Dear Cali Chica:

I will now focus on interpersonal relationship skills. Here is a worksheet used in couple therapy, it is called “I WANT- THEY WANT’ ASSESSMENT”- you get one, husband gets one, the two of you fill it in individually/ privately. It consists of four columns. First: “I want & need”, what it is that I want and need in the relationship. Second: “Outcome”/ How well my need is met. Third: what do I think that husband wants and needs from the relationship. Fourth: do I think that he gets his needs and wants met.

After filling these in individually, privately, the two handouts are compared by the two of you (the therapist is there, facilitating this, but I suppose you can do this without a therapist)

Here is a note I wrote on a paper following this exercise (July 2011), it seems to be very relevant to you: “By applying learned and yet to be learned interpersonal skills and other skills, I can detect anger when it starts, communicate it in a non threatening way, avoid escalation into aggressive/ aversive behavior, and in so doing allow (husband) the secure environment he needs to be and become himself”.

Here is a summary I made of a handout A gave me titled “Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills”, it is a copy of a chapter 8 of some book. My summary (July 2011): “The most necessary and important interpersonal skill is assertiveness, which is the ability to 1) Ask for what I want. 2) Say no. 3) Negotiate conflict without damaging the relationship.

Mindful Attention: Relationships require attention. Noticing your own feelings can help you figure out what needs to change in the relationship before you blow up or run away… When you pay attention, you notice trouble coming-  before it overwhelms you, & also gain time to ask clarifying questions that can help you correct misperceptions. You can ask: How are you feeling? How are things between us? I noticed ____, is that accurate?

Passive versus Aggressive Behavior: Long term, passivity is the royal road to interpersonal disaster. When you give in to others & abandon your own needs, it creates frustration & resentment that builds inside of you. Eventually, the relationship becomes so painful that you blow up, collapse into depression, or run away. In comparison, aggressive behaviors also destroy relationships because they push people away.

I Want- They Want Ratio: Every relationship consists of two people trying to get what they need. For relationships to succeed you must be able to do the following: know and say what you desire, Notice or find out what the other person desires, Negotiate & compromise so you can get at least some of what you want, Give what you can of what the other person wants.

Key Interpersonal Skills:

1) Knowing what you want.

2) Asking for what you want in a way that protects the relationship: put your needs into words that are clear, not attacking, and ask for specific behavioral change.

3) Negotiate conflicting wants: start with a clear commitment that there won’t be wines or losers; be willing to compromise so that each person gets some of what he or she wants.

4) Getting information: find out what the other person needs, fears, hopes for, & so on. Don’t falsely assume that you know what the other person wants; avoid projecting your own fears, need & feelings on the other person.

5) Say NO in an assertive style that validates the other person’s needs & desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will or won’t do.

6) Act in your relationships according to what you value.

Exercise: Identify your interpersonal values:

List a behavior that diminish self respect and emotionally damages you or another person…

My values of how people should be treated…

Here is a handout called “Goals and priorities in interpersonal situations”- “Use this sheet to figure out your goals and priorities in any situation that creates a problem for you such as ones where 1) your rights and wishes are not being respected 2) You want someone to do or change something r give you something 3) you want or need to say no or resist pressure to  do something 4) you want to get your position or point of view taken seriously and 5) there is conflict with another person…

Prompting Event: .. who did what to whom? What led up to what? What is it about the situation that is a problem for me?

My WANTS and DESIRES in this situation; OBJECTIVES: what specific results do I want? What changes do I want the person to make?

RELATIONSHIP: How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction?

SELF RESPECT: How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction?…”

You fill one form per situation.

* Here is some work on Core Beliefs I did September 2011 my writing: “Negative, False, Unrealistic Core Beliefs: 1) Intimacy is bad, dangerous thing and should be avoided. Attachment & empathy cause pain and fear. Detachment and indifference will prevent pain and will protect me”.. 6) Other people are the enemy: they will reject me and hurt me. Can’t trust anybody. Nobody wants me for me, only for what I can do for them, or what they can get out of me.”

I am done with copying notes and such for today.

anita