Dear Cali Chica:

“Cali Chica is tired. But she does not just want to rest, she wants to change. She wants to go  into a cocoon and come out as a different butterfly. A rebirth, a transformation… relinquishing the wonder woman costume for the slim nude silhouette is sexy and appealing… Acting out of frenzy is not your innate self… I am myself in small moments when I do whatever I want without fear of others… When I am too tired I am my true self. I am authentic CC… the day after an enraged breakdown I have clarity and I am grounded and too tired to be frenzied. too tired to be frenzied, so not frenzied”-

We talked a lot about roles: Super Cali Chica, and part of SCC- the social butterfly role. This morning I have a new understanding that doesn’t involve roles. Bear with me:

Imagine a child at the dinner table with her parents. Parents are calm, smiling, nice conversation, food is served, child chooses what items she eats, no rush, good thing. Imagine another child at another dinner table, parents appear distressed, anxious, mother says to child: Eat this! Eat that! Eat more of this! Hurry up, our TV show is about to start! Why did I cook this item, you didn’t eat any of it! Maybe I am a bad cook, you do like (neighbor’s) food better, don’t you?

Second child grows up, how does she feel around food? Frenzied. She may enjoy this or that flavor but frenzy rains on her parade. She rushes to eat quickly, rushes to eat more.. and she gets sick, bloated, uncomfortable and exhausted.

You were pressured to socialize, but not only to socialize: you were pressured to use the pool, otherwise it is a waste of money spent. You were pressured before vacations, during vacations, to go here and there and not miss anything. (Whose wedding was it, in your mid twenties, N’s I think, you felt pressured to not miss any initial part of the wedding).

Your mother pressured and rushed you a whole lot. So like the person around food, when you are around people (and otherwise), you are frenzied.

People (socializing)/ food (eating) in moderation, while relaxed,  are good things, but both are bad things when rushed, forced and pressured.

The SCC/ social butterfly roles are on top of being rushed, forced and pressured. It is this rushing, this frenzy, that rains on your parade of life every time, everywhere, every day.

Nothing can be enjoyed when rushed. And doing things rushed is exhausting. Think of effective marathon runner, they pace themselves, they don’t rush-in-their-brain, they are in control of their pace. So even when a person runs fast, the brain needs to be calm so to make it long distance, or long term.

So you rush, rush, rush, get too tired and you don’t see that it is possible for you to stop rushing, but you can’t go on rushing, so you explode, rage, and that calms you. After that, you rush again, and repeat.

anita