Hello Anita,

You are saying would make sense, it would make sense if we were talking about a sane person, a woman that is of her word, I woman who abides by her word and actually makes sense. Someone who is consistent and predictable. However in the case of my mother we are not dealing with this sort of human. We are dealing with an unpredictable beast. As you have seen her words do not match her actions, her words do not match her needs, she is unaware of her needs, which are fleeting and changing at any given second anyway. Like a toddler with his hands thrashing around wanting to poop and P and eat at all the same times. Which one first? All of them, none of them.

I want to comes to the concept of being alone, I have seen the ugliest sides of my mother when she was in fact alone. Whether this meant that she was alone on a vacation, truly by herself. Or figuratively alone, feeling lonely. I can give you many different examples of this, and I will proceed to do so in the next post. But in short, my mother wanted desperately to be anything but alone, but she was so unbearable and miserable that she was unable to actually tolerate people around her. She was overwhelmed by the idea that my sister and I were lonely at home, so she wanted us to flee, and seek company of others she felt that this would satisfy her because then her daughters would have a social life that she always wanted, that she could never reach. Similarly When it came to my father she had true hatred for him in many ways given the way that he treated her early on, and also given the way that she is a narcissist who believes that her beauty and her amazing godliness is unreachable, and that no man is truly worthy. I know and I truly believe and I am 100% confident that if she was not arranged to my father, she would not have lasted in a marriage with anyone else, whether it was of her choice or not. She is in capable of any sort of union with another human being.

She never truly wanted my father out of the house, but she wanted to Mock and ridicule him when he was home. As soon as he left the house she would want to call him. She was happy when he came into the home because she was no longer alone, but the moment he stepped foot she would complain incessantly about all of his shortcomings. It is a weird dichotomy that is hard to explain. But a dichotomy it is.

Imagine I am sitting at home all day thinking I am sad and lonely, wishing that I had a job, wishing that I had a friend. However I am not doing anything about this, I am not going out into the world and becoming a good likable person, I am not joining any activities in which I could learn something and meet new people, I am not a humble likable person. So alas, when my husband arrives home I think wow now I have someone to talk to. However, I am quickly reminded of how he is not good enough for me. I am a princess, I am a queen, I deserve someone who kisses my feet. Alas I have been matched up with a buffoon, how dare the universe do this to me, doesn’t know my almightiness. Oh alas nothing is good enough at all, yes my husband has arrived home but I am still alone. In my misery that is.