  having been born a female, therefore you are not responsible for your paternal grandfather suggesting to his son to give you up for adoption. You are not responsible for the social/cultural norms of that led to your parents following the suggestion of the grandfather as if it was an order that had to be obeyed. You didn’t fail your grandparents or parents or siblings.

    6. Weakness and Strength: I lost the  quote, but you wrote that you don’t want to  appear weak in front of anyone, that  there are things you want to say to people but you don’t want  to appear weak to them.

    Will you elaborate on this, #6 (as well as your thoughts on #1-5)?

    * I did not attend much to the current thread and our very recent communication, but will be glad to do so. It will take a bit of time, back and forth communication between the two of us. I am willing if you are.

    anita

    #270145
    Ik09
    Participant

    I would love it very much to discuss all you have pointed out… I was going to write an elaborate note again…but I had my exam today… An entrance exam… I did well… So I will take up the task I postponed yesterday…

    You are right about all the points… I have always felt that it would take me time to stand on my own feet but I will…for sure and do very well for myself… But love…as you said…is a feeling everyone wants… Specially the kind of love where each of you make each other better people by motivating to be better… I cannot believe how changed a feel from the person who wrote the last thread and the person writing this one…. Not saying that I have become really mature or something but I just am able to see things more clearly…

    You wouldn’t believe but I don’t believe in fate in my life generally but you can’t really predict the other person…your partner ..so love was one sphere I really believed in fate…now I have realised it’s not fate….any relationship has the potential to be the best, it’s only our situations and how much efforts we are willing to put in understand and support each other. This fate thing also came up from fear…

    You are so right about fear and things it makes us do… I think I have left the best things in life because of my fear… Fear of failure, of displeasing family, of being ridiculed…. Yet again… I would have given up on my current feelings as well… Because of the situation at my home…. My sister disapproves… My parents don’t disapprove but they don’t support as well…since I am without a job still… It’s not a very positive feeling to be around such negativity….. But I decided that I have lived in fear for far too long…. I am actually studying for entrance tests…. It’s a biggie for me… specially because I have been so afraid of exams that I fall ill a day or two before…every time… I have been avoiding them for some years now…

    But now strangely I feel like i am already at rock bottom….i have nothing to lose… If i become Something maybe I will be appreciated, maybe have a great life and will be looked at as an adult finally but..then again… I feel like doing all this for me now… So that I don’t see myself as a coward anymore…at least if I fail, I will understand that I worked hard and then I failed….I didn’t fail without making any efforts…

     

    Sorry for digressing…

    The qualities I pointed out…yes more than anything… That is more than being successful and earning a lot….I have always wanted a humble and humane partner…. And since I am out of the bubble now… I think I saw him(my ex) as more caring and loving than he actually was… Somewhere deep inside I knew he wasn’t quite honest with me but I did not want to end the relationship… Because of the fear of being alone… I see that now that I was so unhappy myself that I used to look for happiness in his actions and words.

    The best gift the break up gave me was that I feel like being in my company without overthinking…. I finally feel like a 25 year old than a child crying for love… Yes I do want love, that I can’t give up on….. But I want me first, so that once I am firm on my own, I can support others too.

    Since I am talking about fear… I will tell you something I didn’t say till now…when my ex approached me about 5 months after breaking up…. He wanted to get back together, he told me the reason why he broke up and listening to that I realised that I don’t ever want to be in that relationship again….it’s not about him as a person…it was about the relationship… Remember I told you he wanted me to come to his city where he wanted us to live together… So he said he broke up knowing my fears … He thought I would be afraid and come immediately to meet him… discuss what was going wrong and then he would patch up and live with me… It was then that I realised how weak I had been…dependent emotionally… And although there comes a point in your relationship where you can emotionally depend on your partner…but it should be only when it’s both ways… I didn’t see the break up coming because as you pointed out… I hadn’t spent enough time with him, seen his various faces before realising that I wanted him in my life…. I understand that now…

     

    With the current guy…more than anything else… I liked how he thought about others before him…. Because I always do the same… People laugh at me calling me stupid because I do so…but it doesn’t bother me… I like seeing other happy… I am a happiness and high energy, high vibe vampire…hahaha… I become happy being around energetic crowd…

     

    I am saying too much…. I really like talking to you Anita… And I will keep exchanging these texts… You can take your time…. I understand you must be busy… Text me whenever you find time…and I will reply back… Not instantly if I am away from my computer but I will. 😀

    #270155
    Ik09
    Participant

    Point 6: i have always been afraid to show people my weak side… I like being the one others can depend on….and in being that way… Now if ever i feel weak… I find others don’t have the patience to listen to me…. At first i thought they are being selfish until I realised that I made them get into the habit of being dependent on me… I should have normal healthy friendships and relationships where it’s mutual…. And I am trying being myself infront of people…. Amongst others with my closest friends… I seldom try to act all strong and mighty…also with the guy….(by the way he confessed be used to do the same thing…act all macho and the alpha male… I made him understand that he need not convince others….if he is happy inside… People will automatically see him as a strong person) and that is when I realised about me and my mistakes as well. So even with the guy, I have been 100% me till now… Not the pretentious me but the a little scared me who can be extremely brave when I have to protect someone… The me who craves for love but is also afraid of being hurt… The normal everyday girl me… Instead of hiding behind the persona I created.

     

    I have never said these things aloud or written them down too. Hehe.. I feel good though writing it down.

    #270163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    You make a lot of sense and I am impressed by how insightful you are, and at such an age. There are people who are not even close to being as insightful as you are at age 35, 45… I personally know of a soon to be (if he makes it) 95 year old man who is not close to being as insightful as you are.

    I have nothing to add to your two recent posts, no comments, they are as sensible and as insightful as can be.

    It just occurred to me a moment ago that your paternal grandfather was or is a very dominant man, giving orders, controlling, that your parents were weaker, submissive to him and to your sister, their own daughter, or if not submissive, then very influenced by her. And your sister is dominant, controlling, like your paternal grandfather, any truth to what I just wrote?

    anita

    #270169
    Ik09
    Participant

    You are absolutely right…. Everytime my sister was wrong in anything she does and everytime my parents tried to scold her to correct her… He always shielded her… Sadly he isn’t amongst us anymore but the influence on her  is still there…. My sister does not quite adjust with people… And I personally don’t comment on her life but she has hurt me and my parents many times by her harsh words and deeds… I seldom ask her to review my stories now… She used to break my confidence everytime I asked her advice on them…. I am pretty much okay for now… It helped that you patiently read and replied… I am much more confident and clear now… I will post when I am restless… But the only thing that bothers me is my relationship with her and it affecting other relations of my life as well…. However I will not be impatient… My impatience makes me cranky…hehe.. hopefully she will come around… If not… Then there isn’t much I can do…. I have to live my life now… Can’t wait till others give their clearance hehe…

    You have so much patience and love inside you Anita… I am in awe…as I already said before… I will post again when I feel like talking to you <3

    And thank you so much… Your words made me very happy and I feel that I am succeeding at being a good person…at least a little bit… 🙂

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Ik09.
    #270189
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    You are very  welcome. Like you wrote: “I have to live my  life now.. Can’t wait till others give their clearance”- can’t be clearer or wiser than this.

    Better not let your sister review your stories, better not let her review anything  at all about your life, including your relationship considerations. Don’t wait for her to come  around. She is holding on to some sense of power that your paternal grandfather let her enjoy. I don’t  think she will be giving that up.

    And yes, do  post again anytime and   I will be glad to reply to you.

    anita

    #270535
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    You wrote a few days ago: “I have always been afraid to show people my weak side”-

    I want to invite you, here, to show your weak side. So that you can be strong enough to let go of people who want  you weak. It  seems to  me that  your sister is not interested in your best  interest, but in keeping you weak, chasing her  for acceptance, apologizing for… no wrongdoing on your part.

    Her motivation is to feel better at your expense. What happens as a result  of any sacrifice you make for her,  of all your efforts  to please her, is that she  at best will feel better  temporarily, but not long term, and you will be hurting yourself long term.

    anita

     

    #270547
    Ik09
    Participant

    Yes Anita…. I will write and I hope someone going through a bad time reads this and it helps them….

    Sometimes in loving people, we put them before us. I have done that a lot in my life and it never worked in a positive direction for me. Because as human beings we create a dependency on another person … Not that it’s a problem but sometimes we forget to give back and only take. This happened to me a lot… Before this forum…. I used to write self letters….which only had my problems written…and ill formed suggestions with only person’s perspective on it… My own… I used to delete them too… From my personal laptop because I was afraid if someone ever read them they would know I am weak. I wanted to be this person everyone thinks is super strong, can handle anything and solve anyone’s problems…. People have always come to me for suggestions and I felt good because of it….till I realised that sadness as well as happiness is contagious….and one should only handle the amount that doesn’t affect them….

    #270549
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    No one is that  strong to not need  anyone else. We are all dependent on others, being the social animals that we are  and living  in a complex human society.

    Key is in the relationships that are  up to you to keep or end, see to it that  you depend on people who have your best interest at heart  and  mind. Problem is when a person depends on a person who has no such interest… it is like depending  on an enemy for your well-being, absurd, isn’t  it?

    An enemy will use  your weakness against you, keeping you weak; a friend will help you get stronger.

    anita

    #270553
    Ik09
    Participant

    I was afraid of others knowing I am weak because I was afraid that when others get to know… I will finally come out of my self fed imagination that I am this strong person who will break if I have this self realisation that I am not that strong.

    #270567
    Ik09
    Participant

    Just want to make this world a better place, do something for others… For a long time I was upset why people don’t love me as much as I love them…now I have realised that some people aren’t capable of expressing while some wouldn’t love you no matter what you do for them, don’t get upset… Either they will realise your worth or they won’t…. In any case, your worth will not lessen… Just keep on doing what you do. Nobody can make you feel bad or good about yourself unless you really want to feel that way yourself…!!

     

    I actually really love and appreciate you Anita.

    #270569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    “I am this strong person who will break”-

    The thing about breaking is that we feel like we are breaking way before we actually break. People live decades feeling anxious and depressed, feeling like they are breaking again and again, for many days, on and off, for years and decades… and yet they  live to tell about it.

    I did. I felt like I was breaking, like I couldn’t  make it all through my  teenage years and for decades after, and yet I am here, alive and typing away with some sanity to share.

    When you feel like you are breaking, or about to break, when you feel that weak, say to yourself: it will be a long, long time between feeling-like-breaking and actually breaking.

    Do you get a feel to  what I am expressing here?

    anita

    #270573
    Ik09
    Participant

    Yes I am… This is some really valuable advice… I will remind myself of this everytime I feel I am slipping into that position.

    #270577
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear IpkR09:

    When I wrote to you last, that was before I saw the second post you wrote starting with “Just want to make this world a better place”-

    Regarding: “Either they will realize your worth or they won’t… In any case, your worth will not lessen”- people value different things. Many people value money and power above all. For those  people children who are too young to make money or have power are of no value. When you want a person to value  you, find out what that person values first and then figure out if you want that person to value you.

    Regarding “Nobody can make you feel bad or good about yourself unless you really want  to feel that way  yourself!” maybe  this sentence  is true in some  contexts, but in most contexts it  is absolutely not true. Parents will easily make their child  feel bad  or good about herself. Otherwise, we are very sensitive, as the social animals that we are, about other people’s treatment or  mistreatment of us. This  is why it is very  important to select the people  in  your life.

    And thank you for your kind words to me!

    anita

     

    #270579
    Ik09
    Participant

    I understand and because of that I have decided that although I cannot cut ties with my sister…she is my sister…. I will make sure she stays away from things that are important to me… For now at least… Till she understands that I have nothing but only her best interests in my mind…

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