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My Kundalini Horror

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  • #225867
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Wade, I am sorry I didn’t reply to your August 19th post. For some reason it didn’t register in my e-mail account. I cannot contact you through e-mail as it appears you do not have an address on your profile page.

    I am still going through Kundalini, and the energies have got more intense of late. I have noticed that I am beginning to have an effect on others too. If you wish to, you can contact me at the following address:

    padsterdood@gmail.com

    I shall try to help you in any way I can.

    Best wishes,

    Tannhauser

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Tannhauser.
    #238265
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    To those of you who tried to help me, I am very grateful.

    I am very sad today. I am almost in tears as I type this. The Kundalini is now setting about destroying everything that I identified with. Everyone in my family is now ill: my sister, my brother and my mum and dad. The Kundalini is now trying to break through into my brain even whilst I am awake, and I am aware of the horrors that await me when it does: derealization, depersonalisation, anxiety, depression. I understand that when it does break through, everything will appear unreal and dream-like, and the thought of this utterly terrifies me.

    There are several conclusions I have drawn. The first one being that the loving ‘Father God’ archetype is complete nonsense. It is sheer man-made bullshittery. No one cares about us ‘out there’. I have been fighting VERY hard to stop my life going over a cliff. I have ended up on anti-depressants twice but have managed to keep going and rise above it. But this evil Kundalini thing wants to wreck EVERYTHING and push me back into depression and anxiety. I keep hoping for help from God, but it never comes. It never will come, because God doesn’t exist. I have discovered this the hard way, by realising that I could only ever hope to rely on myself and my own willpower. I am really afraid now, really very scared.

    The second conclusion I reached is that there is no support for all this, and far too much nonsense talked about it by ‘gurus’. These people can’t seem to accept that Kundalini is pure evil. Well I have experienced it for five years, and I can tell you, it is pure, concentrated f*cking evil. I never had depression before this f*cker hit me, even when I was on dialysis for six years. I never had concentration problems, or anxiety. I never cut myself. I never lost interest in the things I love, and neither was I confused about my beliefs. But this f*cker changed everything, and now there is nothing left to do except seek the ultimate release from it. I accept that it has beaten me, but I will NOT give it the triumph of putting me in a mental hospital. It is HORRIBLE. It has caused me the worst mental pain I have experienced in my entire life. I keep waiting for things to get better, but they never do. If anything, they get worse. To all those bearded, smiling, saffron-wearing, be-turbaned gurus out there making a living from this: **** you. You should be helping people, yet your new age flowery language is unfathomable to most ordinary folk.

    The third and final conclusion I have reached is that this evil Kundalini is going to cause national suicide rates to rocket, if it is not already doing so.

    Today I have realised the writing is on the wall. I just can’t see a happy future for myself. Times are hard. This Kundalini shit aside, I am about to be shoved on to Universal Credit with the rest of the sick and disabled, which basically means 5 to 12 weeks without any money.

    I’ve reached the limits of my endurance.

    Tannhauser

    #267409
    Anthony
    Participant

    No PMs on this board?

    She will continue to wreak havoc on your life until you break free of any and all attachments.

    If you want out of this I can help with a few tips but at the end of the day you have to do your part.

    And when I say “out of this”, I don’t mean free of this force, I mean out of being opposed to her. She is here to stay, which means you have to become one with her. You = her, and all her power.

     

     

     

    #290367
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    ‘She’ is destroying me. ‘She’ is causing the most terrible feelings. ‘She’ is utterly demonic. Today I feel very violent and could easily stab someone. Earlier, I felt lost and burst into tears like a baby. I don’t know who I really am anymore and it is very frightening. I am trying to grab on to anything to avoid a full blown breakdown. It feels like this isn’t my reality anymore. It isn’t my world. I can’t believe this is happening to me after everything I have gone through. And you know what? No one gives a fuck, and they will only finally give a fuck after I’ve dropped myself off a local railway viaduct.

    This is my last word on this subject. There is no support out there for this. But I cannot stress to people how totally evil and sick Kundalini really is. It is EVIL!!!!!! I have ‘something’ which comes in through my head and blows my stomach up so much it becomes uncomfortable, and there is also another force which is trying to push itself into my head. It is all just too much.

    Goodbye,

    Tannhauser.

    #291605
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Tannhauser

     

    I have just come across this discussion. Actually your symptoms and experiences make perfect ‘sense’ to me as I have experienced similar and it has taken years for me to work out what has been going on. I also understand the terror and panic that you describe. This has been happening to me too.

    Yet, after some 13 years of physical difficulties which are still im.going, for the most part I am peace with the kundalini process, so maybe we can communicate more and I might be able to help? I agree that there is a dire lack of real knowledge or experience or understanding about this process and, for me especially, this has been the worst thing to endure.

     

    So let me know if you would like to communicate more.

     

    Sarah X

     

     

    #291609
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    I would like to communicate with you.

    13 years fills me with horror. My experience has only been going on for six years.

    Best wishes,

    Tannhauser

     

    #294179
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    It’s nearly a full moon and I’m going through some weird shit again. Today has been fucking AWFUL. Jesus Fucking Christ WHAT is all this shit about? When is it going to end? Why is it happening to me? My whole fucking body is absolutely exhausted; every cell of my body is screaming in pain, and my mind feels like it is being trepanned. WHERE IS THE FUCKING SUPPORT?!!

    I NEED HELP, and I DON’T need new age speak or psychobabble. Or are you too busy doling out relationship advice?

    There is NO God. I know some of you don’t like to hear this, but it is absolutely true. God was just a load of man-made shit. If you think there’s a God, you just haven’t suffered enough yet. There is only a cold, merciless Universe.

    I am at the end of my rope.

    Suicidal Tannhauser

    #294195
    Mark
    Participant

    Tannhauser,

    I have no knowledge of what you are talking about.  How do you know this is Kundalini?  How did this start?

    Perhaps if you elaborate on what this is then maybe others can chime in and give you insight/help.

    You have been very articulate on how this phenomenon has affected you but not how this started to “infect” you and what exactly this is.

    Mark

    #294271
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    Jesus Christ, where the fuck do I start?

    Since this thing started six years ago, my whole outlook on life has changed, leaving me feeling totally isolated. The vast majority of people do not realise that they are living in a waking nightmare of their own making. They love watching sex and violence on TV whilst filling their faces with junk food and drink. On the whole, they love what is base and what charms the dullest intelligence, though there are rare exceptions. They ridicule most forms of spirituality, and cannot understand why people try to cope with life by meditating, praying, doing yoga or creative things, preferring instead to cope with the stresses of life by drowning their sorrows with alcohol, sex or drugs. I stated yesterday that I do not believe in an actual God, simply because I do not believe a highly intelligent enlightened deity could fuck things up so badly. I mean, it is really, really sad to see people effectively living on auto-pilot, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the factory to close, waiting for death….

    Before August 2013, I was as comatose as everyone else. And believe me, if someone  gave me the chance to go back to sleep, I would take it. But once you’ve had the red pill, there’s no going back, ever. It started with a mental vision of Jesus Christ, and got weirder and weirder. It gave me depression and suicidal ideation, and I ultimately think that suicide is the only answer to a world as screwed up and slanted towards materialism as this one. I am growing distant from my parents, who would rather I said very little. About anything. But I am trying to form stronger relationships with younger members of my family, so there might be some hope there. I am basically trying to avoid facing the true horror of my situation, and I will do anything to distract myself or  I’ll tip over the edge.

    What this is, isn’t spirituality. It is enforced evolution. And either I will learn to adapt, or I’ll die.

    Best wishes,

    Tannhauser

    #294425
    Mark
    Participant

    I assume you have tried seeing a mental health Professional?

    What you are going through seems very extreme and hope you are not alone in dealing with this.

    Mark

    #295253
    Michelle
    Participant

    Tannhauser.

    I won’t pretend to understand anything about Kundalini, as I don’t. But I do know when I read your posts that you are scared and angry, which if I can help by listening and offering alternative views, then I will.

    There are different ways of living across the world and many of them are very far removed from the westernised/materialistic way of being that you describe well. The more you travel and talk to people from different cultures/backgrounds/ways of thinking, the more your eyes open to the number of different ways it is possible to live in this world. However, if you are surrounded by a materialistic type environment then yes, it’s hard when you awaken and realise you don’t fit into that. It doesn’t make the entire world a lost cause though, it just means you need to find your own way and space, one where you are with other people who can also see beyond, see differently.

    It sounds as though you are stuck in anger at the world around you not being as you would like it. It also sounds like you were raised to believe in some sort of religion and are now angry that it doesn’t exist – or that it has let you down by putting you through this pain?

    Instead of being angry at that which you can’t change – focus on the things that you can.  Are you still living with your parents and is that still the best environment for you? Who do you talk to outside of your family? What else is in your life apart from suffering through this pain?

    #295389
    Tannhauser
    Blocked

    No, don’t pretend. Don’t pretend to fix this, because you cant. And neither can I. I am losing my mind to this thing and I’m fucking terrified.

    I want the world to be like it used to be six years ago, and I want my mind to go back to normal. Instead, I grow more spaced out with each passing day: every week another tiny fragment of my former self disappears, but it isn’t being replaced by anything. I am the incredible disappearing man. The only thing that makes me feel anything approaching normal is hard alcohol. Religion has let me down very badly, and I can find no consolation in it. I am also losing interest in things I used to enjoy doing.

    Best wishes,

    Tannhauser

    #295405
    Mark
    Participant

    Tannhauser,

    Would you care to respond to my post, i.e. have you seen a mental health professional for your condition?

    Mark

    #295417
    Terence
    Participant

    Tannhauser,

    I have been following all your posts in this thread.

    As Mark has similarly stated, you have been very good at articulately the symptoms.

    Could you similarly articulate the practices that led to the symptoms?

    Terence

     

    #295419
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Tannhauser,

    No, no point in pretending, I gave that up a long time ago too.  No, I can’t fix it, only you can do that –  but I can be here to listen and help you through your fear best I can.

    If you have believed in something all your life and then it lets you down, turns out not to be true – ofcourse that is going to turn your world upside down.  How did religion let you down, can you share more? Was it by not existing as you had been to led to believe it had or did something specific happen.

    It’s impossible to go backwards, only forwards. So accepting this for what it is and figuring out a better way to live with it is the way forwards for you, not hoping it will go away. What things did you used to be interested in before this took over?

    I can understand it hides the fear and pain and makes you feel normal for a while but I know you are smart enough to know the hard alcohol isn’t helping long term. You wouldn’t be reaching out on this forum for help if you had given up – so try to reach out to all the help available to you.

    Best Wishes.

    Michelle

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