Dear Anita,

I mentioned to you a few months back, feeling extra distressed – being aware that the week before that “time of the month” I felt especially emotionally up and down and suffered.

Well that time has arrived again. And this time around, as much as it is not pleasant – I found something.

I felt a lot yesterday. Sure, some of it is the “hormones” feeling extra emotional – but I felt it – didn’t I? It was me who felt it, not someone else.

I felt a tenderness for my husband yesterday – let me tell you the story:

My friend S,  a very good friend, I have mentioned her before.  Sweet, kind, straightforward.  Not very emotionally “deep” in the sense of she hasn’t experienced much in her life to bring her there – nor does she approach life this way.  Regardless – great friend from college, and an optimist.

She is dating someone seriously now after a very long time, and as such, really really appreciates it, and him.  It is nice to see this. And I often think about how I never felt this way when first meeting my husband.  Happy yes, but not the sense of respect, admiration and appreciation – because of course the mother voice.

Well they are going on a vacation to Italy this week, and I was asking her if she is excited.  She mentioned she is, but she may have to do some of the activities alone. I asked why? As this was odd to me, their first big vacation together!

She said, “he’s the type to need his rest, and so maybe won’t be up to so much back to back.”

I thought to myself – interesting.  I would never be okay with that.  I would have pushed my poor husband out of bed and said, here drink some coffee time to go! But he also baseline isn’t the type to sit back and not engage or do just like me – when it comes to travel etc.

I mention to my friend that it is good of her to be so understanding.

To which she replies: Yeah, well I do prefer him to be happy and well rested.  What’s the point of pushing and creating a fight anyway.

I was taken aback.  I was surprised at this: she prefers him to be in the baseline state that is comfortable for him.  She accepts him, she doesn’t push and prod.

Of course I am taking this small conversation to a larger extent

but I felt tenderness for my dear husband.  never allowing him to rest and be, always pulling and pushing,  a visual of poking him over and over when he’s resting, a visual of pulling his hair and slapping hima round.  and when he rests yelling and saying get up.  if he tries to do his best to go up the mountain, my screaming faster! don’t you know what I like!!

This visual of me as a NOT understanding person, unlike the example above.  This understanding that I am not understanding.  And that mother voice or not, I did treat him this way. I thought about how much suffering and trauma that makes a person go through.  And I felt the first glimpse of it.  Not much Anita, but something.

I felt tenderness, that wow, how and why would I do such a thing to him.  And also – that I do hope I never do anymore.