Dear Anita,

I am thinking about the agitated bird bird the bird that is sitting on the ledge looking left and right, left and right, unable to be still, frenzied and its appearance and it’s state. I took a nap after work today, it’s uncommon, and after I woke up in a way – I looked for that dread. I noticed that it is common to feel like this bird, at any given moment instead of feeling some solace, feeling that thread, uneasiness, frenzy. Picking something out in my brain to fixate on or worry on.

I noticed another feeling today too, not a new one, but when I was better able to point out today. A feeling of being stuck. Not stuck in my life or an unhappy life per se. What a visual of someone that still feels hell down to apply and wants freedom, wants to run and be free. Tangibly the first way I can think about this is my work. We talked one or two weeks ago about the medical system now. It was great of you to discuss this with your husband also, and what he stated is correct. The medical system now can be very disgruntled and for physicians, it’s not the work that we do put more of the system, and the management. Feeling controlled and like a small wheel in the cog. not really getting much respect. Respect is not the right word it is quite difficult to explain, but I’m sure there is this feeling of being owned by the system And not really having much control over it.  In my case, also not being able to practice creatively in the way I want to be able to flourish my own talent. This is where the wellness center enters. I noticed that I have this drag, but I must do something to break free, to be able to practice on my own, to not be bogged down by people like that lady at work, who are  Draining.

I noticed that I get bogged down by these people more than others. It’s not because I just letthem, it’s that I have become quite hyper sensitive to negative people in my life for obvious reasons.  I noticed that it sometimes feels like They are getting away with it, the mother voice would have said this, look at them acting how they are how terrible and always getting away with it. I noticed how it feels like they are getting away with it, this lady is getting away with it, and here I am stuck. Stuck not being the amazing creative person I can be. Building my self up for me – making use of my talent. Stuck with these types. I notice I feel this way.

I also noticed that the reality of my employment is not bad. My hours are very reasonable for my field, and it is a great full-time job while I dissect out how I want to start my own business. I noticed that objectively reality is different then the feelings that I notice.

Sometimes Anita,

It feels like I have done so much work that I should get some credit for it. Not credit as in recognition, fame, or money. But perhaps it’s more like the art of being able to express myself. So in fact credit is not the right word, I want to be able to flourish, share my wisdom and experience, sing at the top of my lungs and not be told to just follow the lines but instead belt out with what comes from the heart.

I am not a particularly religious person, but perhaps spiritual at times. There have been so many signs from the universe in the past week that have guided me this way. I know it is my time. I just have to take the first steps.

I know no real work comes from frustration, that it Hass to come from a place of positive energy and creativity. But I also know that in a few months if I continue to feel this way it will not sit right with me at all, I may “explode.”

Not to be overly artistic but maybe this is what great things are made of, perhaps this is the start of something beautiful. Perhaps it is not just anxiety or frenzy, but my inner creative spirit trying to sing.