Anita

Thanks for thinking of me!

Ive hesitated to cut ties with my parents mainly because I needed help through grad school, I wouldn’t have restarted contact with my dad if I didn’t need to buy a car from him, unfortunately when I started seeing him again in my moms mind it meant all is well and opened the door even more for her to try to “keep her family together” since we were all tolerating eachother again. I’m more ready to cut contact now that I’ve graduated and hopefully won’t need any financial help within a month or two. I know this needs to happen, I couldn’t sleep much last night thinking about it and now I’m angry that my parents childish ways have yet again disrupted my peace. This reminds of something my mom said the other day that our lives “are always full of drama” and I yelled back at her she’s part of the creation of the drama by having poor boundaries with an abuser. In a lot of ways I do the same thing complaining about the drama, but it only affects me if I remain attached. So In practicing what I preach I see it’s time to set my own boundaries and be healthy.

I’ve been letting fear run my life for too long. While I’ve made a huge amount of progress in my life, fear still seems to dominate a lot of my relationships. I’m always prepared to be let down by others but never prepared to be loved. I’ve reached a point where I simply can’t stand to let fear keep winning. I’m a deeply lonely man I’m lucky to get minutes of someone’s undivided attention per week. But I’m at a point now where I don’t want “luck” to have anything to do with my  well being. I’m so afraid to ask for help or ask for love, it’s always felt like a losing battle. However I know if I don’t figure it out fast I’m not going to last as a therapist despite my skills. I am the only single person out of all of my friends, every single one. It often feels like there must be something unlovable about me, and it’s really hard for me to get out of that mind state all  by myself.

Mill be moving into the house ive been living behind in August with my friend I met last year in school. I’m excited because she’s also a therapist, and we’re very supportive of eachother. It will also be nice to not live alone anymore. Even though my old roommate was very introverted it was nice to know someone was there if I absolutely needed it, and my new roommate is very extroverted and vulnerable so I  think socially it will be good for me. My hope is that I can one day look back at all the time I spent alone suffering with my pain, and be grateful that I made it through, and that I learned how to be strong because of it.