Dear Josh:

Here is the decision and promise that made a huge impact on your life ever since you made that promise: “I promised my sister then that I’d never turn out like my dad, and never get as angry as him… And I think my dedication to that promise has robbed me a lot of my manhood- pulling me in a direction to vow that masculinity and to be anything like my father was dangerous”.

You rejected being aggressive and never learned the skill of being assertive. Instead, you adopted the passive attitude and behavior in the context of romantic relationships. Meaning, you stay home a lot and when in contact with women online, on the dating application, you didn’t initiate meeting women. The woman this thread is about, the one time date, she pursued you, she initiated all, she was the masculine one of the two of you.

This is what you wrote about your girlfriend of five years: “She was the aggressor and pursued me, so it made me wonder what kind of girl I’d be able to get if I pursued what I wanted instead”.

This is what you wrote about this one date woman: “While I, typically very guarded and slow to open to anyone on an emotional level, was made vulnerable by her aggressive methods“-

– first, I think that you are confusing aggression with assertiveness, and you view assertiveness, such as a woman’s suggestion to take the online relationship to the next level, that of a date, as aggression.

– second, you have no way of meeting a woman unless she pursues you, but once she pursues you (which you perceive as aggression on her part), you are turned off by that aggression.

What happens is that you make a deep connection with an assertive woman who pursues you because she makes a meeting between the two of you possible, but you lose interest because of the very assertiveness on her part that made a meeting between the two of you possible.

You want to pursue a woman, to make the choice yourself regarding who will be in your life, but pursuing a woman is one of the masculine traits that you rejected when you made that promise.

Regarding the one date woman this thread is about, you wrote that during the date you thought to yourself that you don’t like her that much, that she is not a fit (I don’t have the quote with me at the moment)- I believe it is because she pursued you that you lost interest during the date.

It is after that date that you were so interested in her, after she no longer pursued you.

Same with the girlfriend of five years, it was after the relationship was over, after she no longer pursued you, that you became interested in her.

Time to differentiate between aggression and assertiveness, learn the skill of assertiveness and become that in your life, become assertive, you need to. And then, once you are assertive, you will distinguish between assertive women and aggressive women and choose accordingly.

anita