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    Hi Jennifer,

    Your situation is quite complex and its hard to know what the deeper issue is without understanding more.  Could you detail more about your thoughts and the issues you perceive.

    I would however like to add something general.  I’m not sure if this applies to you.  But I will take a guess.

    As its not clear if your issue are of a spiritual or human, I would tend to start on the human side first.

    I’d like to ask if you feel purpose or meaning in your life?

    If you don’t, one way to do this is to take on responsibility (if you are already taking on immense responsibility, then this advice wouldn’t apply).  Its sounds very general and its meant to be.  If you find yourself without clear direction or motivation, it may help to find ways to take some or more responsibility.  Whether it be for yourself, family, friends, or community.

    By taking on responsibility, purpose and meaning will rise.





    Hi Zach,

    Based on what you have stated, it seems you are on a good path. You have identified certain dogmas that don’t help you. You are able to see a vision of where you want to be.  You have begun some practices that gets you closer to oneness.

    Others have given you some sound advice.  I would like to expand on Peter’s comments.

    At the present stage you are in, it may be helpful to look deeper into the “guilt and fear” you have been experiencing.  The guilt and fear you are experiencing is possibly caused by the constant programming in your childhood that makes your thought process habitual.

    The way out of it, is to unlearn this programming, or let go of the attachment to the fear and guilt.  This may or may not work for you as each person connects differently to different approaches.  Also, timing matters as well.  Meaning, is it the right time for you to deal with this.  How I have dealt with such deep rooted emotions from childhood is the following:

    Although it may sound counter-intuitive, the best time to deal with an emotion, is when experiencing it.  The stronger, deeper and more intense, the better.

    Ask yourself and look deeply into when you first experienced this guilt and fear (as far back as your memory can provide).  Relive this experience and the people involved in this experience. (I would caution that you should only take this path if you can bare the emotions that come out).  After some time calling out the emotions and events, then tell yourself to let go of it.  (ie. That was a story in the past, time to let go and move on. Don’t assign any blame. Express love and forgiveness, etc.)

    You may have to cycle through this process a number of times to feel a change within yourself.

    How to gauge if you are improving is to observe yourself where you would normally feel the guilt and fear, be mindful if the intensity and length of time you feel this start to reduce.  You will know when you have overcome this when it barely causes an extended thought.

    Another approach you can use is to find the trigger to the thought of “guilt and fear”.  Observe yourself, to find out what typically happens prior to the onset of guilt and fear.  If you are able to find a common trigger, then you can go about finding a way to prevent the trigger from occurring.

    It’s quite possible the two different approaches will converge to the same solution.

    For both approaches to work better, mindfulness can be quite useful.  Think of it this way.  Think of yourself being another person observing your own thoughts and emotions.  By constantly observing your thoughts and emotions as an outsider, you won’t have the bias of yourself.

    By adding your practice of journalling, write about this process, the emotions you feel, the process you feel.  Document your process and review it regularly to gain insights into improvement.

    In Buddhism, they say thoughts lead to actions.  As it relates to those emotions, once you are full-on into the emotions, it’s very difficult to resolve.  If the thought comes to your mind, let it go and out of your mind just as easily as it came in.  This way, the action of the emotions manifesting itself doesn’t occur.

    This approach of purification requires a person to know and face themselves.  It can be quite intense.  Thus, use what you think resonates with you.  Toss everything else in the garbage.

    Good luck.



    Hi Tannhauser,

    I would like to say, that you have not only suffered but continue to survive through this ordeal that has been ongoing for over 2 years and counting!  I don’t know how I could have survived it.

    How I analyze issues are to identify if they are one or a combination of the following: spiritual, physical or delusional.  From what I can feel and observe from all your explanations, I don’t think the root of the issue is delusional nor physical.  They are of the spiritual and/or invisible realm.

    The reason I asked about the symptoms is to validate what I suspect the issues are.  I have known others that have had very similar experiences.  In fact, I personally have experienced this for decades. For example, in the past, when I walk in a mall or anywhere with crowds, I almost immediately feel exhausted, and my mind starts to dull on me.  Then it leads to tightness of all my muscles and pain throughout my body.  My symptoms are not even close to the intensity and horror that you have described.

    From the Chinese context, in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), there is a major meridian point on the crown of the head.  Imagine if you draw a line vertically up and over from the tip of your left ear over the top to the tip of the right ear, at the top and middle point on the line is the location of the meridian point.  It’s called the “100 points meridian”.  And that’s considered a major entry point of energy into the body.

    One caveat before I continue – my explanation of the concepts may not be completely accurate, due to the need to generalize for conciseness and simplicity.  Based on the threads and the symptoms you explained this is what I suspect:

    In the invisible or spiritual realm, you are absorbing the “negative” energy that people have built up, from mental and physical sicknesses and emotions.  By “negative” I mean detrimental to the stability of a person’s mind and/or body.

    Can you describe to me where these downloads typically occur? Ie. At home? At Church? In malls?  Are there people in proximity to you?

    It’s not surprising that you feel those extremely negative effects to your mind, emotions, body.   You are taking in way too much of other people’s worst crap.

    One way to conceptualize this is to think of your body, mind, spirit being disjointed, unable to communicate between each other.  Because of this lack of unity, when you are put through the extremes (ie. Negative energy downloads or extreme emotions), cracks start to appear. If a car is designed well with the engine, body and suspension/wheels tightly integrated, then it can handle greater speeds and extreme road conditions and last for decades.  If it’s a shoddy design, assembly and integration, it’s going to easily fall apart without too much mileage.  By practicing, through knowing oneself, to unify one’s body, mind, spirit, then one can re-engineer each component so that it can be more polished and work in better unison with the other components of one’s self.   Over time, this will stabilize one’s mind and body.  And from that process, more wisdom will arise through greater integration with one’s highest self – one’s spirit.

    There are a number of things that need to be done to stabilize your situation.  And they have to be tackled one at a time.  And they cannot be resolved overnight.  As I have mentioned earlier, I have had similar experiences and observed this in others. And I have gone through the process of stabilizing myself and guiding others to stabilize as well.  I don’t want to give you false hope, as this process requires time and effort.  If you are open to my suggestions, you can give them a try.

    The first thing to tackle is to how to deal with the overabundance of this energy or “Chi” that’s going into you and causing chaos.  After or during the onset of the energy download, go touch a tree that is rooted to the earth.  (not a potted tree).  Big is good.  To the best of your ability and within reasonable limits, find a tree that has the least number of pedestrians walking by or in proximity.  Have both palms touching the tree trunk or sit down with your back against the tree trunk.  Do this for at least 5-10 minutes or until the download finishes and you feel you have passed all that negative energy out of you.  During this time, have the intention that you will pass the negative energy in you to the tree.  And the following is a very important point – perform this only during daylight.  The optimal time is early in the morning anytime from 5am-7am.  But anytime while the sun is out is still ok.  It isn’t as effective, but will still have some positive effects.  Don’t perform this at night as the reverse flow of energy will occur.  The negative energy that the tree has absorbed and accumulated from people walking past it will then pass onto you.  If your energy download begins at night time, unfortunately, you will have to wait until 5am to pass the energy to a tree.

    Give that a try and let me know how you feel.  And if you feel it works, and open to it, I can suggest the next steps.

    I wish you all the best…



    Hi Tannhauser,


    I would like to have a better understanding of the first experience of the “Kundalini Horror”.

    Can you describe to me in greater detail:

    1. What were you doing when the energy start?

    2. What was your state of mind at the time (ie. emotionally, thoughts, intent, etc.)

    3. Can you describe the energy flow (where did it start from? Top of the head? where at the top of the head? Where did it flow to? At what stage did the pain start to occur and after how long when the energy started?  Can you describe where the pain was, how long it lasted?)





    I have been following all your posts in this thread.

    As Mark has similarly stated, you have been very good at articulately the symptoms.

    Could you similarly articulate the practices that led to the symptoms?




    Hi Sadman11,

    I had also grown up in a highly dysfunctional family that involved neglect and abuse.  For many years, I grew up with extreme emotions of anger, abandonment issues, lack and loneliness.  However, I worked hard to transform myself to resolve and let those emotions go.

    I’d like share two perspectives with you.  The perspective from my brother’s life and my life.

    Both of us encountered the same neglect and abuse during childhood.

    My brother didn’t work at resolving these suppressed emotions.  He seems to be in a constant state of anger.  Ready to blow up any time with the smallest perceived insult to him.  And he will respond with a disproportionate response of yelling, screaming anger.  Being the oldest son of my parents, he received the “Golden Child” experience. That is, he could do no wrong.  He was always given the attention emotionally and materially.  He grew up feeling entitled and self-absorbed.  He constantly refers to the past of how life was unfair to him.  He feels grave injustice to the past abuses and has difficulty moving forward because he perceives himself to be the victim.  This prevents him from taking responsibility, wanting to be happy, wanting to find purpose and meaning.  He continues to harbor the anger, disappointment and injustice in his heart.   There is no moving forwards for him.   In a way, he is just waiting to die.

    For myself, I harbored anger, disappointment, lack of confidence, negativity as well.  But I worked very hard with certain practices and tools to overcome them.  I no longer harbor the negativity and anger towards my parents.  I no longer ask myself the many what ifs. Ie. What if I was more fortunate as a child, what if I wasn’t abused, what if I was provided more guidance, etc.   It definitely wasn’t easy to transform.  But it was well worth it.  I would attribute all my greatest successes to this transformation.  I’m much more positive, forward thinking, focused and motivated.

    Two siblings, with the same early experiences, but on two very different paths.  One is in a constant negativity, bitterness and victimhood mentality, with little to look forward to.  Another, with a positive feeling of the wonderful adventurous experiences to come.  Perspective and mindset are the difference.

    This is a common proverb in Buddhism:

    If you can solve the problem, then what is the need of worrying?  If you cannot solve it, then what is the use of worrying?

    As with you, I would have liked to be able to change the past and start over with a clean slate.  But we cannot.  By spending time thinking or worrying about things that cannot be changed, is it productive?  Rather than being only unproductive, can it be even worse?  A hindrance or a crutch?

    You refer to the regrets of the past as a hindrance to you.  Do you feel that this hindrance inhibits you to live your own life now?  Do you feel the neglect of the past a crutch to your opportunities now?  Do you feel the unfairness of not being in the right family prevents you in any way from having a more prosperous life?

    If you answered yes to any of these, I would suggest you take a deeper look at your statement: “Sure things are great now and I’ve now the knowledge to lead a more prosperous life”.  Ask yourself if you have been completely honest with yourself.

    Unconsciously, we may not realize the continuing impact on long suppressed emotions.

    Your first sentence resonates with me: “I’ve always felt that life should be lived to it’s best”.  I attempt to live this daily.  It means not letting past life experiences be an attachment that is a barrier to the present.  Instead, I perceive the past experiences in a positive light which can be an inspiration and support to me both mentally and emotionally.  For example, if I had to learn on my own without a mentor, I may have suffered in misguided direction, but I would have also gained in having greater independence and being able to more easily pave new roads for myself.  Those I would consider positive attributes to my present situation.

    So I believe the more appropriate question for yourself is:

    How can I live the life to it’s best knowing what I know now?



    That is a long explanation, so I have first broken down the pertinent observations you made into point form for easier processing:



    • When you went to study abroad, you worsened toward being more outward, and less so inward.
    • Relationship with best friend falling apart. Why? You have a manipulative personality.
    • Need to understand relationship with God.
    • Deep desires and temptations can feel a lot like intuition.
    • Overly social personality resulting in affair with a married man.
    • The relationship with the married man was possibly a deep desire, temptation or test. And also for emotional support for yourself.
    • Overstep the boundaries of what you initially thought was to support him instead of also having an intimate relationship him. Guilt related to intimate relationship with a married man.
    • Stress and deterioration of health from relationship and a full plate of work and studies.
    • Upset and stressed over loss of hair for 5 years and consider yourself vain.
    • Realizing relying on the external to find happiness is a fallacy.
    • Because you sinned, you believe you deserve to be miserable.
    • You think that your issue on this is not worthy compared to larger issues humankind are going through.
    • You feel you don’t deserve to pray for a resolution because you did this to yourself and its related to karma.
    • You tried focusing on becoming a better person, but ask “what is the point” because you don’t know how the situation will improve.
    • Your ego is too big, Not sure how do you get rid of it.



    Based on the observations you have made, would it be fair to say there are common themes? Namely,

    1. You possibly have a manipulative personality, too large an ego, lacking introspection of yourself, misunderstanding if your desires/temptations are intuitions. And an uphill battle to improve yourself.
    2. Guilt from having an affair with a married man, causing your physical and depression to deteriorate.
    3. Questioning your self-worth because your issue is not important enough and a fatalistic attitude because you don’t know if the situation will improve.
    4. A need for a deeper understanding between you and God.



    The following are my thoughts, opinions and suggestions based on personal experiences.  Just a caveat that I may be wrong or there may be more suitable approaches that can help you resolve your issues quicker.

    Based on your comments, it is obvious you conscience and thus a moral code you live by.  Likely a framework based on an Abrahamic religion.  In trying to live up to your moral code, you have run afoul of it.

    Firstly, I can empathize with the emotional and physical turmoil you are presently encountering, as I have had challenges both emotionally and physically in my past.

    So jumping right into the issues at hand, it is my opinion that one works hard to live by their moral code, but rare that one always attains it from the start.  I see it as more of a work in progress that one strives to attain fully in the future. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Almost none start out being a Saint.  Many people work earnestly with learning, practice to grow in hopes to become one.  Even then, very few can attain this perfection. Think of a moral code not as a Law that must be met today, but that you work hard to improve yourself to strive to achieve one day.  This gives you bandwidth to work on being a better person, to transform and change over time to be better.

    The guilt you have seems to be unforgiving, lasting 5 years now?  It has caused you long term physical and emotional suffering. As an aside, the hair loss may also be another sign.  A sign that there is a lack of harmony in you that can potentially lead to more serious physical issues? Your body may be warning you to change how you are dealing with this issue.   Do you think you may be punishing yourself for the affair you had (I assume it’s in the past now)?

    Repentance can be a powerful tool.  Do you feel you have repented enough? Do you think it may be time to forgive yourself?  What’s done is done. We can only move forwards.  We can only learn and be better for that experience.

    Also, forgiveness is a powerful tool.  You may want to forgive yourself of your mistakes.  We are only human.

    By not letting go of the past, isn’t it a form of attachment?  This attachment has manifested in deteriorating physical health and depression.  If you continue to struggle with this attachment, you may want to understand more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Or different spiritual traditions have guidance on non-attachment, such as Buddhism.  It may help to free yourself.  A qualified health professional can help as well.

    I’m not sure if it’s related to the guilt you are holding, but I sense that you can be too hard on yourself.  Blaming yourself for your predicament, and not allowing yourself to overcome your guilt.  This has led to you feeling that you haven’t changed and developed.  And even worse, that there is no point to it.  Another very powerful tool I suggest you can use is Love.  Love yourself in all aspects! Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, health, prosperity, stability, harmony, etc.

    You have blamed yourself for something you consider a serious sin.  Does it mean you can’t move forward anymore?  You are working towards bettering yourself, studying for a Phd, and working full-time to support yourself and possibly others.  As you work hard to improve yourself in those areas, why not also be open to look inside to forgive and love yourself?

    To answer the 3 questions you asked in the second paragraph, for the first, I think you have more than accepted the consequences, since you have been punishing yourself for years.  You have been judge, jury and jailer.  Metaphorically, don’t you think you have done your time?

    The last question you posed: “having the right relationship with God”, that will require a separate post.  I will provide a follow-up post on my thoughts to that question and Point 1 (in common themes) as I believe there are inter-related.

    And lastly, regarding my suggestions, throw away what you don’t think is useful, keep what resonates.  Let me know your thoughts.


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