Hi Sadman11,

I had also grown up in a highly dysfunctional family that involved neglect and abuse.  For many years, I grew up with extreme emotions of anger, abandonment issues, lack and loneliness.  However, I worked hard to transform myself to resolve and let those emotions go.

I’d like share two perspectives with you.  The perspective from my brother’s life and my life.

Both of us encountered the same neglect and abuse during childhood.

My brother didn’t work at resolving these suppressed emotions.  He seems to be in a constant state of anger.  Ready to blow up any time with the smallest perceived insult to him.  And he will respond with a disproportionate response of yelling, screaming anger.  Being the oldest son of my parents, he received the “Golden Child” experience. That is, he could do no wrong.  He was always given the attention emotionally and materially.  He grew up feeling entitled and self-absorbed.  He constantly refers to the past of how life was unfair to him.  He feels grave injustice to the past abuses and has difficulty moving forward because he perceives himself to be the victim.  This prevents him from taking responsibility, wanting to be happy, wanting to find purpose and meaning.  He continues to harbor the anger, disappointment and injustice in his heart.   There is no moving forwards for him.   In a way, he is just waiting to die.

For myself, I harbored anger, disappointment, lack of confidence, negativity as well.  But I worked very hard with certain practices and tools to overcome them.  I no longer harbor the negativity and anger towards my parents.  I no longer ask myself the many what ifs. Ie. What if I was more fortunate as a child, what if I wasn’t abused, what if I was provided more guidance, etc.   It definitely wasn’t easy to transform.  But it was well worth it.  I would attribute all my greatest successes to this transformation.  I’m much more positive, forward thinking, focused and motivated.

Two siblings, with the same early experiences, but on two very different paths.  One is in a constant negativity, bitterness and victimhood mentality, with little to look forward to.  Another, with a positive feeling of the wonderful adventurous experiences to come.  Perspective and mindset are the difference.

This is a common proverb in Buddhism:

If you can solve the problem, then what is the need of worrying?  If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

As with you, I would have liked to be able to change the past and start over with a clean slate.  But we cannot.  By spending time thinking or worrying about things that cannot be changed, is it productive?  Rather than being only unproductive, can it be even worse?  A hindrance or a crutch?

You refer to the regrets of the past as a hindrance to you.  Do you feel that this hindrance inhibits you to live your own life now?  Do you feel the neglect of the past a crutch to your opportunities now?  Do you feel the unfairness of not being in the right family prevents you in any way from having a more prosperous life?

If you answered yes to any of these, I would suggest you take a deeper look at your statement: “Sure things are great now and I’ve now the knowledge to lead a more prosperous life”.  Ask yourself if you have been completely honest with yourself.

Unconsciously, we may not realize the continuing impact on long suppressed emotions.

Your first sentence resonates with me: “I’ve always felt that life should be lived to it’s best”.  I attempt to live this daily.  It means not letting past life experiences be an attachment that is a barrier to the present.  Instead, I perceive the past experiences in a positive light which can be an inspiration and support to me both mentally and emotionally.  For example, if I had to learn on my own without a mentor, I may have suffered in misguided direction, but I would have also gained in having greater independence and being able to more easily pave new roads for myself.  Those I would consider positive attributes to my present situation.

So I believe the more appropriate question for yourself is:

How can I live the life to it’s best knowing what I know now?

Terence