Dear Anita,

I thought about your last post a lot, MORE than I ever have thought about any post between us up to date.

Why?

Because I was able to receive this post fully, as I am in the appropriate mindset and stage in my healing journey.

Therefore, when I read your words, they made perfect sense, they sunk in, and I was able to sink and savor.

It gives me respect for time, we can not force it, and if I am unable to process a concept fully – it perhaps is not the right time, perhaps my mind is not ready yet – and that is okay. Slow and steady goes the process.

You wrote:

 To be happy in your life you have  to feel that sad feeling, have to let it be, for a while. Let it be. When Cali Chica rushes and rushes, trying to not feel this sad feeling, it is not good for her, for Cali Chica, she gets stressed that way, rushing, running away from this sad feeling. You are strong enough, I know. You will be okay if you stay with this sadness for a while.

Anita, in my life, for as long as I recall, I never have sat with my feelings. First of all, I rushed to do the next thing because I simply told myself the delusion that there “wasn’t time to waste.” Second, from our work in the exercise thus far, it was a coping mechanism to not feel the bad feelings of sadness, empathy, and despair.  From a young age I was given those feelings from my mother, and my role in her life, so it only makes sense that my mind protected me from this as I got older.

Yet, this protective mechanism comes with a cost.  The cost of frenzy.

The cost of rushing and zipping here and there.  Of not sitting with myself.

Of feeling sad, but having a coffee and jumping to the next. Seemingly “moving forward” but never processing at all.

So as time goes on, coping mechanisms don’t develop, sadness/pain is not processed, and what we have here is a life of “progress” and driving forward, but no actual “progress” or development of the soul.

The soul suffers, stagnant and full of unprocessed emotions and traumas. The mind is forced to continue until adulthood, but suffering and struggling, drowning in all that was pushed behind.

So you question – who am I? Why am I not happy? Why am I always rushing and feeling stressed? Why is that OFF switch broken?

I have never ever allowed myself the peace and quiet of sitting with my own self and my feelings.

And yes, there is that fear that if I allow the sadness to be truly felt, I may not be okay – so I must ACT FAST and seek.  Why sit still, when you can do? What is the point of sitting around sulking, when you could jump up and find a solution.

But solutions are not found this way, and not processing emotions does not EVER lead to any true growth, solution, or positive change.

Do not be afraid to sit, to feel.

Do not fear it.  Allow it.  Let it be.