Hi Ashley,

I thought I had not more to add but as I was reading your last posts it sprung to mind that you reminded me a little bit of a colleague I work with and get on well with. What I write next is based on that, but I could be projecting and completly wrong in that I only see what I know or infer about you from writing only on these posts.

My colleague works incredibly hard, she often works long long hours, complains about the manager not being any good and oeganises lots of additional meetings. She is very good at her job and successful, eg on various boards for things. She often complains and says why is she the only one doing overtime when others arent? Why is she the one tired and busy? Almost like doing a sprint when everyone else is just walking along at their own pace. For her I know it is a geat source of frustration at this eg why cant more people be like her? More work would get done and it would be better.

However I think it comes back to values and why you are doing something. Eg maybe she values regonition and success more than say flexibility or a peaceful life-there is no right of wrong but it shows why people arent magically going to change to be like her eg start running but perhaps she could slow down a bit and walk with the rest of the team, not because it is lowering standards but because it is healthier for her.

You mentioned about needing to keep movig and working etc and I would be interested to know why? Why do you want to go higher and higher? It sounds like you are rich and successful already eg the swiss watch etc so why do you need more money? More things? More status? What are you looking for? I think this is a very common thing in the world and of course you can be rich and happy, but it sounds from all the moving and stress associated with getting ahead in the company that it is quite lonely and often not al that glittery or exciting-This is my inference from your words but I could be wrong. Maybe the cycling and other hobbies is a trial and error time to find what makes you happy and belong outside of work and that could your focus for a while?

It could be related to what Mark said about love vs fear, if it is genuine love that keeps you motivated at your job eg you feel a stable calm inside or a fizziness or joy based on your job day to day, and not just the success or end of a project then you are clearly on the right track, but if you are more doing and doing because of fear eg fear of not making the most of your qualifications, a fear to be someone and make it etc then it is good to take a step back and reassess what you want tto do. You dont have to be a high flier to have friends or be liked or be loved-you are 200% okay exactly how you are.

It sounds like you have done alot of job changes in the past so maybe a new one that is more stable is on the cards.

Also, you say (and I could be wrong here as my phone wont let me scroll back up to your oost) something like people judge you for who you are and you judge them for what they are.. i dont understand that sentence. If having an education from X, driving a Y car and living in xx district is what they are, how does this denoate if they are worth a friendship and trust with? Taking extreme examples like the guy from the film wolf on wall street or donald trump, yes they have alot of “whats” but do I respect those people? No. If i dont respect someone, i wont want to forge a relationship with them and so in my own way I would cut off the friendship before it even starts. It takes alot to be vulnerable, let down the walls and trust a friendship and so you need someone who has the capability for empathy, humour and non judgement to you for this to occur. Cycling sounds good, as it is active meaning you focus on your body more than your mind and I can imagine it is more like small talk or chit chat for a few sessions before friendships grow, this could be a great opportunity for you to have that stability- best of luck! 🙂