Dear RJG,

You understand that you have an anxious attachment style so relationships are important to you. Having someone as a romantic partner is important to you. But that also makes you desperate for affection that you say ‘yes’ to almost any guy that shows a glimpse of interest in your direction.

From the example of the current guy, as much as you’ve given your stance on relationships while asking him what he wants, you still allow a wide berth of ‘maybes’ for him. Maybe if you kept contacting him, maybe if you kept seeing him, maybe if you kept talking to him, he might eventually developed true interest in you. And that interest might turn into a loud ‘yes’ to becoming a romantic couple. Even when all you’ve done together was food and sex. Even when all he has shone interest in was bedding you. Though you were vocal about what you wanted, you also let your actions overrode those expectations into ‘maybes’. And he saw that and kept pushing because he understood that you wanted his affection and affirmation and approval. You wanted a relationship, only you didn’t firmly push back when he gave signals that he only wanted the physical.

Now, for every immature person that have ghosted you, those numbers had picked at your insecurity. And insecurity has a funny way of making you feel inferior and a lesser-than-person. Insecurity also has a way of making you believe that your worth is decided by what someone tells you are worth. So when those people ghosted you without even a text telling you it wasn’t meant to be, it’s left you befuddled and feeling that maybe you weren’t valuable enough for that person to like you. Then you start to question your worth which lead you to start liking yourself a little less than you did before. That person did ghost you so that must mean that you did something wrong, right? And that’s where the need for closure comes in. You want to know what you did wrong, you want to know what’s wrong with you?

Yet, even knowing the answer won’t do much other than say that the relationship just won’t happen.

Those people who ghosted you made a decision that they didn’t see the relationship going anywhere, but not wanting to take responsibility to end things, they went radio silent. Their decisions had nothing to do with you. The chemistry just wasn’t there and you really can’t fake chemistry so they left. But you took that personally to mean that there was something wrong with you so you want to know ‘why’. If you knew, maybe you could fix it. But that doesn’t get you far.

Rather, don’t ask yourself what you did wrong, ask what didn’t the two of you have together? Ask if that person is someone you can really shout ‘yes’ to. Is that person even happy talking to you? Ask if that person even likes you. Do you even like him? Ask if that person is someone who does respect your boundaries, your nos and your want/needs. Ask if that person has chemistry and compatibility with you. Be more picky about who you choose to be intimate with.

Don’t fear that there is no one out there for you, fear that you can’t choose from the ones that are attractive and is whole-heartedly into you.