Dear Anita,

Happy Monday.  We were on a track of exercises, and focused “work” and guess what threw me off? The phone call my mother made.

I took the rest of the weekend to process it.  By saying “took the weekend” I mean I thought about it.  I was doing many different things with different people, but it would come to mind.  The old Cali Chica may have pushed through to our exercises, and your last question – but I recognized that I was triggered and distracted.

Rightfully so! I mean in the grand scheme of things, an “estranged” if it is the right word, mother reaching out, inappropriately to one of your friends – well that will be triggering.

See Anita, I didn’t give myself this credibility in the past. I allowed things to just “pass through” as you know.  When I was out to dinner with my friend on Thursday, the person  I was going to meet on the subway – I had sent you a post right before meeting her.  I didn’t say to myself oh its fine, don’t worry about it – just have fun.  I observed.

This is a friend I actually made on vacation 2 years ago in Europe, and she lives in NYC now, we had 2 years of catching up to do.  Well guess what my last 2 years have been…I let her go first.  She told me about her ill father, a move to LA and back..some dating ups and downs.  Then it was my turn.  I started off by telling her the craziness that started after the engagement, and thereafter, and ending to last FEb 13, the day of no contact.  I told her the last comment – I should have an abortion with you – and she was apalled, jaw dropped.  Like anyone would be.  I explained to her that this wasn’t the worst of it.  The worst of it was all the abuse that wasn’t blatant, that required one to read between the lines, or do this — process and heal for years.  To see through it.

It isn’t difficult to say if a mother speaks such obscenity/insanity that it is wrong.  Anyone would say so…but its everything else isn’t it.

Anyway, as you can see this friend and I are quite close – although not seeing each other often or having spoken in a while – and this is what else I see.

i felt my heart open.  I felt my heart speak out loud – not just to her, but to myself.  I have surrounded myself now Anita with only those people I can feel this way with.  Now are there some great friends that don’t have the emotional capacity, background, understanding, etc – to comprehend and respect what I am saying – of course! And that is just fine.  It isn’t my MO to announce this all.

So now – back to our conversation.  My mother called, good for her.  I talked about it, processed it.  And do not feel triggered.  I feel like while on the mountain path, a lion roared out to the right, so it caught my attention for a moment, but then it quickly ran away.  I too moved forward.

I would like to continue our conversation, exercise, whatever it may be – and which suits you – at any time