Yes, I have sort, I just feel like I can relate to the disorder so heavily. But I know it would be wrong to say I have the disorder since I haven’t been diagnosed yet. So I don’t know if I do have OCD or not.
Another thing that is causing me a lot of pain is that sometimes when I am scared that I did something horrible, but don’t know if I really did it or not, I will still try to come up with defenses and excuses in my head for this action I don’t even know if I did or not.
What I’m so afraid I’ve done is look away from someone being sexually assaulted/someone I thought might be, being sexually assaulted, as a way of proving to myself that it isn’t a “big deal” or something like that (it’s obviously a very big deal). I have this strong feeling that I have done that. But I can’t remember a circumstance where I did. I don’t know if this is just in my head or not but it feels very real. I ended up trying to make excuses up for it as if I have done that, and I actually had some sort of feeling of relief. Then I felt incredibly guilty for doing that. My mind even compared it to this post I read about someone who saw sexual assault happening and didn’t do anything about it, and this made me feel relief for a second as well.
I’m very sorry for burdening you with all my worries. I just feel like I have to get all this off my chest.
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